


Sparrow

by sugarplumsenpai



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-War, Tea, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:16:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 50,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8708617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarplumsenpai/pseuds/sugarplumsenpai
Summary: This fic was originally written and posted as an Advent Calendar for the Ereri fandom in 2016 and is the original version of my "Wings of Freedom" here on AO3. It has its weaknesses though and hence I had to admit to myself that this story isn't a full story any longer. It's a draft which will remain here for posterity. This story is now REWRITTEN, REVISED, and EXPANDED. I leave this draft up partly for nostalgic reasons and partly as motivation to myself to constantly improve my writing. I also leave it up here to show what potential lies in a draft, and because I want to leave both versions of this story available to you.The revision to this is named "Sparrow (Revised)" and even has a prequel now named "Nuthatch" which can also be listened to as podfic. - - -  After the war has ended Eren's life is finally good. He's seen the ocean, is back at HQ where he trains the new Scouts and he has dinner with Levi every single night. So yes. Things are just as well. [Advent fic 2016]





	1. A Cup of Tea

**Author's Note:**

> When I first sat down to write this story not that long ago it was a very small idea in my head—a sudden flash of “what if…?”—that suddenly turned into a 25 chapter story that’s completely self-indulgent (I will not lie about this) and most of all a story that is supposed to bring me back to writing with fun.
> 
> This fic, yet set in wintery season and my Advent calendar to you, is not really a Christmas fic, since I don't really see Christmas being celebrated in snk-canonverse, at least not in a way we know it. It is, however, packed with everything that this season stands for: Snow and cosy times inside, calming down after the rush of the year whilst finding back to yourself, warm feelings, and drawing near. And tea. Naturally.
> 
> This is not a typical canonverse story as you know or might expect it. It is calm and deals with some issues that a lot of fics don't, but what I long to see more of. It also has some original characters in it; giving Eren an bunch of kids to train made it happen. 
> 
> Heaps of thanks to [raindrop_rouge](http://raindrop-rouge.tumblr.com/), who has been helping me with this by giving thoughtful advise and encouragement, by spotting some very silly typos and who even found a slipped in wrong main character name from a whole other fandom. Whoops! You're my beta angel. Thank you so much! 
> 
> Happy Holidays, guys! I hope this story gives you as much joy as it has been giving me. Please let me know what you think of it. <3
> 
> I love you.
> 
> \- - - 
> 
> UPDATE: This story has officially become a draft. I extended this verse and wrote a prequel for this story called Nuthatch, plus did a revision of Sparrow to make it longer, better, far more detailed and a far more enjoyable read. This original draft can still be enjoyed, but I recommend you to go to the other two parts of this series instead. You can either start with [Nuthatch](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11677746) or directly go to [Sparrow (Revised).](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12000120)

Of all the places Eren has come to visit over the years this place is one of his favourites. 

He sits in front of a small, wooden table, a window front to his left, the simple, plain letters on it not really obscuring his view to the busy street outside. 

**woɿɿɒqƧ  
** **ɘɿoM & ɒɘT **

Of course tea is not what this business runs on. Not mostly anyway.

It’s the coffee.

The café isn’t too spacious. Four small tables with one to three chairs each. A copper counter with a few wooden bar stools. A small nook with a pair of cosy, dark red corduroy seats and an even smaller table between them.

Flowery scents steam up from the cup in front of him, lazily rise up into the air and dissipate in the warm light of the lamps. As usual he let Levi serve him whatever he seemed fit and today’s choice—Jasmine tea if he isn't corrected—is welcomingly relaxing.

People pass by the window, hurry through the frosty evening on their way home, their hands buried in pockets, their noses nuzzled into scarfs.

The cold snap has hit them hard.

Every now and then the door opens with a bright tinkle of a bell to let in, respectively dismiss, the last few customers of the day with a gust of the icy wind that’s blowing through the streets.

The world outside is dark already, tinted black apart from the spots of light by the street lanterns.

It’s nearly closing time. 

And as every night he lets his gaze wander over the gradually emptying café. There are a couple of shelves laden with tea and supplies—pots, sieves, sandglasses, thermometers—as well as a few sealed cans of coffee beans and they are accompanied by a few drawings that decorate the walls, most of them impressions of this café. The exception is a frame next to the counter that contains a coal drawing of a sunset over endless water, a couple of figures standing on a small strip of sanded beach, one of them in a group of three pointing at something far away and Eren smiles at the memory. 

Sometimes he can still hear the waves and the birds, feel the salty wind and the sand under his naked feet, yet he can’t bring himself to miss it. And even though he mocked Jean for sitting in the dunes with his sketch book instead of coming down to the water with them that day, every time he sees the picture Eren is glad for the recorded moment.

He wonders where Armin is now. They haven’t heard from them for a while, only that they’ve begun to return a few months ago.

There’s a plate of food put in front of him, a piece of apple pie with a small heap of clotted cream, and he suppresses a dismissive sigh.

“Eat,” Levi says simply and is gone again to collect a couple of empty mugs and plates from a table nearby, before he wipes the surface and goes back behind the counter, completely ignoring Eren’s exasperated scowl.

As always though the scowl fades with the first forkful of cake. And now the sigh—a happy one this time—makes it out as the flavour of the buttery pie crust mixed with sweet, soft apples, cinnamon and soft cream soothes his growling stomach.

Taking another bite he listens to the door of the shop being locked. The sign in it’s window is being flipped over from  _ ‘open’ _ to ‘ _closed’_ and the experienced movements of the end of a day fill the room.

Tables get wiped, chairs are rearranged and put up, the floor is mopped, dishes are cleaned, and ultimately the till opens with a ring as Levi counts the day's takings . Eren knows better than to offer his help. Instead he collects the last few crumbs of his cake with his index finger and savours the vitalising taste until it is all gone.

Soon he hears the telling sound of running water—hands being washed, the kettle being refilled—and he knows Levi has arrived at his own, private way of clocking off.

When he emerges from behind the counter to join Eren at the table he has taken off his apron and it’s like he’s the old soldier again—lacking the harness and tie.

Running a café instead of his own Special Operation Squad hasn’t changed him much. Despite his foot he’s still moving in the same old effortless manner, still has the same, tired bruises under his eyes, but there is an air of balance surrounding him these days that the military hasn’t been able to give any of them.

He puts his own cup of tea next to Eren’s and sits down, facing him. “You need to take better care of yourself. Don’t they feed you in the army anymore?”

“I wasn’t  _ that _ hungry,” Eren defends himself, knowing what will come.

And, sure enough, there’s that lifted eyebrow directed at his crumb-free plate and then at him, but apart from that Levi lets it slide for now.

He leans back on his chair, one leg resting on his other knee, lets the steam of his tea warm his palm as he lifts the cup and the familiar stillness settles between them while they drink, like a blanket on the world.

It’s been like this ever since Eren has first been here about a year ago and he supposes there’s a strange comfort in their unuttered routine.

It reminds him of the better parts of their service. Shared vigils, weapon maintenance, and evenings spent with chess or paperwork and a pot of tea. Years of fighting side by side had welded them together and by the end of the war Eren found himself spending more time with Levi than with Armin and Mikasa. They have become friends. And he cherishes their friendship more than his fifteen year old self could have imagined when they’d met.

On the other hand, his fifteen year old self could never have imagined a lot of things.

He frowns into his last bit of tea.

“Dinner?” Levi asks rhetorically.

“Yes.”

Taking his empty cup and Eren’s plate with him Levi stands up and disappears into the back room. After checking the table top for tidiness and arranging their chairs as he knows they should be, Eren follows him with his own, empty cup.

In the staff department Levi already has his hands deep in steamy, soapy dishwater, only reaching out of it to take Eren’s used cup and add it to the water.

A faint smile ghosts over his lips when Eren takes the tea towel from a nearby hook without having to be asked to and they work without words, dishes passing hands, until the sink is empty and Levi wipes it dry.

“You checked the table?”

“I did.”

“Let’s go then.”

As always when he enters Levi’s flat Eren is welcomed by the scent of soap and tea and he stealthily takes a deep breath to fill his lungs with the flavour of memories. The comfort sets in immediately and he seizes it, wraps it around himself while he slips out of his boots and coat and jacket.

In unsaid understanding they meet in the kitchen. Eren brews another pot of tea, and they begin to prepare dinner. It’s nothing fancy on workdays, mostly buttered bread and cheese.

After eating they move over to the fireplace and into a pair of armchairs. The overstuffed leather-clad piece of furniture Levi has wordlessly offered to Eren before he sat down in one of the same dark red corduroy seats like he has downstairs is the only piece of real luxury in this flat and if it weren’t for Hanji Levi wouldn’t have it in the first place. Gleefully pronouncing it as ‘the old man chair’ she has given it to him for his retirement, telling him to ‘rest his arse for once in his life’.

Despite Levi’s grumbled acceptance Eren knows he loves it. The obvious signs of usage alone—the faintly shiny seat cushion, a certain familiar scent that mingles with the leather, the folded blanket on its armrest, and its position right next to hearth—are proof enough and Eren agrees. The chair is a gift of cosiness, immediately moulding itself to the shape of whoever rests down in it in a soft, comforting embrace and he snuggles into it in a half tailor seat, one foot tucked under his drawn in leg, his folded hands and chin resting on his knee.

“I heard the Scouts will come back in a few days,” Levi says after a few rounds, moving one of his knights over the chessboard that is built up on the coffee table between them.

Eren straightens up in his chair, feeling a rush of anticipation spreading through his veins. “They will?”

Levi nods. “Apparently they found another ocean.”

“ _Another_ ocean?” Armin must be happy then. “I didn’t know that yet.”

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you.”

He’s long given up on the question how Levi always knows. Admittedly, most of his customers are soldiers or used to be soldiers at some point, and Hanji visits whenever she can spare a few moments for her caffeine fix, but still. Eren spends his work hours at the Survey Corps base every day, apart from weekends, and mostly even then. If news have been going around he should have heard them.

“Are they…” Searching for words he lets the rest of the question hang in the air, not really able to finish it.

And he doesn’t have to.

“They’re all alright. A few cases of fever, a few more serious ones of sniffles, and one broken arm because some glorious fool climbed on a tree and fell down. But nothing worse.” 

Eren exhales, relieved, and then catches the hint of affection in Levi’s insult. “Connie?” he asks. 

“Connie.” 

Eren snorts. Some things never seem to change. Too often has he seen Connie climb trees and struggle for balance. Sasha always finds it utterly ridiculous how he can handle his 3D maneuver gear perfectly well but not stand on a steady branch without wobbling.

Grinning at the memory of his friends he shakes his head and reaches for his remaining bishop, hoping it will be a good move.

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

It’s a suggestion, but Eren still glances up with a questioning frown before looking back at the chessboard to see what he has missed.

He stops, checks his tactic, and moves a long forgotten pawn.

“Better.”

“As in ‘good’?” he asks hopefully.

Levi’s lips curl slightly. “We’ll see.”

While Levi ponders over his next move Eren leans back into the soft leather with his tea and watches him over his cup.

At some point during the evening he has undone the top button of his shirt and rolled up his sleeves. His bottom lip is caught between his teeth, there is the faintest of frowns knitting his eyebrows in concentration and the warm glow of the fire conceals the slight greying of his hair completely. The difference is so small that Eren nearly can’t tell the difference in the sunlight, but he knows it’s there. A faint shift from pitch black to slightly shiny ebony. Not really silvery, but not quite as dark anymore either.

He looks so relaxed that Eren can’t help but seize some of it for himself.

When Levi leans over the chessboard again to make his move there’s a flicker of satisfaction in his eyes and Eren has an uneasy sense of what’s coming.

“Check.”

Eren sighs. “Why do I keep on playing with you again?” he teases.

“Because you love it.”

“Yeah, right.”

Seemingly not irritated by the scoff Levi knowingly smirks into his tea and Eren chews on his lip as he tries to refocus on his prior strategy.

Perhaps, if he moves the other pawn he maybe could turn this game around after all…

He gives himself a push and makes his leap of faith.


	2. A Fox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware of the fact that military training methods differ from what I describe in this chapter. However, Eren's Trainees aren't the future soldiers but rather the future Scouts and it serves plot purposes as well, so I stretched the rules of education a bit and went for more of a teacher-student dynamic. 
> 
> Thank you so much for all the wonderful messages you already sent me concerning this story. Your kind words make me happy!

On the following morning one of Eren’s Trainees crashes against a prop in the woods during their 3D maneuver gear drills. Even with the wind in his ears Eren hears the loud ‘thump!’ followed by a full-throated groan from the others and he changes his route towards the source of the noise, betting himself that it’s Harold. 

It is Harold. Of course it is.

And while the thirteen-year-old struggles up to his feet with slightly wobbly legs Eren cleaves through the group of his friends that already have begun to surround their comrade with a multitude of gasps and cries of sympathy.

When he sees Harold Eren grimaces too.

Blood and other stuff is streaming out of his nostrils that Harold tries to wipe away with his sleeve, but he stops immediately when it comes close to his nose.

“Everybody take a step back,” Eren says with a puff of breath in the icy air and even though they do obey they give him just enough space to not step on his feet.

“It hurts when you touch it, doesn’t it?” he asks automatically, holding up Harold’s chin and regarding his nose from each side.

It’s crooked and already swollen. He will have an additional nasty bruise on his left cheekbone for a while, but otherwise he should be alright.

“No,” Harold protests with a positively muffled ‘n’.

He should have known it was a stupid question to ask. “Do you have trouble breathing with it? Like through heavy sniffles?”

Harold tries. Cringes. “Yes.”

“Derek.” Eren turns to a tall, bulky boy with black hair. He’s one of the most skilled in this group. “Do you remember where we left off earlier?”

“Yes, Sir,” comes the direct answer.

“Fly back there as quick as you can and fetch the first aid kit, please. Harold, I need you to breathe through your mouth and lean forward until he’s back.”

They both comply.

“Will he be alright, Instructor Eren?” asks Mia with a tiny voice and candid worry. She’s blond and petite and everything about her down to her big, blue eyes reminds Eren of Christa.

“Yes, he will. It’s only broken.”

“Cool!” Booms her friend. “Will you break it again to straighten it up, Sir?”

Biting down a smile Eren nods and somehow finds his serious Instructor voice. “Yes, Rita, I will.”

“Cool!” Rita enthuses. Then she catches Eren’s gaze, clears her throat, and shoots a concrite glance at Harold. “Oh, sorry. Sincere condolences, mate. You look like shit. Bloody awful I might say.”

A couple of giggles burst out around them.

“It’s okay,” Harold mumbles, cautiously giggling as well. “I was stupid. Shouldn’t have let myself been distracted.”

Eren silently agrees as he thanks Derek who is already back with the medical supplies and landing on the soft forest floor next to them.

“Squirrels?” Mia asks understandingly.

“No. Baby fox!” Harold beams, despite his misery.

Eren can’t help but smile at his enthusiasm while he sifts through the supplies for the right instruments. With growing up in Mitras and never seeing more than rats, cats and dogs aside an occasional bird every once in a while during his childhood, Scout Training for animal-loving Harold is like visiting a land out of a fairy tale. Or, Eren thinks, like putting Hanji into a room with experiment-willing Titans.

The whole unit remembers the day in early summer on which Harold found a wounded bat during condition training and carried it back to the barracks to nurse it healthy again. He even went out to collect insects and called him Frank.

Frank the Bat had been the barrack’s main attraction for a whole month until they set him free again.

Eren doesn’t have the heart to tell Harold that maybe vet training might have been the better choice for someone like him.

“I wish you could have seen it, Mia,” he chatters on. “So fluffy! I bet its fur is all soft.”

“It was? Aw, I wished I could have seen it too.”

These soldiers are to join the Exploration Squads in two years, Eren thinks, sighs, and suddenly feels old.

Not minding their audience—since Harold seems to be alright with it there’s no way of getting the others out of their way—Eren sanitises his hands.

“I’m going to adjust your nose now, Harold. As Rita already mentioned that means I have to break it again. It won’t be nice but I need you to hold still, alright?”

Harold nods gravely and in Eren’s back the others have become unfamiliarly quiet.

“On three, then. One, two,…”

It’s over with a barely audible whimper, a sickening crack of bones, and another chorus of gasps and hisses that set off a new wave of excited chattering.

Eren hands Harold some absorbent gauze, telling him to wipe the blood and mucus off his face and decides it would be best to go back to the base so they can cool the injury, just in case.

While they walk Harold occasionally nudges his nose with testing fingers and winces and Eren can’t help but feel for the poor kid.

It’s been Harold’s second accident within three weeks. A new record.

“Instructor Eren.” Rita falls into step next to him and he doesn’t need to look at her to catch the commanding tone in her voice. There’s an interrogation coming.

“What is it, Rita?” He smiles in curious anticipation.

“Aren’t you a Titan?” she asks bluntly.

“Uh, yes.” He’s never made a secret of it even though he doesn’t really trumpet it out either. They all know anyway. It’s been in the newspapers and in pamphlets ever since Stohess.

She frowns at him. “But, don’t you heal on your own within no time at all?”

“Well, not exactly in  _ no _ time at all, but yes, that’s right.”

“How do you know how to take care of broken noses and injuries then?”

“I have soldier friends who aren’t Titans and my father was a doctor. He told me things when I was young.”

Also, he adds silently, I broke a guy’s nose once and was there when they adjusted it. Rita certainly doesn’t have to know about that.

“Oh. Okay.” She nods.

They walk for a while and Eren is glad they wear their coats over their gear. At least the conifers—mostly spruces in this region—are protecting them from most of the wind, but it’s chilly nevertheless. It doesn’t affect him that much, his higher body temperature keeps him warm, but the others must feel cold. He can tell by the flush of their noses and cheeks and by the way they hurry toward the promising warmth of HQ.

Harold is already smiling again and pointing at a buzzard that hovers up in the air. He says something to Mia, who nods.

“I thought maybe Captain Levi told you,” Rita wonders out loud.

“Hm?” Eren asks.

“Captain Levi. You were in his Squad,” she says, grinning. “I know all about it.”

“Do you?” He grins back. Rita is one of his favourite trainees, but that doesn’t keep her from being a nosy pain every now and then.

“Yes. I bet he can deal with war wounds really well. He is the best soldier ever.”

“I guess he is.” Eren smiles to himself. Levi hasn’t worn a harness for more than two years but Eren supposes he still could kick all of their arses, bad foot or not.

“Why don’t you live together?”

Baffled, Eren stares at her and tries to keep up his pace. “Why should we?”

“Just asking,” she says, shrugging. And after a while: “Does it hurt? Your healing, I mean?”

“No, it just steams, but the injuries do.”

“Did you get injured often during the war?”

“Yes, a lot, actually.” He doesn’t even want to begin counting, so he doesn’t.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Lost my arms and legs a couple of times.”

“That sucks.” She makes a face. “I mean, it’s cool and everything. But it still sucks. It must have hurt a lot.”

“Sometimes,” Eren admits, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Well, I’m glad you’re still here.”

Not trusting his voice he shoots her a smile. She grins back, boxes his arm, salutes, and hurries off to walk with Mia and Harold. 

 

~*~*~*~*

 

By lunchtime Harold has stopped curiously poking at his sore nose, the bruises under his eyes are already blackened and, unsurprisingly, he and the baby fox story are the toast of the town.

As Eren passes the mess hall on his way to do some paperwork he can see them all fussing over him and giving him their soup in exchange for slices of his bread so he wouldn’t have to chew too much.

For a moment Eren asks himself if the 104th Training Corps has been the same.

“Harold having one of his famous moments again?” Mikasa asks, thrusting a filled tablet into Eren’s hands without further comment.

“Really, Mikasa?”

“Yes. Really,” she says flatly. “And you will sit down with me so I can make sure you finish it.”

He sighs, following her as she gets her own portion of lunch.

“What was it this time?” she asks. “Rabbits?”

“A baby fox, apparently.”

She glances over at the trainees. “He didn’t bring it home, did he?”

“Nope, no second Frank,” Eren grumbles, scowling at his bowl of soup. He really wants to tend to that paperwork, but he knows better than to contradict Mikasa now; he’d never hear the end of it.

They sit down at a table with two adjacent chairs and begin to eat.

“Armin’s coming home this week,” she says between two spoons of soup.

“I heard. I also heard Connie fell off a tree.”

“It had to happen eventually. Do you know for how long they will stay?”

“No, but I guess not longer than the last time.”

Loud noises come from the table across the hall and Eren looks up just in time to see Rita do a pantomime act of Harold’s stunt, that’s appreciated with a lot of groaning and laughing and Harold’s back being smacked. Harold himself is laughing so hard that he nearly falls off his chair. Rita bows and hugs him.

“Will you rejoin them when they’ll leave again?” Mikasa asks, carefully mopping up some of her soup with a piece of bread.

Eren frowns, irritated. “No.”

Mikasa eyes him curiously, but then nods. “Then I’m staying too. You’re going to see Levi again today?”

He rolls his eyes. She’s always asking and the answer is always the same. “Yes.”

Nodding again she continues with her soup and doesn’t protest when he stands up and leaves. On his way to his office he thinks about her other question. As strange as it’s been at first to know Armin being far away he doesn’t want to leave.

He tried it. He even thought he dreamed about it at some point. But exploring, as things should turn out, never was  _ his _ solution for the world after the war.

The walls are open now and that’s all he’s ever truly wanted. Not being pent-up by principle, yet free to go wherever he wants to.

Even if that means staying right where he is.  

He’s had his share of adventures. The war was definitely enough excitement for a whole lifetime and going away to leave everything behind afterwards had simply been too tempting at that time. Too much had been on his mind, too many bad memories, too many things that reminded him of nothing but pain.

The countless celebrations of victory were the last straw to push him out into the unknown. The open joy of the citizens, though understandable, only made him feel sick and remember their losses. The streets had been scattered with flowers for days, people were partying everywhere and whenever he left the base he found himself celebrated a hero. It felt like dancing on the deads’ graves.

Levi tried to give them all enough outlet with continuing their training before he retired. But it wasn’t enough. In the end Eren just wanted to leave.

And so he had. Finally seeing the ocean with Armin and standing on that beach together was worth it too. But after that the whole thing had lost its appeal.

Travelling all the time and making stop every few days to make camp and measure the landscape to draw maps in endless hours of accuracy had been exasperating and, if he’s honest, rather dull. It wasn’t what he was looking for. Not what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

It had pulled him home. To any home in fact. And when they came back and learned that the structures inside the military had shifted, if not completely changed, and the Survey Corps had a new division for young teenagers that were supposed to become the new Scouts after three years of training, Eren went straight to Hanji and asked her to stay at HQ as an Instructor. Then he heard about Levi and his café and working as a trainer has become his new fulfilment.

It is good now. Things are fine.

And even though the pain has never faded completely, it has numbed enough to keep him here.

As for his worries, well. He just has to learn how to live with them. 


	3. A Heap of Straw

Saturday comes in tones of grey, grey, and grey. 

Over night a fog bank has crept over the city, muffling every impression of lively activity to a quiet and ponderous scenery.

Absorbed in thought and still a bit drowsy from sleep Eren makes himself a cup of tea, listening to the hushed sounds of the morning with a frown and wilfully disregarding the whiteness on the other side of the walls.

The tin can is exceptionally cool in his hands and even here, inside his own, more or less cosy place, everything seems a bit far away and muted.

With a whistling of the kettle the water comes to a boil and turning off the stove he pours it into his small tea pot. The rising steam warms him instantly, promising comfort on this still and chilly day even though the warmth doesn’t want to make it all the way to his bones.

His ritualistic weekend breakfast of tea and toast and honey in his own quarters helps to calm his nerves and lift him fully into awareness as his thoughts drift away again.

There are memories waylaying in the midst of the fog and sometimes he muses if their presence is actually enhanced by the obscuring haze or if it’s all in his head.

Shortly he wonders about Armin. About how far he still is away and whether he is witnessing this thick mist as well, thinking about the same day as he is.

He shudders and attacks his toast, crunching it with as much zealousness as he can muster.

“You’re an idiot,” he scolds himself, not minding his soliloquy. He is alone and can be as silly as he likes to without being judged for it.

The self-imposed insult makes him come back to the present at least and he eagerly hurries out of his apartment as soon as he can on his search for a task. It’s the weekend but it’s the military. There’s always something to do. Repairing stuff or paperwork. Gear maintenance. He isn’t picky.

When he knocks at Hanji’s office she bids him in almost instantly.

“Ah, hello Eren. I’ve been wondering when you might show up today.” Sitting at her overloaded desk with ruffled hair and reddened eyes she looks like she hasn’t slept at all this night.

She makes a gesture towards a seat in front of her desk, the only thing in this room that’s not cluttered or broken or both.

The corners of her mouth are smudged with something dark and Eren supposes she’s already been at Levi’s for her morning coffee.

“What can I do for you?”

“Anything you have,” he says, sitting down. “I’ll take it.”

A frown appears on her brow. “Didn’t I give you a whole load of headache-worthy paperwork just yesterday?”

“Yes. And it’s all finished.”

She rests her arms on her desk and folds her hands. “What about getting a bit of a rest, Eren? When was the last time you took a weekend off work or went to bed at a reasonable hour?”

He scowls out of the window in her back where the fog is so thick now that all he can see is white and he hears her sigh.

“Alright. But no work tomorrow and the other weekends this month. You hear me? Levi would kill me, even though he’s the one to talk.”

“Thank you, Hanji.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” she says. “There’s a stable to muck for the return of the Exploration Squads. Lots of horse poop in there. I was going to make some of the Trainees do it, they could easily do some extra work in their detention.”

A whole day of labour sounds absolutely wonderful and he gives her a thankful, little smile. “No, that’s okay. I’ll do it.”

She regards him sharply through her glasses. “This weather makes us all restless, even after all this time, huh? It’s strange, really. We’ve been in so many battles, most of them much worse than this, and yet every time the mist comes we hear the screams.”

He swallows and resists the urge to drop his eyes at the hands in his lap. The battle is only a small part of what’s hunting him, even though he’s been trying to forget and ignore what happened that day altogether. Normally he can shut it out rather well, but today something is different. Maybe it’s been his talk with Rita.

“When will they come home?” he asks, decisively changing the subject and grateful when she lets him go through with it.

“Tomorrow.”

“That’s good.” Nodding, more to himself that to Hanji, he stands up. “Thank you.”

He’s already at the door when she speaks again, her hands fiddling with her pen.

“Eren.”

“Yeah?” He turns around.

Her eyes are mild and yet seem to look right through him. “It will be alright.”

He summons a smile and leaves, looking forward to a day filled with sweat and blissful distraction.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

In defiance of all his hopes, cleaning the stables doesn’t help. 

As much as he throws himself into it, the work is just enough to keep his hands busy, yet his head free enough to wander off to somewhere else and when Mikasa finds him around lunch time to drag his reluctant arse to a portion of food whether he wants to or not, he’s already deep in a spiral of guilt and irritation.

Aware that he is been observed he horks down today’s stew and answers Mikasa’s questions as monosyllabic as possible. ‘Yes,’ he’s fine. ‘Yes,’ Armin will be here tomorrow, he’s heard. ‘No,’ he really is fine and nothing is wrong. ‘Yes,’ he’ll go to Levi tonight.

Back in the stables he hurls himself back into making everything ready. The old straw is all gone now and he’s stocking up the boxes with fresh supplies and hay and, just because he wants to, a bundle of carrots—the horses deserve some rewarding luxury too for being away for all that time.

He wipes his fringe out of his sticky face that is cold and wet with sweat and listens to his heavy breaths and movements. The mist is still laying heavy on the headquarter and it creeps through the open doors of the stables, a crow outside screams, and before he knows it the memory crashes over him.

An ambush in the fog during what was supposed to be a simple Survey mission. Sudden yells and orders calling for combat. The scent of blood and steam and adrenaline and death.

Rage is running through his veins about him being so unprepared for loss all the time and most of all for being unable to prevent it. Again. And again and again.

The battle is short and cruel, the progression back to the headquarter quiet.

As they box up their horses something on Levi’s face and in the way his shoulders are drawn up makes Eren’s fury dissipate. He doesn’t even hesitate and accompanies him to his rooms.

Wordlessly Levi makes them a pot of tea with slightly shaking hands, which Eren accepts and drinks with him even though he isn’t in the mood for it.

He wants to help, but doesn’t know how; all he does know is that it will be fruitless to push it.

So he waits.

They don’t say anything that afternoon, watch the sky first glow, then darken, and eventually Eren decides it would be obtrusive to stay any longer, so he moves to leave. Levi follows him to the door and in a sudden flash of instinct at the sight of his face Eren hugs him tight.

He doesn’t care that he probably shouldn’t do this or that this might be completely inappropriate. All he knows is that he has to do something, anything, and that arms wrap around his waist to hold him just as tight, telling him more than he actually needs to know.

He doesn’t care when minutes pass and neither of them has moved.

He doesn’t care when they do and he also doesn’t care who bends down or stretches first.

There are lips brushing over his, hesitantly at first as if in a question, but then, when he pushes forward, their kiss gets real, more demanding and deeper, so very, very much deeper and breathy. Hot and wet and so fucking good.

Soon the kisses wander further until he can feel them on his neck, his throat, his shoulders, his chest, and everywhere as two pairs of hands and arms struggle to get rid of their clothes, straps and dirty shirts and blood-stained trousers until it’s all tangled in a huddle on the floor and finally there’s naked skin against naked skin in a sensation of heated rush and comfort and trust, and he lets himself been caught by that maelstrom of sudden, flaring desire, flavoured by the scent of man and lust, the feeling of losing himself in a protective embrace and grey eyes and being freed of everything else, even if only for one moment.

He remembers being loud and ravenous, begging for things he’d never thought he’d ever say out loud, selfishly reduced to the need to touch and be touched, to be taken, and he remembers Levi to struggle against him,  _ with _ him.

He also remembers the terrifying realisation after. The shame. The anxiety to screw this up even more than he already has. His hasty, stumbling flight when Levi takes a shower and hiding in his own, cold bed. His irrational fear to be thrown out of Squad Levi. His confusion. His questions.

The denial.

Moving the pitchfork like a madman in the mist-flooded stables Eren fights his demons.

They’ve never talked about that night, never even so much as lost a word about it. They’ve looked at each other on the next morning and then carried on like before.

He hadn’t even thought about Levi like that before and after that he’s spent the good part of the last couple of years with completely forgetting his mistake and telling himself that nothing has happened.

He pinches the bridge of his nose to keep his eyes from stinging and takes a deep breath that steams up in the cool air as he exhales again.

As terrifying as the thought of this having been an act of mere desperation may be, at least he has the assurance that he hasn’t been longing for this ever since. Because he hasn’t.

It’s Levi.

Levi.

They are  _ friends _ .

He’s still telling himself this when he enters the Sparrow that evening, freshly showered and scrubbed from head to toes.

The stables are shipshape and ready and despite all his efforts he’s no less confused than he has been two years ago.

Levi seems…alright. Like always, actually, even though he looks at him suspiciously and hands him a piece of baked goods again without further ado. It’s a slice of marble cake this time. Delicious, sweet and with a rich chocolate coating.

Sitting down in his favourite spot Eren sighs defeatedly, wondering why all the Ackermans in the world—or his world at least—seem to have ganged up on feeding him like a child. He’s in his twenties after all and he can perfectly take care of himself, thank you very much.

“Mucking the stables, huh?” Levi says when he joins him, apron gone, top button open, tea in his hand, eyebrow raised.

Eren shrugs, not knowing where to look. “Just having a rough day, I suppose.”

Levi nods, tapping his index finger against his cup once. Twice. And after a while: “Are you up for dinner then?”

“Yeah.” He forces a smile and when he hears his own weak voice he clears his throat and goes again. “Yeah, I’m up for it.”


	4. Pieces of Cake

In hindsight, Eren supposes, he should have known that Armin, Connie, and Sasha would want to visit Levi’s café.

After his weekend morning procedure—tea and honeyed toast—and with Hanji’s threat of not giving him any extra work in mind he decides to go for a long run to clear his head. The fog has finally lifted, only to settle up in the sky in a heavy blanket of grey clouds that prophecy a downpour any time soon and no view to the sun for the rest of the day.

The cold, clear air feels nice and fresh in his lungs as he takes his usual route and even though the run doesn’t ease his worries, it at least keeps them buzzing in the background and his body busy. It beats pacing up and down in his rooms or doing something stupid. Whatever that might be.

The Exploration Squads return in the late morning and after a thorough lunch nothing can keep Sasha away from the promise of cake and sitting together in the old, familiar round.

“Does Captain Levi still have his café?” she asks, leaning back in her chair with a content sigh.

“Yes,” Eren says.

“How is the business going for him?” Armin asks. “Is it good?”

Eren shrugs. “I guess so. It’s always full in the evenings and a lot of soldiers visits in the the mornings and at noon.”

“Is he still wearing his apron?” Sasha asks.

Jean snorts.

“Yeah,” Eren says, nearly smiling.

“That’s so weird,” Sasha muses. “He must miss the military.”

“I don’t know, Sasha.” Jean sighs. “He’s seen some pretty fucked up shit.”

“But it’s so different,” she frowns.

“I thought you of all people would understand with all the food,” Connie asks, his right arm in a cast that has seen better and much cleaner days. “You love food.”

He has finally grown some black, curly hair. It is oddly unfamiliar and Eren catches himself numerous times to be startled by Connie’s well-known voice coming from the strangely alien face.

But then again, he’s grown out his own hair as well and Armin has already grinned at the half-ponytail that matches his own.

“Yes, I understand, but I wouldn’t trade jobs with him,” Sasha answers. “Also, running your own business must be hard.”

They look at Eren in unison and he shrugs again. “Well, you could ask him that yourself.”

“I should. We all should go. I could have some dessert.”

Connie, naturally, agrees and as Armin doesn't object it is settled and they all go—they only have a few days to catch up on each other’s life since they parted more than a year ago. Armin is with Connie and Sasha, Eren will be where Armin is, Mikasa too and hence there’s no way of leaving Jean behind. Not that he’s truly annoying these days, even Eren has to admit that.

As a group of six they hasten through the now indeed rainy streets and it is almost like they are fifteen again, full of hopes and dreams and silly ideas.

Armin’s eyes beam and his hands swirl around in the air as he talks about ‘the other ocean’, a deep cliff coast this time instead of dunes of sand, with big, human-sized animals in the sea far away, and Eren feels happy for his friend. His dreams have come true, or at least this big one.

Mikasa walks close to Armin which—after months of her unshared attention—Eren can only be thankful for, and Sasha talks to Jean about hunting ‘in the unknown’, commented by Connie.

The café is empty of other customers and wonderfully toasty. Eren busies himself with his coat while Levi greets the others with a near smile and a round of tea on the house. They grin back at the offer and huddle together around two adjacent tables.

Tellings about the explorations soon are turning into questions about how things have been at HQ.

Mikasa talks about her Special Operation Squad which is a second edition of Levi’s old one; a small handful of elite soldiers that are trained for moments of crisis and act quickly before the rest of the military has to be pulled in. Jean belongs to it as well and Eren only half listens to their recapitulations of their past year.

Their high spirits seem to keep other customers out—or maybe it's just the heavy rain that's splashing against the window which keeps the people home—so eventually Levi joins them in his apron, a cup of tea in his hands and listening, asking questions of his own.

He comments on Connie’s hair with a smirk and asks him about the healing progress of his arm, nodding when Connie complains about the itching in his bones. Apparently the cast will come off within the week.

The conversation shifts to Levi’s café and then to Eren’s Trainees and, quickly, to Harold and Frank the Bat and Rita and Mia.

Sasha, soon indulging in her second piece of cake (“I'll be here for only one week, Jean. Of course I will try them all!”) laughs the loudest and when Eren tells her about the time Harold went green after asking Eren to show them how to do the famous ‘Captain Levi midair spin’ just once she snorts so heavily that she has tea coming out of her nose.

“That was a good one, Sash,” Connie chuckles and slaps her back.

“I know!” she wheezes, boxing back with watery eyes. “Oh, Eren, I have to meet these kids. They’re hilarious.”

Levi gives a slight cough into his cup and Sasha bursts into laughter again.

“I’m serious, Eren. When can I meet them?”

“Well, you can tomorrow if you want to,” he offers. “Does another attempt in gear training sound fun to you?”

“Perfectly fun. I’ll be there.” She turns to Levi with a smile. “Is there more cake?”

“Some things never change, don’t they?” Levi asks.

“You know they don’t. Didn’t you miss us?”

“Tch. Like herding cats.”

Eren smiles at the sarcasm. By the additional plates of cake and pie on the counter he can tell Levi has been stocking up to be prepared and it’s the more expensive cakes too.

“Chocolate this time?” he asks, already standing up and taking her plate.

Definitely one of the more fancy ones, Eren thinks.

“Oh, yes, please.” Sasha beams. “Thank you.”

After that their talk becomes more calm. Connie starts talking about fishing to Mikasa, Levi asks Armin about landscapes and maps and Sasha about the wildlife and they answer him alternately with sparkling eyes.

Eventually Jean unwraps his sketchbook and carbon pencils from a piece of oilcloth and retreats into one of the corduroy seats, quietly drawing as the conversation proceeds and only stopping when the darkness outside fights the glow of the oil lamps inside.

He has become calm over the years and Eren frowns at the realisation. He's never noticed it before and doesn't know why he does only now, because here, today, amongst their friends which he’s been knowing for more than a decade now, it's all too obvious.

Startled, he looks at the others more closely. Sasha has visible crow’s feet around her eyes, her previously pale freckles have darkened, and despite her former spirit still being the same  _ how _ she talks is a little bit different.

Armin looks so self-assured in such a confident way that Eren feels nearly ashamed for only noticing it now. He thinks of the blond boy who cried over his book, refusing to fight his bullies, and an old knot seems to untwist inside of him. Connie looks more settled too. Still the old clown and full of jokes and puzzled glances, but there’s a new experience in it all.

Mikasa looks still the same, as far as Eren can tell. She’s even still wearing the same scarf.

He doesn't know whether to be relieved by that fact or worried.

He still tries to decide when Sasha—vehemently and unsurprisingly refusing to miss dinner—proclaims they should go and they begin to dress back into their coats.

Levi charges Sasha for only three of her four pieces of cake and she hugs him, promising him to come back every day she’s here. Eren catches his perplexed gaze and for the second time that afternoon he hurries to busy himself with his coat.

Before he leaves he nods at Levi though. They both know he won't be coming upstairs tonight, not when it is Armin's first evening back at HQ. Levi nods back and then Mikasa already pushes Eren out into the wet night.

When the door closes behind them the soft tinkle of the bell sounds wrong from this side of the window without a previous meal and at this early hour of the day.

The rain has stopped and with their stomachs warmed by tea and cake they take their time in their walk back, Armin talking to Jean about his drawings and Sasha hanging her arm into Connie’s.

Is this new? Or just another thing he hasn’t noticed earlier? Eren sighs, filled with questions.

Is he different and yet the same too? Has he changed and become as quiet as Jean or strong like Armin? Or more sinister like Sasha and Connie? Or has he—just as Mikasa—not changed at all and is still his younger self?

How does one change anyway? Does it happen over night or did the others change slowly and he’s just noticed because of their time apart? Or maybe it's just the time with his trainees showing him how young they've all been once too?

He was sure he has changed a bit and grown over the years. He's not a teenager anymore and has learnt lots of things. He’s learnt how to trust others in battle, to make a choice, to take responsibility and even how to train a sack of bouncy thirteen-year-olds how to fight.

He’s learnt how to play chess and how to make a proper cup of tea. How to be more patient.

How to kiss.

“I’m so going to make Rita run for this,” he groans to himself.

“Are you coming, Eren?” Armin calls and Eren, suddenly realizing he’s slowed down and fallen behind, hurries and catches up with the others.

“Yeah.” 


	5. A Can with Gunpowder

“How was training with Sasha?” Armin asks at lunch. 

They sit alone together in a quieter corner of the mess hall—Mikasa and Jean are still busy with their drills and Sasha and Connie sit with some of their friends from the Exploration Squads.

Armin has been spending his whole morning with Hanji, brooding over his maps and new plans and dividing up the groups for the next expedition while Eren and his Trainees have been chasing Sasha in the woods.

Eren smiles. “They all love her.”

They do. Dashing through the trees like a bolt Sasha has been the main attraction of their drills all morning long. Apparently a life on the road hasn’t taken her skills away as much as one could assume and it’s been great to witness it.

“She must have had a blast.” Armin smiles, looking at where she sits. “She’s been missing it, I guess.”

“Regarding her generous amount of cheering I think you’re right,” Eren says and Armin laughs.

It’s wonderfully easy talking to Armin, almost as if he’d been away for only a couple of days.

“Didn’t you have any big adventure during the expedition?” He grins. “You know, like bears and such?”

“She would have loved that. But no. And you know how it was the last time. Aside from the discoveries Connie falling off the tree has been the most adventurous thing happening, I’m afraid.”

“You’re all getting old,” Eren teases.

“I guess so.” Armin grins. And then his face turns serious. “You’re the one looking like it, though. Are you alright?”

Eren sighs. He’s been so hung up on Mikasa’s worrying that he’s completely forgotten about Armin’s sharp observation skills. “Yeah. Just having a lot on my mind lately.”

“I already thought so. Hanji mentioned you’ve been asking for extra work.”

Lifting his shoulders in defense Eren shoves the potatoes from one side of his plate to the other with his fork. “I just don’t like standing still, that’s all.”

“I know. And I’m not talking about standing still. I’m talking about slowing down. I know it’s not easy for you, but you’re worrying us.”

“Us?” Eren frowns.

“Yeah, us.”

Armin doesn’t explain any further and Eren can only wonder who is responsible for the ‘us’ part, but this isn’t really the issue.

“Is it the memories?” Armin offers quietly. “I know they are bad sometimes.”

Eren finds a small, reassuring smile for him. “It could be worse. It definitely  _ has _ been worse. And I can sleep. It’s just the free time and weekends that are odd. Work hours and the evenings are fine mostly.”

“What are you doing in the evenings?” Armin asks. “Private training?”

“No, I’m having tea and dinner at Levi’s,” he explains.

Armin looks at him. “Every day?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

If Armin is surprised he doesn’t show it. “Since when?”

“Ever since I came back.” He decides for a piece of potato, shoves it into his mouth and keeps on picking on his food.

“But you’re not living together.”

“Eh, no.” Eren stretches the last word as if it would help putting more meaning into it. It’s worth a try.

And why does this question keep on coming up?

“Okay,” Armin says, stretching the word as well.

Eren rubs his face. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? It’s weird.”

“It has always been weird,” Armin says, unfazed.

“What?”

“You two always have seemed to get along better with each other than with others. And as much as you’re my friend? You’re odd. And stubborn. And as much as I do understand you, I don’t  _ get _ you. But he does.”

Fidgeting on his chair Eren thinks he really shouldn’t have asked because this has only been the warming up part so far and there’s an Armin moment coming which he won’t be able to stop.

“And he’s the same,” Armin continues. “You laugh at poop jokes together, Eren, and drink tea like it’s the greatest thing since bread came sliced and not just something nice. There's a reason why Jean calls it hot leaf juice because, basically, that's all it is. But not for you. You’ve always had this silent way of communication that no one else gets. And yet you complete each other too. You are strangely oblivious to some things and laugh too much, he, however, seems to notice nearly everything, manages to calm even you when you’re in one of your rampages, and laughs much too less, except from when you’re around. It’s like you’re made for ea–”

“Don’t say it,” Eren warns.

“Have you had sex yet?”

“Oh, please, just stop!” He rubs his eyes, barely resisting the urge to cover his ears.

Armin shrugs and continues nonetheless. “It could work. That’s all I’m saying.”

If he wasn’t in the mess hall right now and alone in his room or in a deserted place instead he would yell. Or hit himself on the head. Hard. Anything to forget everything about this conversation.

Feelings talk with Armin was so not what he has been hoping for for this day…or ever, really.

“I don’t laugh too much, though. Do I? And when am I oblivious?”

Armin rolls his eyes. “Is that all you heard right now?”

“No. I just…I just don’t want to think about him this way,” he admits, feeling the familiar panic rise in his chest, spurred on by logic he doesn’t want to hear.

“Why, because you’re friends? That’s not how it works. And running away doesn’t help.”

Eren clenches his teeth. “I hate it when you’re rational like this.”

“No, you never have. You hate it that you’re not. You’re glad you’ve met me when we were six and that I stick with your bullshit because otherwise you’d be an idiot. Not a stupid idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. It’s another reason why it would make sense.”

“Forget what I said. I hate  _ you _ ,” he jokes weakly.

“You only hate yourself these days, Eren. You should stop with that.”

Eren looks at his friend whose eyes are worried and understanding like no one else’s and god, he missed him.

He drops his head so he can hide his suddenly burning eyes.

“Thank you,” he mumbles eventually.

“It’s what are friends for.”

“So,” Eren says, desperate for another direction in their talk and opting for another piece of potato. “Connie and Sasha, huh?”

Armin stares at him for what must be a whole minute and then bursts into laughter. “Really, Eren?”

“What?” Eren asks, only to be rewarded with a new fit of laughter. “What’s so funny?”

“Yeah, Armin, what’s so funny?” Jean asks as he and Mikasa join them at the table and Eren is incredibly thankful for the fact that they are only showing up now and not during Armin’s monologue before.

“Eren,” Armin wheezes, wiping his wet eyes. “He’s hilarious.”

“Tell us something we don’t know.” Jean smirks and Eren kicks him under the table, but grins back.

“It was just a question,” he tries to defend himself.

Armin giggles. “Please, tell me you didn’t find out just now.”

Feeling the blush rise in his neck he doesn’t answer. He won’t give them the satisfaction to hear he’s realised it just yesterday.

“Are you going to see Levi again today?” Mikasa asks.

Evading to meet Armin’s expectant expression Eren stares at his own plate and exhales. “Yes.”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

Sitting at Levi’s dining table Eren is despairing over a leaflet that’s dealing with the wearout of harness hooks, including the order details for a new batch. He must have read it five times already and it still doesn’t make any sense. 

Levi is sitting on an opposite chair, brooding over lists and files and numbers, scribbling into a ledger. Monday evenings are his time for bookkeeping, with the café being closed an hour early. By the way he his shifting in his seat Eren can tell he’s stretching his bad leg.

After their final battle the pain has kicked in and Levi began to get cramps and a certain stiffness knee-downwards that never went away again completely.

‘Phantom pain’, Hanji calls it. Levi just calls it ‘that stupid foot’.

Eren has never stopped calling it ‘my fault’.

He has brought his own share of paperwork tonight, a rather small stack of files compared to his usual amount. Hanji has been keeping word. Starting yet another attempt of understanding the tables and diagrams in his info sheet Eren begins to be grateful for that.

His left elbow rests on the tabletop and his forehead rests against his hand that occasionally ruffles through his untied hair.

‘…appearances of rust…safety protocol adjustments referring to Survey Corps Guidebook §51B…’

‘…vandalism…’

Oh, what the hell!

He signs the sodding thing and reaches for his tea. Today’s one is exceptionally good. Some new discovery, Levi has told him.

He stops in his movement when the rim of the cup is pressing against his lips with a tilt of his hand, but nothing but a few, cold drops reach his tongue.

It’s empty.

When did that happen?

Frowning, he wants to fill it up again, but the pot only offers a few sad, disappointing drops as well. Eren huffs.

Why is the tea always gone?

“Empty again?” Levi asks, looking up from his work and filling up his pen with new ink.

“Yeah.”

"I could have some more too.”

Seizing the distraction, Eren stands up and carries the tea pot into the kitchen. “Is there another infusion left?”

“No, that was the final one. Choose whatever you like.”

The sieve is already empty and Eren looks at the shelve with a collection of Levi’s favourite teas, including an Oolong in a dented, rectangular tin can with faded lettering on it, a shiny, plain cylinder with calming herbs, and another tin box that Eren still remembers from his early time in the Survey Corps.

In a fit of nostalgia he opens the latter and smiles as its content is revealed: grass green, little balls of tea leaves.

Gunpowder it is.

While he waits for the water to boil he fetches their empty tea cups from the living room and rinses them clean and the tea pot as well, fills up the sieve with tea and neatly places the black box back onto the shelf, next to its fellows.

He regards the collection and frowns. Armin is right.

They truly do drink a lot of tea.

So what!? That doesn’t make them a couple.

From the living room comes a rustle of papers, a book being closed, and files being stacked away.

Levi has finished early today. That means a rare case of Monday chess.

“Where’s Armin tonight?” he asks, entering the kitchen. Going by his tired eyes the numbers must have given him a headache.

“He’s talking about maps and plans and exploring strategies with Hanji.”

“Was that lovely late night meeting his idea or hers?”

Eren snorts. “I guess they were both equally eager about this one.”

The corners of Levi’s mouth flicker shortly.

“He really likes this kind of work, doesn’t he?” he says, voice milder than usual.

“Yeah, he does,” Eren answers and feels a new wave of warm happiness for Armin swash over him, that even manages to push away some of his nerves.

“Good.”

“Yeah,” he smiles.

The water is boiling and Eren fills up the tea pot. Silently counting the seconds for the infusion he watches the the leaves unfold and move. He’s been fascinated by this ever since the first time he’s seen it.

They collect pot and cups and move over to the fireplace, Levi offering the leather chair to Eren again, and tucking his feet into the seat cushion Eren fills their tea cups while Levi fetches the chessboard.  

It smells like Levi in this chair.

Like comfort.

He hears Armin’s words again and shakes his head. He’s never cared much of what other people think of him and he won’t start now. They might not understand why this is how he wants things to be but they don’t have to.

He just has to find a way to sort this out with himself and get rid of his guilt. Otherwise things are fine as they are.

Because that is how they  _ should _ be, he keeps on hammering into his head.

Levi is back and they begin setting up the pieces—he always the black ones, Eren always the white.

The pieces are wooden and feel smooth and familiar under his touch as they meet the board with soft knocking sounds that are muffled by the pads of felt.

“Do they already know when they will leave again?” Levi asks, picking up their prior conversation.

“Yes, in nine days. Just before the new recruits will come.”

For a moment Eren has the feeling Levi wants to say something, but he just nods and hides two pawns in his hands, one from his side, one from Eren’s.

“Left or right?”


	6. A Napkin

Harold is having a bad day. 

It all starts when they begin their training, starting off where they stopped the day before, another set of maneuver gear routines and attacking dummies in the woods, followed by survival lessons. 

Being generally inspired by Sasha’s presence they all are in an exceptionally adventurous mood, moving more boldly and carelessly, but—interestingly enough—with sharper instincts.

Eren makes notes from the top of a tree, writing down his observations and new ideas for further teaching units. He remembers their faces when he’s first shown them what he can do with his gear but after one year, he supposes, their awe when it comes to his skills has faded into acceptance and everyday business. 

Sasha on the other hand is, of course, a celebrity. And opposed to him she can give the kids away at the end of the day, which also makes her some kind of favourite grandma. Or rather aunt. 

After about an hour of instructions they begin and they all dash off.

Ten minutes later Harold dangles from a tree, upside-down and tangled up in his wires. 

When they finally have managed to cut him down again his face is red from all the blood-flow, his not yet healed nose is swollen again and Harold—due to the pain he must feel in his bruises—is close to tears. 

It’s all averted when Rita slaps his arm and tells him Frank would have been proud. 

Harold beams at her words and refuses to slow down, even though Eren manages to make him rest for five minutes and drink some water to make sure he is alright. 

Meanwhile Sasha is observing the others’ work on the Titan dummies. Titans are not really a threat anymore but it’s only wise to assume they’re not extinct and the military still has enough dummies from the old days.

He remembers the day the rulings about that certainty was proclaimed and Levi’s annoyed reaction about that fact—which was mentioning that the only way to make sure every last Titan was gone was to ‘blow up the whole fucking human race’—and Eren smiles grimly. The others had only snickered at Levi's comment and told him to shut up for once. Which, of course, he hadn’t.

Harold proceeds his drills with a new determination in his eyes and joins Mia and Rita in their pursuit of a dummy that’s supposed to be somewhere ahead in the northeast. 

All goes rather well until their survival training. They meet around a fire place and the trainees are supposed to light it up, which includes finding some wood that will work. 

It isn’t all too easy after the downpour two days ago. Due to the cold temperatures and the protection of fir trees and bare branches the forest floor is still damp, if not wet, but somehow they manage to gather enough kindling and make a fire that’s big enough that they could set up a kettle on it, if they had one. 

They don’t, but settle around it anyway. Eren and Sasha begin talking about hunting…

…and this is where Harold pales all the way to his bruises. 

He is fine when they explain about cattle. He does understand that cows and pigs and chicken, even sheep and lambs and goats and staled rabbits, are about to meet an end on a plate someday. Meat is a luxury and a privilege after all, a rare gift. 

But when Sasha talks about shooting fawns and hunting squirrels and how to prep them so one could put them onto a stick to roast them on a fire and how good they taste, Eren can tell Harold’s mind is aiming for a very dark place. 

“Good,” he says. “Why don’t you explain them how to tell poisonous berries from edible ones, Sasha? And mushrooms, perhaps.”

“But isn’t that boring?” she asks. “It doesn’t move.”

“No, it’s great.” He stares at her, flicking his eyes shortly to Harold’s direction and her eyes widen in understanding.

“Oh, of course. Who of you knows some edible mushrooms and their names?”

They manage to get Harold back on track and when they head back to HQ the boy smiles again as he walks next to Rita and Mia. 

Eren knows he can’t protect him forever, won’t be able to save him from the horrors of this world and can only be grateful for the fact that Harold hasn’t been born to witness the utmost horrors on civilisation. Maybe it would have made him strong in the end. But maybe it would have made him a hollow shell. He’s seen it, luckily not in his own Squad. 

He’s seen his share of death, more than he’ll ever need, but sometimes there are worse things than a sudden death for a cause you believe in. 

He wonders how he could help Harold, because he knows he has to somehow. He can’t just stand idly by and send him out into the world, unprepared. 

They’re already in the city when Mia shoots him a pleading look. Harold crouches down next to her, and Eren knows something is wrong. 

Telling Sasha to keep an eye on the others he hurries over to the small group of three, who have made halt next to an old, big fir in the shadow of a house. 

“What’s wrong, Harold?”

“Hurt,” he gasps and something inside Eren cringes. “She’s hurt.”

He’s reached them by now and tries to find what they are all looking at in the midst of brown, rotting foliage. 

It’s a bird. 

A blackbird to be correct, a female one, and she is lying on the floor, one wing spread in an odd angle, blinking, chest heaving in a frenzy, but otherwise stiff and unmoving. 

“What should we do?” Mia asks, voice smaller than she is and looking up at Eren with pleading eyes. “Can you help her?”

“I don’t know how,” Eren admits, but Harold is already about to untie his cloak. 

“She must have flown against a window,” Mia whispers, eyes big and blue and widened.

“We need to bring her home,” Harold says steadily. “Before a cat comes and finds her.”

“No,” Eren says, putting a hand on his arm to stop his movements.

“But Harold only wants to help her,” Rita’s voice is firm and nearly accusing. “We must do  _something_.” 

“I didn’t mean the helping part,” Eren explains, unbuttoning his own cloak. “But here, take mine, Harold. I don’t feel the cold as much as you do.”

“Oh,” Rita says. “Sorry, Instructor Eren.”

“It’s alright.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Harold says. He picks up the bird with kid gloves, makes sure to add a couple of leaves, and very carefully places her into the green cloth of Eren’s cloak before making it into a loose bundle in which she can lay securely.

“What do we do now?” he asks.

Eren has no idea. All he knows is that he has to make sure this bird will fly again, because letting Harold down is the last thing he wants to do. Especially today.

By now every other Trainee has gathered around them in a neat circle and even Sasha looks concerned. 

“We bring her home,” Eren assures him and Harold gives a relieved sigh.

“Do you know how to help her?” Expectant eyes look up at him, full of plea and hope Eren doesn't want to crush.

“Not yet, but we will figure something out,” he promises, not knowing at all how to do exactly this. 

Because who at HQ would know how to vet a bird with what looks like a broken wing?  
  


~*~*~*~*  
  


When Eren walks into the Sparrow just after closing time Hanji is sitting at the counter, talking to Levi over a big mug of steaming coffee. 

Levi takes one look at him and reaches for a plate to fill it with a piece of cherry pie and Eren is too hungry to complain today. With all the excitement around Harold he hasn’t been having lunch with the others and his weekday breakfast has been scarce—non-existent apart from a cup of tea to be precise—too. 

“What happened, Eren?” Hanji asks. “And where's your cloak?”

“It's with Harold’s new dormmate,” he explains. 

Levi, busy with a pot of tea, sighs quietly.

“Oh?” Hanji says, smiling. “What is it this time? Not a bat again, surely.”

“No, an injured bird. ” 

“A bird.”

“Yes. A blackbird in fact. Female. Broken wing, I guess.”

“Interesting.” She smiles.

“How is that interesting?”

Hanji looks at him, then at Levi, who rolls his eyes at her, and her smile slowly turns into a full beam. “Does she have a name yet?”

“Selma,” Eren says simply through a bite of heavenly conserved cherries, pie crust, and clotted cream.

“Of course. And where is Selma the Bird now?”

“In a cage in Harold’s dorm. They managed to dig one up somewhere.” 

“Do you have a cure yet?” she asks.

“No,” Eren sighs in exasperation. “And what do you mean with ‘cure’? That bird needs serious help. And…I don’t know…a wing cast?”

Hanji grins and Eren is absolutely certain that she’s in glee. “Do you know what you should do?”

“Look for a vet in town?”

“No.” She gulps down the rest of her scalding coffee in one go which earns her a disapproving scowl from Levi, puts the mug back onto the counter and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. “You two boys should talk.”

“Tch.”

“Huh?” He looks at Levi whose expression is completely untelling. 

“Talk. You know that thing when you open your mouth and let words fall out? You should try it sometimes. It works wonders. As for myself, I’ve got a bird patient to visit.” She gathers her coat. “Levi, thanks for the coffee. As always, it’s been a pleasure. Toodles!”

The door closes softly behind her with the familiar tinkle and Levi and Eren are alone. 

Hanji’s indicating words still ring in Eren’s head and the anticipation makes his stomach tingle with an inkling of hope—hope that he will be able to go to Harold and tell him that everything is okay and that there’s a possible way to fix this and that Harold will smile again. 

“How did he manage to find an injured bird?”

“We were on our way back to the headquarters after training and it was laying beside the road.”

“Her wing is broken?”

“Yes.”

“Is she still breathing and flapping?” 

“Yes.”

“Like mad? Or rather lazily?”

“Completely mad.” 

With endless patience Harold has fed Selma with some water, using a small branch of wood to drop some fluid into her spout. And suddenly she’s run riot. 

“Good.”

“Why is that good?”

“Because that means it's not too late yet.”

“Oh.” Eren reaches for the cup of tea put in front of him, eager to warm himself up. “Thanks.”

“Here is what you do.” Levi takes a napkin and a pen and begins to draw in blue ink. “You'll have to hold her carefully but in a way she can’t move, because she will want to. Take her wing and use some bandaging tape that won't stick to her feathers to secure it against her body like this.” 

He scribbles something and Eren frowns at the sketch as he listens to the instructions, determined to remember everything.

“Make sure the bandaging is firm but not too firm. She still has to be able to breathe and move a bit, but with the wing keeping its place. Think of the difference of a too tight uniform that you've grown out of and a fitting one. Make it fitting. 

“The tape should be tied all around her, make sure it's running in front of her feet, not behind them and under her good wing so she can still spread and move it. Observe her for a short while if she can walk and move her other wing easily and has no trouble breathing. Give her water and birdseed daily and if all goes well she'll be okay in a few weeks.”

Eren points at the drawing. “How is this supposed to be a bird?”

“You still get its meaning, don't you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then shut up and heal Selma’s wing.” Levi looks at him with a faint grin and Eren has to smile at the grey of his eyes. “Harold will love you for it.” 

“Thank you.”

“Hm.” He takes a sip of his tea. “Dinner?”


	7. A Birdcage

The silence in the classroom is astounding, regarding that it's packed with a group of antsy teenagers.

Eren has decided to make Selma’s treatment into an animal care lesson today, that will be followed by resilience training to strain them a bit of their bubbling energy that's been buzzing through the hallways since breakfast.

They’re lucky with the weather too, the sun is shining in a clear blue sky and sends her dim winter light over HQ and its grounds. It filters through the windows of the room, emblasing Selma’s cage on the teacher’s desk in front of Eren and his Trainees around him.

Harold is eyeing the patient in worry, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip and overtly nervous as he looks at the medic supplies. His bruises aren’t that black anymore and have faded to a dark purple by now. Rita is standing close as if to assure him everything will be fine.

“Alright,” Eren begins. "Who can remember the time when Harold sprained his ankle?" 

"He stepped into a rabbit hole," Derek supplies and the class nod with approving mumbling and nodding.

"Do you also remember how we fixed his foot?”

“With bandages and salve that smelled funny,” pipes Mia. 

“Calendula salve,” Rita advises.

“Yes, that’s right.” Eren smiles. “This is similar, only that we don’t need salve and that we have no bandages, but a special kind of tape."

“Why does it have to be special, Sir?” Derek asks. “Is it because she is a bird?”

“Yeah, that’s the reason why,” he explains. “We can’t use anything sticky. Most of it won’t cling to her feathers anyway because their oily surface would prevent it. And whatever would stick to her feathers, like gauzy bandages that could get caught up in them, would irritate and maybe even hurt her. And we don’t want that, do we?”

Approving shaking of heads and mumbling. 

“This is why we will use this tape to secure her injured wing to her body in a way she can’t move it.”

He holds the tape up, lets it go from hand to hand, and explains what they are about to do and how, showing them a quick drawing which he has asked Jean to sketch at breakfast to point out what should be paid attention to so they can make sure that Selma will heal properly.

The napkin with Levi's scribble is in his quarters and it will stay there. He pinned it onto the wall in his kitchen when he came home the night before and woke up to a grin. 

"And she will fly again like this?" Harold asks.

"Well, she will have to keep the tape on for a few weeks and hop around but birds' wings heal more quickly than our bones do, so she will be able to use her wings again at about the end of the month.”

Concordant sighing.

Eren smiles. "Harold, would you like to hold her or do you think you can do it yourself?"

Harold looks up at him, brown eyes hesitant and surprised. "I could?”

“Sure,” Eren assures him. “She is your patient after all.” 

“Will you help me if I do something wrong?"

"Of course. But I'm certain you'll do great."

Harold inhales bracingly and nods with his lips tight in determination.

And just as Eren has assumed Harold does a great job. 

Selma, up until now relatively quiet and calm in the cage, complains and flaps wildly as soon as they open the cage door and Eren reaches for her, slowly and carefully so he doesn’t frighten or hurt her even more. 

At least the Trainees are as silent as he has instructed them to. 

Her brown feathers are soft and going by the thickness of her down she’s already in her winter coat. She crows loudly in disapproval of the treatment and her feet paw shortly and feel funny on Eren’s palms, but he holds her as firmly as he dares. She is so fragile and warm in his hands and as he feels her tiny, quickening heartbeat that’s spurred on by the excitement and fright, his own heart speeds up in anxiety too.

“I think I’ve got her,” he says quietly. “You can start, Harold. Move slowly so she knows you mean well.”

Harold’s fingers are cold with worry as he begins to apply the tape, but his movements are confident and gentle.

“She’s so small,” Mia whispers. “You’ve got really big hands, Sir.”

“Well, thank you,” Eren mumbles, looking at his hands that to him are perfectly fine and have never been of any interest to him up until now. 

“Is this tight enough?” Harold asks.

Eren cautiously moves his fingers and checks the tightness of the tape. It’s firm but only steadying enough so that she’ll still have enough room to breathe. 

“I think it’s good, actually, yes.” 

“Good.”

Harold fixes the tape and while they let Selma hop around on the floor with observant eyes and adjust to her new dress Eren wonders where Levi has learnt how to mend a broken bird's wing and is once again amazed by how he really seems to know everything. 

Or at least everything that is important.

“You said you didn’t know how to do it, Sir,” Harold says quietly.

They are sitting on the floor in a loose circle and Selma hops between them rather swiftly. It seems like the bandage is good. 

“Hm?” Eren asks.

“Yesterday. When we found her you said you didn’t know how to help her.”

“That’s right. But I talked to a friend and he could help me.”

“That’s good,” Harold sighs.

“Was it Captain Levi?” Rita cheers and cringes under Eren’s warning glance, because she raised her voice. “Sorry, Sir,” she whispers. “Was it?”

Knowing he’s got the unshared attention of the whole First Training Corps now he tries to wind his way out of the question. “You’re a menace, Rita. You know that? And perhaps.”

“It  _ was _ him.” She grins. 

That little bugger.

“Is it true that he was a thug once, Sir?” Harold asks curiously. Seeing that Selma seems to react well to his treatment he is getting more and more relaxed.

“I heard that he is from the Underground and has had no training at all,” one of Derek’s friends chips in.

“Don’t be daft, Percy,” Rita snorts and rolls her eyes. “Of course he’s had training. He’s the best!”

Eren chuckles silently with a shake of his head. As is seems the rumours have never stopped rolling around. 

He’s saved from being interrogated any further and looking for ways to evade their questions when Selma chirps in their midst.

“She seems to be fine.” Rising up to his feet Eren collects Selma and carefully puts her back into her cage. “Well done, Harold.”

The boy beams and Rita boxes his shoulder with a grin. 

“Okay, folks. You’ve got fifteen minutes to bring her back into Harold’s dorm and then I want you all outside on the training parkour, in full gear. Understood?”

They salute in unison. “Yes, Instructor Eren.”

He smiles and dismisses them with a nod and a salute of his own.

He knows he’s not really following military protocol with his education methods, but as long as he isn’t infringing any of it either he can’t bring himself to care. Levi has certainly never stuck to all the rules either and mostly let them run free as long as they showed up for training as they were supposed to, did good work and showed results in their duties. Admittedly, they’d already been fully trained soldiers by then, but he truly doesn’t want to be a second Shadis. 

Hanji knows about his way of teaching and is fine with it, and that’s all he has to know to continue like he does. 

Things probably will get different again anyway when the new Trainees will arrive soon. A new Corps, certainly a new Instructor to teach them too. The last time he asked Hanji she still was searching for someone. 

He wipes the table and mops the floor clean of their visit and makes his way out to the training grounds as well.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“Guess who’s been over for a cup of tea just a few minutes before you arrived.”

By the well-concealed mirth in Levi’s voice Eren doesn’t have to guess and he grins. 

“The golden trio, I assume.” He shifts on his chair to make room for Levi with his legs previously stretched out under the table. 

“The very one.”

The café is already cleaned up and closed and the familiar stillness settles over Eren as Levi sits down on his usual seat. 

“I’ve been wondering for a while when they’d show up here. Rita worships you.”

“Seems like you’re her true hero these days, though.”

Eren snorts into his steaming tea. It’s an Earl Grey today. “Yeah, right. Never mind helping to win a war or anything, but healing a bird for her friend? That’s truly something.”

Behind Levi’s cup of tea his eyes crinkle in a warm smile that’s not completely gone again when he emerges from it. 

Eren remembers Armin’s comment about Levi laughing much too less and thinks Armin is right with that as well but also wrong. 

“Thanks again. I owe you for that.” 

“I’m glad I remembered how to do it. It’s been a while.”

“You treated an injured bird once, too?”

“No, but I was there when a friend did.”

“Well, I’m glad you were.”

“Hm.” 

Levi looks out of the window and the darkness from outside shimmers in in eyes in a way that tells Eren what happened to that friend and he doesn’t want to press for explanations of how it happened. In the end they all fell in the same way anyway.

He wonders how Levi deals with all the losses they’ve had over the years. He himself has raged and yelled and thrown himself into work and training, ambitiously aiming for getting stronger and capable to protect the ones he cares about. He’s grateful that they’ve succeeded in the end. 

He only wishes they would have been quicker. Even stronger. All of them. But most of all himself. 

But he’s still got Armin. And Mikasa. And Connie and Sasha. Hanji. Even Jean, even though he’s still a pain in the arse sometimes. And Levi.

Levi has no one from his younger days. 

It must be lonely. 

“Harold’s bruises look bad,” Levi says. 

“Yeah. At least his nose is healing already.”

“He truly knows how to catch them, huh?”

Shooting a quick glance at Levi’s own set of dark circles under his eyes Eren nods. “Yeah, I suppose he does.”

A faint frown appears on Levi's brow. “I wonder how he ended up in the military.” 

Eren shrugs. “According to his records he just wants to see the world.”

“Hm.”

Thinking about the look on Harold’s face when he’s found Selma and his beam through pain when he’s told Mia about the fox Eren knows the ambition fits him. But he also knows the world outside isn’t safe. They still know too less about what is out there and it’s never been true that all people are kind. 

“He worries me,” Eren admits after a while. 

“Hm,” Levi hums again.

“He has to go out there in two years and during survival lessons yesterday he nearly fainted when Sasha talked about hunting squirrels. He is a good kid, but that doesn’t change anything about what we do here.”

“Didn’t you give them survival training before?”

Pulling on his hair band and ruffling through his now loose hair Eren sighs. “Of course, but until now it was mostly the general stuff like moving silently through the woods, tracking, making a fire and building a shelter if you don’t have any. I was planning on teaching about the food and hunting part next year. They still need to get better with their gear.”

Levi nods. “It could have been worse than squirrels, couldn’t it? Just imagine Sasha talking about roasting rabbits and how they look like cats.”

Eren aims a harmless kick at Levi’s good shin, but smiles. “Seriously. I just don’t know what to do with him. He understands that animals can be food and all. He’s fine with livestock and farm animals and understands the concept but apart from that he’s almost fragile. 

“He so naive. And going by his reaction when he finds an injured animal I need to make sure he is prepared to help his friends if something happens to them.” Eren frowns, frustrated. “When I was his age…” 

He shakes his head. 

“Take him fishing,” Levi says after a short pause.

“Huh?”

“Fish are different. They’re cold-blooded animals and maybe he won’t relate so much. Make them stick up worms on hooks and prepare the fish on a campfire with wild herbs. Choose a lake or river in which the fish aren’t too big and scary. He won’t like it, probably, but he’ll be okay. And if not you can think of something else when you know what to expect.”

“Hm. He did catch insects for Frank.”

“It’s worth a try.” Levi gives a barely noticeable shrug and Eren inhales with relief. 

He doesn’t know what he would do without Levi. 

He’s so great. 

Which is a perfectly normal thing to think of a friend. And of course they help each other out. They always have. It’s what friends are for, just like Armin has said. Armin is pretty great too and he has definitely no such feelings for Armin whatsoever. So why does everybody think that this has to be different?

He stares into his tea, trying to find a solution for at least one of his questions on the bottom of his cup. 

Harold. He has to think about Harold. 

Isn’t there a small trout pond not far from here? Connie said something like this just this morning.

They could make it a camp night. And he could combine it with a lesson about stellar constellations and how to orient oneself at night. The tea is good again tonight. One of his favourites. Levi always seems to know the right tea to choose for each day. 

Harold!

Harold, Harold…pond… 

When Levi asks him about dinner half an hour later Eren has already begun to make a plan about fishing. 


	8. A Guiding Star

“It’s a great idea Eren. I love it.” Hanji beams.

After talking to Connie and Sasha at breakfast Eren has directly gone to her office to tell her about his plan and get her permission to carry it out.

“What do you need? Fishing rods, gear, tents, I assume?”

“Gear and tents, yes. The usual Scout equipment without the horses and carriages, though. No fishing rods.” He grins.

She beams back. “Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

“Probably.”

“Wonderful. When do you want to leave then?”

“As soon as possible,” he says. 

“Of course.” She leans back in her chair, still smiling.

“I was thinking about tomorrow.”

Her smile drops and she shakes her head. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Why?”

She sighs. “Tomorrow is Friday. What means you’ll still be on your way on Saturday. Remember last week when we agreed on you slowing down for once and me not giving you any work on the next weekends? It wasn’t a suggestion, Eren. I’m sorry.”

Oh. That’s right. In his eagerness and plans making he’s completely forgotten about that. 

“But next week will be too late,” he looks back at her, even though he knows his protest won’t help. “Connie and Sasha will be leaving again and they wanted to accompany me. Also, there’s no snow yet and the milder weather would be perfect. There’s even supposed to be a clear sky the next two days.”

“Did you check that already?”

“Yes.”

“Connie and Sasha agreed?”

“Yes.”

She observes him sternly through her thick glasses and he holds the gaze.

“What about a new agreement?”

He frowns suspiciously. “What kind of an agreement?”

“I’ll give you the permission to do this trip tomorrow. On the condition that you will make sure to be back by noon on Saturday and that on Monday, you and your Trainees will take a free day.”

What? He hadn’t thought it to be that easy to convince her. He hadn’t thought to be able to change her mind at all.

Her smile is mild. “No need to look so surprised, Eren. It really is a good plan. We all know this boy needs help. He’s lucky to have you.”

“Erm. Thanks.” He shrugs. “It was Levi’s idea though.”

She sighs. “Sometimes I think he misses it. But then I sit in his café and it simply fits, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” He smiles.

“I only wish I could borrow him from his retirement for next year if I’m honest.”

“You still haven’t found a second Instructor yet?”

“No. If I don't have one until Monday I'll get one assigned, even though I'd rather not. I had one candidate but he decided for the Military Police after all. They’re all bonkers. And given the military that’s a whole new scale of an insult, let me tell you.”

He snorts. “You’re probably right.”

“So.” She grins. “Do we have a deal? You can tell Harold I’ll look after his lovely patient.”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“Instructor Eren, Sir,” Mia asks. “Why did you say we are collecting long branches today?”

He smiles. Somehow this project is giving him a new purpose and it’s exhilarating and motivating more than he would have suspected. 

“Because we will make some fishing rods with them,” he explains.

“What for?”

“For fishing, of course,” Sasha says. “Sometimes you will be away and have nothing to eat. You could always hunt, of course, but fishing is easier.”

“But couldn’t we just eat berries and stuff?” Percy asks. “You know? Like you told us a few days ago?”

“Yes, that’s right.” Sasha nods. “But what do you do in the winter when there’s nothing growing or when it’s snowing and some animals are in hibernation during that time? You’ll have to find something to eat then too. And you can’t solely live on rations. They only get you so far and take up space on the wagons.”

“Is it true you’ve been away for one whole year, just like Instructor Eren?” Harold asks, eyes wide and curious. 

“Yes. Two times, actually.”

“Cool!” he cheers and looks at Rita, who grins at him widely.

Eren hasn’t told them yet what exactly they will do on the next day. One thing at a time, he thinks. And the first thing on his list is making the rods. 

“Alright, listen,” he speaks, raising his voice so that they can all hear him and they fall silent. “We are going to need living branches from trees. You see how tall I am?”

Collective nodding. 

“Each one of you will search for one branch that is about as long as I am tall and about as thick on the thicker end as your big toe.”

They all look at their feet and Eren hastens to elaborate.

“There’s no need to take your shoes off. It’s just a guideline for you.” 

“What about the side branches and stuff, Sir?” Rita asks. “Wouldn’t they be in the way?”

“We’ll cut them off. That’s why I told you to bring your knifes.”

“Can’t we use branches from the floor, Sir?” Derek asks.

“No,” Eren says. “We need living wood, because it is more bendy. So that when you catch a fish the rod won’t break. Break the branch off the tree though and don’t use your knives for that. Don’t climb if you don’t have to. There should be enough branches within your reach.”

Mumbling.

“Any other question?”

They fall silent and some of them shake their heads.

“Let’s go then.”

They salute and scatter off and Eren, Sasha and Connie begin to search for three fitting branches of their own.

“So, Hanji gave you permission?” Sasha asks.

“She did,” Eren says. “We can go tomorrow. Thank you for doing this for me. It means a lot.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I still don’t get why we let them make self-made rods though,” Connie says. “Isn’t it easier to just use the ones we have?”

“It’s easier, yes, but I want them to know what to do if they don’t have anything except their knife. It can happen. They should be prepared.”

“Oh. I didn’t think of that.”

“Was this whole thing truly Captain Levi’s idea?” Sasha asks.

“The fishing part, yes." He makes halt at the nearest beech. "It think this one is good.” Testing the flexibility of a low branch Eren nods. “A bit long though,” he mumbles to himself.

He begins breaking it off the tree and then shortens it by holding the branch against the tree trunk and kicking one end off. “Better.”

“Armin said you’re having dinner with him every night,” Sasha says, working on a branch of her own.

“Yeah, that’s right.” 

“Did you know there’s rumours everywhere about you two having a thing?”

And just like this the good mood that has been rushing through his veins all day long is gone.

“I heard about assumptions, yes. But no, we don’t. We’re friends,” Eren insists and concentrates on another branch that completely deserves to be the aim of all his irritation. Or something.

“Connie and I are friends too,” Sasha frowns. “That doesn’t stop us.”

Eren scowls at her.

“Sash? Just let it be,” Connie says softly. 

“What?” she asks. “Why?”

“Because not everyone is the same. Just because we’re fine, doesn’t mean everyone else would be as well.”

Even though he doesn’t need it Eren is grateful for Connie’s support.  He wants to say something too, tell Sasha off as well or give her the first insult his running thoughts scream at him, but he is interrupted by approaching feet that rustle over the forest floor and demand his attention.

“Instructor Eren, Sir?” Mia’s call comes from a few feet behind them as she and her two friends come closer, each of them carrying a piece of wood with them. “Are these alright?”

They hold out their branches.

“Yes, they’re fine Mia. You can go to the meeting spot.”

They spend the next hours cutting their branches into shape and tying finishing lines around the rods while Eren tells them how to use vines instead if they’re out of fishing lines or even sewing thread.

After that they go in search for small, v-shaped pieces of wood and Connie shows them how to cut them into makeshift hooks and explains them how to look under stones for bait. 

“Turn them over and even at this time of the year you might be able to find something. You can use crickets or grubs, but I prefer worms.”

“Don’t birds like worms too?” Harold asks, looking at Sasha.

“Yes, they do,” she agrees. 

“Do you want to collect a few for Selma?” Rita asks and Harold nods. “We will help you. Come, Mia.”

At least this part seems to be going great so far, Eren supposes, and he smiles in relief as they hurry off to search for stones in the rusting foliage. Three friends in green, wing-embroided cloaks. 

Friends…

The rest of the day passes with packing. They’ve been trained to know what they will need and even though it's already standard procedure for them Eren watches with a growing amount of pride how they manage to gather everything on their own within minutes. 

It’s only a short trip. They already have been sent out on training missions on their own and already done some shorter exercises with camping. Still they sense that this will be a bit different and the pleasant anticipation is omnipresent and still hums through HQ when Eren leaves it in the evening and he isn’t surprised that Levi has already heard about his arrangement with Hanji.

“Is everything prepared for the big trip?” 

“Apart from a few small things, yes.”

“Hm.” 

They’ve just started to play chess and Eren feels the fire in the hearth comforting him wonderfully to his bones until the world outside has no real meaning anymore. 

He’ll miss this tomorrow. All of it.

Which has nothing to do with anything. 

Tucking his feet tighter into the sitting cushion of Levi’s leather armchair he leans forward to make a move on the board. 

“When will you leave?”

“Directly after breakfast so we can seize the daylight hours.”

Levi nods. “You already made rods today?”

“Yes. It went pretty well too.”

“Vines?”

“Yes, and a few with fishing line too.”

“Any worm-related problems yet?” His eyes meet Eren’s and even though his voice is neutral and he doesn’t say it there’s no denial in him being as concerned for the kid as Eren is. 

“No. Harold collected some for Selma and even let Connie show him how to put them onto hooks.”

“Hm.” Levi moves his castle. “You’ll be fine tomorrow.”

Eren blinks. Levi isn’t the one to make promises or assurances for a purpose of false hope. He’s nearly brutally honest this way what is just one of the reasons why Eren trusts him so much. With his life, his heart, everything.

If Levi says, things will be fine, he already knows they will. 

“What makes you think that?” Eren asks.

“Just a feeling,” he says mildly.

Looking into Levi’s firm eyes is always so calming and reassuring, Eren notices. It’s like walking around in the cold night, aimlessly and lost, and then finally seeing the North Star and finding the safest way back home. 

He truly is great. So great. 

_ “You complete each other,”  _ Armin said. And he is right.

Eren doesn’t know how he could handle losing Levi. 

He also doesn’t know how to handle this realisation.

_ “Connie and I are friends too. That doesn’t stop us.” _

Oh, please, no!

He wishes it wouldn’t occur to him here, in all places of the world. At Levi’s flat. In Levi’s chair. Which smells like him—oh, god, it smells like him!—and there is no possible way for Eren to hide, because Levi is here, in his lungs, under his skin, and  _ in person _ in this very room, looking right at him with his usually so steadying eyes, that now make Eren’s heart swoop like an idiot, and he has no clue that his friend is falling, shattering into pieces, right in front of him.

Desperate for at least something to hide behind Eren latches onto his cup of tea and can do nothing, absolutely nothing, to prevent the undeniable warmth from spreading through his stomach and swarm about.

When he continues playing he has no clue at all what he’s supposed to do.

And when he leaves for his own home much, much later that night and yet too soon at the same time, it feels like he’s leaving behind his heart in Levi’s most favourite chair. 

He flops down on his bed, finally able to hide his face in his pillow, and groans. This is utterly terrifying, tremendous, dreadful, and wonderful and he feels so happy that he might burst if he doesn’t scream it out into the world.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

This time there is no way to deny it and he lets the full sensation crash over him until his eyes burn and he is raw with it. He is in love with Levi. 

Rolling onto his back with a shiver he listens to the stillness in his room that, without Levi’s presence, is only silent and empty and yet so full with his shaky breaths and the frantic pounding of his heart and he knows he has to figure out how to live with this somehow, because he is in love with Levi and it fucking hurts in all the good ways and the bad.

“On the bright side,” he croaks to no one but the ceiling, “I’ve got two days in the woods to do just that. 

“Well, one and a half,” he adds weakly. “Isn’t that fantastic.”

The ceiling doesn’t answer.

“Exactly.”


	9. A Campfire

As planned they manage to leave in the morning right after a thorough breakfast. Mikasa throws Eren a concerned glance over her bowl of porridge but doesn’t comment on either the dark circles under his tired eyes or his somewhat dishevelled hair that even a shower didn’t untangle. She also doesn’t comment on his bouncy mood that with his state of joy mixed with bottomless guilt is in top form. 

“You alright, mate?” Connie has asked him and Eren shrugged and said he is fine and only slept badly. Which, on close examination, is the truth even though not all of it.

But anyway. It’s not his Trainees’ or anybody else’s fault that he is a helpless idiot, so as they head out he pulls himself together and hands over the briefing to Connie who gives the directions to the pond and a rough description of the territory. 

It’s the Trainees' turn to figure out how they reach their destination, compasses in their hands and divided into four groups that are to take turns in being their guides while the veterans stay behind them in the back of the procession. 

They’ve trained for this—even though they’ve never taken this route before—and as he follows them Eren makes notes on how they interact in the groups, who they each choose as their leader and how they make decisions, compared to their prior excursion of this kind. He is barely surprised when the group with Harold, Mia, and Rita choose Harold as their guide and Eren smiles as he sees the trio pave the way for the rest of them.

Embracing the feeling of being out in the fresh air Eren seizes the opportunity to let his mind wander unguardedly as he only half-listens to Connie and Sasha who have begun to talk to each other about some big, fat fish they caught in a stream last year and how they prepared it. 

The weather, as forecast, is kind to them. The clear sky is ice blue and the morning air offers them a crisp cold embrace with the sun still having just enough strength left to gradually warm their shoulders as they head westwards.

Winter solstice is coming. 

Levi likes winter. He likes the snow and the quietness of it all.

Come to think of it, Levi likes all the seasons. 

Eren smiles.

They arrive at early noon and make camp. The pond is in the middle of the forest and would be hidden by deciduous trees and shrubs if it weren’t for the time of the year and the fact that the branches have lost the last colourful leaves just a few days ago. Therefore the bare branches reach out into the cold and barely conceal the smooth surface of the water which reflects the world in blue and grey. Stones frame the bank, big enough so one could sit on them whilst holding a pole over the lake. 

It’s perfect. Just as Connie has promised. 

After letting them enkindle a fire Eren makes them all sit together with their poles and tells them what they are about to do. They’re going to fish in groups too and work together to be able to help each other with getting out the fish when one is hooked. 

Then Connie tells them about what to do when that happens. 

“We will eat them?” Mia asks.

“Yes,” Eren says firmly, watching Harold out of the corner of his eyes. He’s gone quiet. And Eren gets nervous. He has no idea whether or not it was a good idea to do this in a group. Maybe it would have been better to take Harold to a lake alone and tell him in an extra lesson. 

But the others have to learn it too and now they are here already. And he won’t turn back. He only hopes everything will go well. 

It does go well. Of course it does. 

Levi said so. 

By nightfall the fire has burnt down to a hot blaze and a two dozen fish, mostly trouts, are propped up on sticks, caught and gutted by the Trainees with a bit of initial help from Connie and Sasha. They’ve also brought some flour and yeast and made dough for bread on a stick.

Harold has winced when the first fish had found a quick end but Rita and Mia have stood next to him and somehow managed to pull him through it without being terrorised afterwards. Maybe it was good to do this as a group trip after all. Now Harold is as eager to eat as the rest of them and the roasting fish smell so lovely, stuffed with some wild thyme they have brought from HQ. 

Thyme is always good, Eren thinks as he gathers his small kettle and tea supplies from his bundle. It assuages and calms the stomach and always manages to drive out sadness, strengthens the confidence and quickens the appetite. It’s been a good choice to bring it along. It soothes his own nerves as well. 

The night sky is clear and glitters down on them, the waxing half moon sending out its pale silverlight next to the barely noticeable Uranus in the South, the Orion, and from time to time they even spot a falling star while Eren tells them about how to use the stars for orientation, shows them Ursa Minor and Polaris and even though he’s seen Levi just yesterday and he will see him again tomorrow there’s a sudden wound in his chest that wants to rip through him. He misses him here, even in the midst of all these demanding teenagers that leave him no time to rest, and amongst his friends. 

The tea helps with that and simultaneously doesn’t at all, but at least it warms him and when Rita asks him curiously if she may try it he lets the cup go around and brews a second one. 

When the first Trainee falls asleep while seated and rests his head on his friend’s shoulder Eren calls it a night and they obey. They have to get up early tomorrow to make it back in time. 

The first snoring echoes over the lake while Eren looks onto the star scattered water and then up at the sky. 

What should he do?

Because he has to decide on something. He knows himself well enough to be aware of the fact that he needs to have a plan to not do something utterly stupid later and fuck this up. He can’t repress it anymore, not for himself at least. It’s there and it’s burning through him so fiercely that that his blood cheers.

He hears steps behind him and knows without looking it’s Connie and Sasha. He’s lived and fought along their steps for long enough to recognise them instantly.

“Hey, Instructor,” Sasha says and he hears her smile in the darkness.

“Hey,” he greets them and they sit down to his right.

“Thank you for taking us with you today.”

“Are you serious? Thank you for joining, you’re being a big help.”

“That’s good.”

“They’re really good kids, aren’t they?” Connie asks.

“Mostly, yeah.” Eren smiles.

Sasha laughs softly. “You know, it’s truly been a great day.”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely, mate,” Connie says. 

“Well, I’m glad.” 

Preparing another cup of tea he watches them sit so close to each other that their thighs and shoulders touch and he looks away. “Are you looking forward to be on the road again?”

Sasha shrugs. “To be honest it’s not really yet settled if we will leave again in the first place.”

“Wait, what?” Eren frowns. “You’re not leaving again?” 

“Probably, no,” Connie says.

“We like the travelling,” Sasha says with a shrug, “but I’m missing the other exercise and Connie is getting old.” She grins and he pokes his tongue out at her.

“You’re two months older than me so I guess that joke is on you. Also, look at how much hair I’ve got.” He shoves his head into her face. “Does this look like the head of an old dude to you?”

She giggles and spots a leftover stick from one of the Trainees. “Bread!” She enthuses and reaches for it before plopping down next to Connie again.

“You’re hopeless, woman,” he sighs warmly.

Eren smiles. “Do you already know what you want to do then?”

“No, not yet. We liked today and I liked the prior lessons with you, so something at the headquarter that would make us able to help out would be great.” 

“Really? Because Hanji is still looking for an Instructor for the next Trainee Corps if you’re interested.”

“She doesn’t have one yet?” Connie asks. “They’re arriving soon though, don’t they?”

“Yeah, by the end of next week.”

“Hm,” Sasha says, staring up at the sky and chewing. “Is teaching hard?”

“As in effort? Yeah, sometimes. Mostly in fact.”

“No, as in how hard is it to teach them stuff?”

“Well, you already did teach them a lot today alone. And it varies, I guess.”

“Do you decide what to teach them on your own or is there a timetable or something similar?”

“Both, actually. There are guidelines for lessons and what they should know and be able to do at the end of a month and some drills that I have to make them do like the gear tryout and such. But otherwise I’m free to plan on my own.”

“Hm. That sounds good, actually.”

“It does,” Connie agrees. “But there is only got one job open, isn’t there? We would need two.”

“Talk to Hanji,” Eren says. “Maybe you can work something out.”

“I guess we will,” Sasha says. “I only hope Armin won’t mind. Connie always says he’ll be alright with it, but I still can’t stop worrying he’ll be sad.”

Eren sees her concern goes deep. Her shoulders are slightly hunched, despite the bread on a stick she’s still working on, and her brow is adorned by an uncommon frown. 

“Connie is right,” he says, offering her a sip of his tea, because he knows it will support his words. “Armin will understand.” 

Her frown eases instantly and she sighs. “Thank you, Eren.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Listen, I’m sorry for yesterday,” she says suddenly.

“What do you mean?” 

“The stuff I said about you and Captain Levi. It’s really none of my business.”

Connie reaches for her hand to squeeze it and doesn’t let go afterwards. 

“Oh, that.” Eren tightens the grip on his cup, wilfully ignoring their linked fingers. “It’s okay.”

“No it was out of line. It’s just…ah, forget it. Are we okay?”

“Of course.”

“Are you too? You’ve been different today. Is it because of what I said?”

Feeling detected he clears his throat. It has been silly of him to think they wouldn’t notice anything. “Yeah, I’m fine. And no, I completely did that to myself, trust me.”

“If you need to talk…”

“Thanks, Sasha. I know.”

“Good.” The relief in her voice is so blatant that he has to swallow and bite on his lips to keep his words in. His confusion and his need for a solution for this mess. 

Usually he’d turn to Levi with something that demanding in his head, but no. This one he has to figure out all on his own. 

So what, if he has these feelings? Does that mean they can’t be friends anymore? Of course they can be. It’s all a matter of letting it come between them or not. 

And he won’t. Can’t and will not. As simple as that.

He’s tried to cut Levi out of his life once already, or rather cut himself out of the equation. It hasn’t worked. He had been missing him. And in the end he’s gone right back to the source of it.

And acting on it…no. He’s already done that part too. And even though he remembers every single part of it and yearns to feel it again, just one more time, this would be just another way of ruining everything all over again. There’s no escape this time. So he will have to make this work. 

He’s got his solution then. 

Good. He can do this. 

Gazing back at the sky he catches sight of a falling star. 

Hopeless fool as he is he makes a wish.

He wishes…


	10. A Pair of Fish

When Eren wakes up in the early morning it is still dark and his head is full of warm thoughts about Levi. 

Reluctant to face the winter on the other side of his blanket just yet, he lets the images run through him for a while in the quietness as he rolls over and slowly slips into awareness. 

He’ll see him again later this day.

Which all at once makes it completely impossible for him to lay still any longer.  If he had his way he would jump up, pack together his things, and leave right away, but there’s a bunch of thirteen-year-olds in the tents around his own that are his responsibility. 

He stands up anyway, gets dressed, and leaves the cosy warmth of his makeshift bed to face the world with a smile as he stretches the sleep out of his body in the cold air.  There’s no one else outside yet and it is pleasantly still, so he follows his impulse and fetches his fishing pole.  If Levi can’t be here with them the experience has to come to Levi. 

Sasha shoots him a grin that he thinks is a little bit too knowing when she emerges from her tent, but she doesn’t say anything as he carries his two catches to the freshly lit fire, already gutted, scaled and washed. 

They work in harmonic silence, packing up their things with proficient movements and preparing porridge for breakfast as the camp slowly begins to awaken around them. 

As he has promised to Hanji they are back at noon and even in time for lunch with the others. 

“You’ve been successful?” she asks him when he visits her at her office to announce their return. 

“Quite so.”

“Harold as well?” 

“Yes. He was a bit wobbly, but it was good he had his friends with him.”

“Mission accomplished, then. I'm glad to hear it.”

Eren grins. “How’s the patient?”

“She’s fine. Quite chatty I have to admit.”

“I’ll send Harold over after lunch to pick her up.”

“Do that. But remember…!”

“Yeah, yeah. No extra work till Tuesday. I know.”

She smiles.

“Sasha and Connie might come over later to talk to you.”

“Oh?” A smug beams spreads over her face. “Perfect. I had a feeling already.”

He shakes his head. “You and Levi truly know just everything, don’t you?”

“I wish.” Hanji snorts. “But no, not everything. Just enough. Nice fish, by the way.”

Eren grins. “They’re for dinner.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He rolls his eyes at her and they share a chuckle at their in-joke. 

“See you on Tuesday, Eren. And pinch some Juniper from the kitchen for the fish. He’ll like that.”

“Thank you, Hanji.”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“Are you going to see Levi again today?” Mikasa asks. 

Lunch in the mess hall is astonishingly loud after one day in the wild nature and Eren sits together with his friends, feeling voracious.

“Yes,” he says.

He feels her eyes on him again and meets them shortly. 

She looks ponderous and then shoots him a rare, small smile.

What’s that about? 

Hesitantly he smiles back and turns back to his soup, just in time to catch Sasha pinching one left-over slice of bread from his tray with a wink. He rolls his eyes and lets her get away with it.

“What have you been up to while we were away on our big adventure?” she asks a little while later, looking at Mikasa, Jean, and Armin. They’ve already finished eating a while ago and returned their dishes, but somehow ended up sitting at a table again, catching up. It’s weekend and there are no afternoon duties.

Jean is drawing again, his face relaxed and calm and observant. 

When Eren takes a short peek at his work he sees it’s them again. Laughing and sitting together. He wonders how many drawings of them he already has in his sketchbook. It’s nearly coming to an end. 

“I’ve continued planning the next expedition with Hanji,” Armin says.

Jean nods. “Making any progress on that?”

“Yeah, we adjusted rations and supplies today and talked about some earth and water samples we brought.”

Eren chuckles. Hanji hasn’t changed either as it seems.

“Oh, that reminds me, Armin,” Sasha says. “Did you tell her about Max? We checked on him before we left yesterday. His fetlocks still don’t look as if he would be fit by Wednesday.”

“Yes, we will be able to change him and a few of the other horses.”

“Good.”

“How was your trip?” Jean asks. 

“Splendid,” Sasha beams and she starts a recapitulation of the last hours and Eren lets hers and Connie’s voices wash over him until they part.

The afternoon passes by with making sure everything from their fishing expedition is back in place until Eren has no reason at all any longer to delay his visit at the Sparrow. All morning long it has pulled him back there, but now that he is back at HQ, he feels the nervousness eat at his nerves like ants on his skin. 

And yet he desperately wants to, yearns to see Levi again, so when darkness falls Eren gathers his fish, some herbs and spices, and steps out into the streets. 

The inviting light from inside the café welcomes him from a distance and with every step towards it he feels his grin widen, until he stands right in front of the window. 

He braces himself for whatever will await him on the other side and pushes the door open. The bell tinkles and the toasty warmth from inside that smells like tea and coffee and wood and polish seems to hug him in a cordial embrace. 

It’s so good to be back. 

“Do you want something to drink or are you planning on blocking the door all night?” Levi stands behind his counter and even though his face is neutral the slight amusement in his eyes is unmistakable. 

“Hi,” Eren grins, not moving from his place in front of the entrance. “I brought some fish.”

He holds them up as if it wasn’t obvious.

“So I see.” A small smirk steals its way onto Levi’s face, flickers for only a second, but it’s there. “Tea?”

“Yes, please.”

“Give them to me. I’ll hang them up in the back. It’s cooler there than in here.”

Eren has been out in the cold on his way here but it’s Levi’s fingers that are slightly cool as they take over their future meal and brush over Eren’s warm ones and Eren’s breath catches. 

He grins once more and decides it would be best to go to his usual seat. 

Being here feels different and yet the same today. It’s the same calm atmosphere, the same scents, the same sounds of the other customers and Levi’s movements in the back, the same china for his tea, white and simple and smooth under his fingertips at it heats up his hands and he takes his first sip—it’s Gunpowder—and yet everything seems to have changed. 

It is as if he has been looking at one of Armin’s books all the time, turning it around in his hand, reading the cover and feeling its weight, and only now has decided to open it; to smell its unique scent of dry paper and oily printing ink, of age and timeless comfort, to feel the thickness of the pages under his fingertips and to dive into the vastness of its world, not knowing where or who he might be when he’s finished reading it. 

And by the time Levi joins him at their table—the café closed for the night and everything in its place for the next day—he’s the same and yet different as well. 

He’s still Eren’s friend, yes, but he is so much more now too. And Eren allows himself to look at him, to really look at him, until it hurts.

“It went well.” 

Eren smiles at the statement, his mouth dry with emotion. “It did.”

“Mh.” Levi sits in his usual position, his one foot resting on his other knee, leant back in his seat, one arm over the backrest, tea cup in his hand, steaming warmly against his palm.

He’s been hobbling ever so slightly before and Eren supposes the promised snow will hit them soon, but now Levi looks relaxed. 

“How was business?” Eren asks, already knowing the answer.

“Not bad.”

Eren grins. 

And he can’t help it. “Did you miss me?”

“Tch.” 

They drink. 

“According to Hanji Selma the Bird is quite chatty,” Levi says.

Eren snorts. “I heard. Harold will be glad to have her back.”

“How did he do?”

“He was okay with the hooks and worms and the fishing itself, though he was a bit more quiet than usual. He didn’t participate in the preparation but didn’t look away either and ate with us.”

“He didn’t catch a fish himself?”

“No, but Mia did. And she did well. Quick and effortless.”

“Hm. Being in the group helped him?”

“It did.”

“Good.”

“I’ll take them out for another round in early spring and see how it goes. Let them do a night walk with only the sky as orientation then, I guess.”

“Hm,” Levi hums into his tea.

Their legs are nearly touching under the table. Eren is increasingly aware of it and he shifts his left knee and foot away a bit, just in case.

“So. I’ve got a couple of fish in the back,” Levi says. “Got any idea what to do with them?”

Eren grins. “Well, it’s the weekend so I thought no bread and cheese today.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Is that so.”

“I brought herbs,” Eren offers, raising an eyebrow himself.

“Thyme and juniper?”

“Yes.” 

“With butter in a pan?”

“Sure. It’s your fish.”

Levi smiles and Eren basks in it.

They cook in quiet understanding. Levi sifts through his pantry and produces some potatoes which they boil in some water with their peel on while they flavour the fish and fry them in some butter as they are. 

Eren is certain it’s the best meal he’s ever had, every banquet dinner at Historia’s included, but when Levi nods in approval as he takes his first bite of trout and his shoulders relax a little, it is like nobody has ever had a meal like this before and he makes a mental note to bring home some fish again. 

Soon he tells Levi about the lake and his Trainees, about shared stories over the campfire and his ideas for the planned trip in spring. They might have snow then, but that would only be another good reason to do it. They’d have to train that just as well as camping in the burning, merciless heat of summer. 

Levi listens and when they move over to the pair of chairs in front of the hearth Eren melts into the leather of Levi’s chair and inhales deeply. 

No, Eren won’t do anything stupid. 

But that doesn’t mean he can’t bloody well glory in anything he can get either.


	11. Tea and Toast and Honey

A Sunday that won’t be followed by a workday is a rather odd thing to wake up to, Eren decides as he opens his eyes to a first dim daylight that’s filtering through the curtains of his room in a near blackness that’s just about to brighten up. 

He’s stayed long at Levi’s last night, refilling himself with images and scents and Levi’s voice and soaking up every single hint of a smile. 

Now he has one whole day to spend until he’ll go over again and—veteran or not—he is determined to start it with a lie-in, forbidding himself to think about anything else than turning over once more. 

His Sunday, his rules. 

His bed is warm, warmer than the air surrounding it, and it’s just so cosy…

When he opens his eyes again he is startled to notice that the day is already advanced and his inner clock tells him it’s mid-late morning.

He gets up and pads into his small kitchen, grinning at the napkin that is still pinned against the wall as he fumbles with his water kettle. 

The rooftops on the other side of the window are white with frost, but despite the heavy, dark clouds up in the sky it hasn’t snowed yet. The gloom, however, is omnipresent and he busies himself with preparing his breakfast. 

The roasted toast with honey smells heavenly and as he crunches it with an approving hum and a following sip of tea, he revives the memories of last night.

His thoughts follow him into the shower and as he soaps himself he is suddenly faced with a whole new problem. A very demanding one too.

He looks down at his half-hard cock that’s been begging for attention since his insight three nights ago, and he realises that if he decides to stop running, he has to do this eventually. Maybe not just yet, but one day he will. 

He’s been avoiding it, knowing doing this would mean admitting it completely. But after yesterday he knows there’s no turning back anyway. He’s not confused about this anymore. He’s not at the pond anymore either. He’s alone. And he needs it so fucking badly. 

No one will know. 

Now is as good a moment as any other. 

Swallowing dryly he shuts his eyes close and wraps his hand around himself in the steamy cubicle of his shower.

It’s all it takes and Levi is suddenly everywhere and the memories come rushing back in a storm. Eren recalls Levi’s pale skin under his fingers, heated and flushed, his eyes that have been looking up into his own, bright and shining and bare and observant, his lips that have been wet and red and swollen from their heavy kissing and his taste and his scent that Eren revisits every single night in that chair and he fills his lungs with it.

“Oh fuck, yes!” he whimpers and presses his other palm against the cool tiles of the wall for balance while he pumps his now fully-hardened cock as slowly as he can, taking his time because he knows this will be over much too soon. He can already feel it, burning in his abdomen, feels himself slipping in and out of his hand and tightens his grip with another groan, toes curling, hips thrusting, water prickling on his neck and running down his back in gentle rivers.

He sees Levi sitting in his café, apron gone, top button opened to reveal his neck, his collarbones, sleeves rolled up and drinking tea, hiding his beautiful smile and drawing birds, humming over his food, looking at him over games of chess, and all Eren wants to do is stand up from the imaginary chair and walk over, kiss him breathless and make him smile, pull him close, press their bodies against each other again, hot and slippery and skin against skin until he’s lost and he thinks of Levi whispering his name and it’s too much, all to much. 

“Yes!”

He comes in a burst of heat and cries out under the water, spilling heavily into his hand and all over the place, shuddering and gasping. 

He stands there, breath easing and heart racing, and lets his senses come back to him before he slowly opens his eyes again. 

All the evidence is gone by now, rinsed off and washed away. Everything that is left is the knowledge that he is alone.

And that he’s just run out of hot water.

Shuddering, now because of the sudden cold, he hurries to finish his shower, wraps a towel around his hips and is ready to face the day.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“Sasha and Connie will be Instructors next term,” Armin mentions to Eren and Mikasa in the afternoon. After another prolonged lunch the three of them have left HQ to spend a fraction of their left time in unshared company and are now wandering through the nearby woods. 

“They talked to you?” Eren asks, hanging the cap of his coat over his head as a gust of wind whips around his head with a rustle of leaves as Armin does too.

“Yes. They’ve been at Hanji’s this morning and came straight to me afterwards as if to apologise.”

“Sasha was nervous you’d be sad if they wouldn’t join you again.”

Armin smiles. “They look happy these days. They should be where they want to.”

Eren grins back.

“You look better too.” 

“I am feeling better,” he admits. “Thank you.”

“How was dinner yesterday?” Armin asks. Of course he’s not only speaking about dinner and Eren’s heart speeds up at the memory.

“Good.” 

“Sasha said you brought back some fish.”

The sudden image about how Levi’s eyes have lit up when he took his first bite makes Eren smile again. “Yes.”

“So…”

“Yes,” he admits, looking down at his feet. “But no.”

“I’m sorry,” Armin says, frowning. 

“It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” Mikasa asks into the following silence. She’s been so quiet up until now, following them like a shadow and breathing out small puffs of air. 

“Yeah, it is,” he says. 

“I know, Eren. I meant the no part.” 

Eren kicks a fir cone with his foot and sets it off flying away over the forest floor until it knocks against a tree to disappear in a heap of foliage. “Yes.”

“I’m not.”

He stares at her. “What? Why?”

“Just a feeling,” she says calmly, looks back at him for a second and then there it is again: A brief smile.

Sometimes Eren wonders if the Ackermans share an own language which consists of nearly the exact same gestures, curt questions, and answers. 

He frowns. Her also grey eyes are so sincere and firm. Her cheeks and nose are flushed, her mouth is nuzzled into his old red—by now rather flimsy—scarf and he suddenly realises that he hasn’t noticed at all how the temperatures have fallen immensely over night. She must be cold after what must be two hours in the frosty wind.

“Let’s head back for somewhere warmer,” he says.

“I know just the place,” Armin says with a mischievous grin. 

 

~*~*~*~*

 

As they take their seats in the Sparrow he doesn’t choose his usual spot right next to the window with a view over nearly the whole café and the counter. It’s silly, he knows that, but that’s something private he isn’t willing to share just yet.

They decide on a piece of apple tarte each and let Levi decide on the tea. It must be something new—Eren doesn’t recognise it, another Oolong perhaps—and they eat and drink while Armin talks about the preparations for his leave on Wednesday, about Connie’s and Sasha’s plans, and about the amount of notebooks he’ll fill over the course of the next months, his eyes gleaming in anticipation.

They still sit there and talk when it is closing time and Levi joins them at their table with a cup of tea of his own, his apron still on. He listens to Armin’s tellings and Eren smiles. 

He understands why Hanji has the impression Levi misses the military every now and then. Because some parts, the planning, the physical activity, the routines, he certainly does miss at least a bit. The rest, however, not so much. They both don’t.

Levi finishes his tea and after a brief, questioning glance at Eren Armin and Mikasa slip back into their coats, Armin promising Levi to come back again before he’ll leave. Levi nods at him and begins his closing routine, starting with locking the door behind them, while Eren stands up to wash their dishes. 

With his arms deep in dishwater he listens to the movements in the café and thinks about Mikasa’s words.

He doesn’t want to risk anything here. Even though he might never get what he wishes for completely, he has the best part of it. He’s got the company and the trust. Their friendship, and something to look forward to every day. And even though it’s usually a good advise to listen to Mikasa’s intentions he doesn’t see what makes her think that he is wrong with his assumptions. 

Ever since their afternoon together all these years ago, which Eren counts himself responsible for, Levi has never made a move. And Eren doesn’t see why he even should. 

He’s always been so young in comparison. Still is. There’s nothing he can change about that and it’s okay. But even apart from that he wouldn’t choose himself to have a relationship with. On the contrary, he imagines it to be utterly awful. Friendship is one thing. But for a partner? Levi could have anyone. So why should he settle for him? Even theoretically. 

No. Eren doesn’t see it. And trying to push for a hint, an answer, or anything would be a selfish and foolish thing to do. A very foolish thing indeed. 

Things are good as they are. 

Back in Levi’s most favourite chair Eren is happily fed with tea and dinner and impressions of Levi and he is content with the world. 

“So,” Levi says after they’ve turned the chessboard around and he’s moved the first pawn. “Sasha and Connie will stay?”

“Yes,” Eren says, moving one of his black pawns one step forward. “It's a bit odd, really. I always thought they were happy out there, with their penchant for nature and everything related.”

“Circumstances change,” Levi says, tapping his index finger on the armrest of his dark red corduroy chair. “If they want to start a family it might be better for them this way.”

Eren nods and watches the glow of the fire illuminate Levi’s hand. 

“What about you?”

Breath hitching and heart swooping Eren snaps up to meet a pair of grey eyes that have assumed a slight golden hue under the firelight. “What?” 

“Will you rejoin them when they go?”

Oh. That. 

Of course. But still, even though the question seems to be neutral, casual, Levi taps his finger again and Eren knows there’s more to it. 

“No,” he says simply, holding their gaze.

Levi nods and when he takes a sip of his tea his eyes are almost positively warm. 

“Anyway,” Eren says when a few moments have passed without further words. “The new recruits will come next week.”

“Good. They'll keep you from becoming lazy.”

Eren grins and can’t stop himself from aiming a kick at Levi’s good leg around the small table between them, knowing he'll have to choose the other one next time unless he doesn't want to be scolded. 

“I'm not lazy. I’ve been on a breathtaking adventure just the day before yesterday. You know…in the woods and with catching wild lake beasts? It was grand.”

This time there’s no doubt. Levi takes another sip of tea and his eyes crinkle in a covertly snort.

Grinning once more Eren moves another one of his pawns and leans back in the chair. Indeed. Things are good as they are. 


	12. Snowflakes

“Just to be clear on this,” Levi says as Eren steps into the café the following day just before closing time. “You’d rather spend your evening with a senile bookkeeper than being at the farewell celebration of your friend who will leave in two days to be away for another year.”

“Uh, yeah,” Eren says, having to admit that spoken out loud it does sound a bit odd. 

Levi barely noticeably squints his eyes in response.

It’s been some kind of unsaid rule in the Survey Corps that the official farewell celebrations take place two evenings before an expedition of any sorts. In theory it’s supposed to reassure that the soldiers aren’t hungover on their big day, but in Eren’s days it mostly only ended in additional private parties that helped absolutely nothing in praxis and mostly ended in two crapulent occasions in a row. Squad Levi has always been an exception; they all knew better than to drop that brick.

Given any other circumstances Eren would have participated tonight. And maybe he’ll join them later when they are still at it. But for now nothing can keep him from coming here. He would long for this place if he doesn’t anyway, even during a party among his friends. 

Armin understands. He’s only rolled his eyes when Eren has excused himself earlier and told him to just go before they’d have to suffer under his sulking all evening long, a comment which Eren has revenged with a thorough scowl that ended in a shared laugh.

They’ve been spending the whole day together, Eren helping Armin with preparations and another afternoon walk afterwards and they will see each other tomorrow again too. So there’s no reason for him why he shouldn’t be here instead. He’s never liked parties much anyway.

Also, Levi doesn’t like bookkeeping. He shouldn’t have to endure it alone.

This night there’s no paperwork for Eren to work on. Not only has he already finished everything on his table on Thursday but of course Hanji hasn’t given him any since then. Not to mention that if she’d find out that he worked tonight he’d never hear the end of it. 

And of course Levi knows about their deal as well.

“And what will you be doing all evening long?”

“I brought a book.” 

Levi’s only response is a raised eyebrow and a stare that openly says ‘do whatever you want’.

Accepting a plate of crumbly chocolate cake Eren grins before he moves over to his seat and he doesn’t know why but for the first time he truly is grateful for Hanji’s work instructions. Maybe it’s the fishing trip that’s helped with the realisation, but the awkward tension that has been occupying his shoulders for longer than he can remember seems to be fading gradually. 

Then again maybe it’s just him, he thinks as a cup of tea is put in front of him without any comment and he watches the steam rising out of it in a lazy plume that even more lazily dissolves in the air with a flowery scent. He’s feeling better than he has since he can remember, feels more relaxed and his head is clearer as well. He hasn’t felt this way for too long. 

Never really. Not since his childhood anyway. 

There’s always been something. A war. The war changing. More war. Being restless afterwards for too long. 

He’s never felt this at ease. And even though there’s still a long way to go, at least he’s not running away anymore. Because, finally, he’s found his home.

Not HQ. Not his own place, filled with nothing that matters much, except for a drawing of a bird in his kitchen and rooms that feel strangely cold and vacant in comparison to where he goes back to every day. 

It’s not really this  _ place _ either. It’s all of it. It’s Levi. It’s his café down here and his apartment up the stairs. His little oasis of calmness and comfort with all its flavours, Levi’s voice and presence, these grey eyes Eren can’t turn his gaze away from. It’s just nice. Good. 

Right.

He digs his fork into the cake as a question flashes through his mind. Why does Levi feed him with cake every evening? He knows they will have dinner together later anyway. 

On the other hand, feeding him is what Levi does and what he always has done. Even back in the Survey Corps days he’s made sure that Eren would have enough to eat; more than the other soldiers in fact because of his demanding Titan metabolism and the straining experiments with Hanji which always took a toll on him.  

He remembers too well when he fainted in the middle of a drill because he’d skipped lunch and the lectures he’s gotten for it that day. First from a calm Levi, then from an agitated Hanji, and then from a worried Mikasa and Armin later that day as well, accompanied by a snappy remark from Jean if Eren would really want to not only kill himself in ‘all this fucking shit’ but everybody else as well because they’d always have to look after him like he was a brainless child. Looking back he can grin at the memory. Back then he’d been furious and ashamed.

He smiles even more when the first piece of cake seems to melt on his palate and hums contentedly at the flavour. It’s delicious. And he finishes the cake all up to the last savoury crumb until all that’s left from it is the happy sensation in his stomach.

As every Monday Levi begins with closing the café one hour early without joining Eren at the table while Eren moves into the staff department to clean up his own dishes again. 

They head upstairs and after their usual weekday dinner of bread and cheese Levi starts with his numbers while Eren settles down in the corduroy seat to read his book. 

This chair, he has to admit, is very nice too. No wonder Jean likes to sit in the ones downstairs when he draws in the café. It’s not quite the same as the leather armchair, of course, but it’s comfy in a whole different way. It feels more like being steadied instead of receiving a soothing embrace. And it smells like Levi too, only stronger because there’s no characteristic scent like the leather mingling with it. 

Snuggled into his new favourite chair Eren reads, accompanied by the rustling of paper and the sound of a pen scribbling notes. By Levi shifting on his chair. By the occasional sound of a cup being lifted and placed down again and the lively flicker of the flames to his right. And before he knows it he is drifting away into a sleep filled with warmth. 

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“Eren.” 

Looking up from his chair Eren glances up into a pair of grey eyes. Close. 

They are so close and Eren has to swallow before he can answer. 

“What?” he asks, his voice surprisingly steady.  

“It’s snowing.”

“Mm?”

“Snow,” Levi elaborates. “Want to go outside?”

Levi loves winter, Eren thinks. He loves the snow and how it swallows the sounds of the rush of the world until everything seems hushed and quiet. Of course he’d want to look at it.

“Are you finished with the bookkeeping?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.

“Yes.”

Eren nods. “Okay. Let’s go then.”

They gather their jackets and cloaks and as they step out of the café with the familiar tinkle of the bell Eren can see it already must have been snowing for a while now. A thin blanket of white covers everything so neatly as if someone had taken a big sieve and sprinkled the world with powdery sugar like cake. 

It’s beautiful. And he smiles.

They begin to walk through the streets, two silent figures in green, minds in harmony but each drifting away in an own trail of thoughts. 

They walk and walk until the café is far behind them and they reach the outskirts of the town where the farmer’s fields begin to stretch all the way up to the horizon. It’s all white now as well. 

“It looks so different this way, doesn’t it?” Levi asks and Eren looks. 

Yes, he truly does. Star-shaped, white snowflakes are gently resting on his hair and are about to melt into sparkling drops of water. His cheeks are pink with cold and his lips are red and wet from numerous attempts to warm them between his teeth. And all Eren can do is stop and stare.

He is stupid. So utterly, fucking stupid. He knows he is. But his heart is beating so fast and everything inside of him screams to fucking do something, so he takes that step and looks at these tasty lips. 

Levi has gone quiet and still and when Eren looks into his eyes, they look back. To his surprise they are warm and shining and inviting and Eren knows that all he has to do is bend down and take what he wants.

“Eren.” 

A whisper so close that he can feel the enticing warmth of Levi’s breath fanning over his skin, their lips nearly touching. 

“Eren.” 

Louder now, almost a question. 

There’s a hand on his upper arm and the scent of Levi is everywhere, surrounding him and also coming from a source very close to him and startlingly far away as well.

And just like that the landscape and the snow are gone and he is back in front of a fireplace and in a very comfortable chair. 

“Eren.”

He opens his eyes and blinks at the man standing in front of him, squeezing his arm. And in his sleep-hazy mind all Eren can think of is that it is  _ his _ man. 

His Levi. 

Then he snaps awake and jerks up in the seat.  “Oh, shit…I mean…I’m sorry. I fell asleep.”

“I saw.” A smile tugs at the corners of Levi’s mouth and Eren has to look somewhere else. “The question I had was why are you doing it in my chair?”

Glad for the distraction Eren looks down at the object in question and nods, hoping the approving movement will bring his mind back onto the right track. 

“The leather one is yours as well,” he explains.

“Fair point. Would you mind moving your lazy arse over there for a game of chess?”

“Yes, actually,” he manages. “I would. I like it in here.” 

“Tch. As you wish.”

Levi sits down in his most favourite chair with a smirk and Eren stretches his back and arms to push the last traces of the dream he just had out of his head and back into nothing where they belong. It’s bad enough to have this kind of fantasies at night in his own bed, but here it is definitely the wrong place to indulge in them. 

Levi props the chessboard up on the coffee table and Eren opens the wooden box with the pieces so they can begin setting them up. As if the chairs would determine which side is set up by whom Eren eagerly reaches for the black pieces, earning himself another grin from Levi. 

“You’re in a rebellious mood today.”

“A free Monday does that to you, I suppose.”

“So it seems. What have you been doing with your free time?”

“Helping Armin.”

“Isn’t that working?”

“No,” he insists, aware of the fact that he’s being stubborn. “It’s helping. That’s why it’s called ‘help’ and not ‘work’.”

Levi snorts.

Finally arrived back in reality to the full Eren remembers how he ended up in this chair to begin with and that it’s unusual for them to have a game of Monday chess, but even more so to have two in a row. “How late is it?”

“Not too late.”

“The numbers were good to you, then?”

“They were. I made fresh tea if you want some.”

Tea sounds fantastic. He’ll need it. “Yes, please.”

While Levi fills him a cup Eren takes two pawns and hides them in his hands. 

“Left or right?”


	13. An Oak Leaf

Tuesday comes and with it—in a mocking way of cruel fate or whatever evil forces are out there—the snow.

Confronted with that realisation the teenagers are buzzing with excitement during breakfast and Eren knows, discipline or not, the weather outside is much more attractive than the planned lecture on weaponry and maintenance inside. So he doesn’t even try.

He tells them to gather their gear and meet him outside on the training grounds, deciding it is time for another drill in the woods. There are lots of snowflakes for them to run in and look at and to revel in.

And for him too, obviously.

He’s stayed long at Levi’s yesterday again, long enough that he nearly went back to sleep right in that chair until Levi kicked him out, telling him they were both too fucking old to sleep in chairs and that Eren had a bunch of Trainees to teach in the early morning—a task that would be better to do without a headache and a stiff neck.

Rolling his eyes Eren wanted to retort that Levi surely was the one to talk about sleeping in chairs, but he let it slide, emptied his cup of tea, and went home.

It hasn’t snowed then.

But yes, now it does. And very much so too. The flakes are thick and heavy and settle on the ground with no noise at all until by noon everything is covered under a muffling veil of white and all Eren can hear is his own breath and their movements as they rustle over the forest floor. It’s good to be back to a usual workday again, though. He supposes he needs the exercise just as much as the kids today. Everything that keeps him distracted from that dream.

His armour is crackling. And he can’t let it. Won’t.

They fly through the woods in blurry movements of green and Eren is glad to notice the Trainees are making progress. With no animals in sight to distract him today Harold is doing a stunning job too and Eren desperately wishes for one more week without injuries.

By lunchtime they’re all warm and glowing despite the cold temperatures outside and Eren shoos them into the mess hall, where he himself sits down next to his friends with his generous portion of comforting stew.

As opposed to breakfast lunch passes with a lot of chatter; most of them were exceptionally quiet and sensitive to noise in the morning. Apparently the celebrations have gone well and by now they’re all lively again. Eren can already see the anticipating sparkle in Armin’s eyes that tells him more than he needs to know about his friend’s state of mind. He misses it, Eren realises. And he’s happy for him.

Even though he’s known it all along, the fact that Armin will leave again tomorrow suddenly hits him hard and he wishes for a bit more time. Just a bit more. But he also knows where he will spend his evening. And it’s not at HQ.

He sighs into his bowl and Armin shoots him an understanding smile across the table.

“How was the celebration?” Eren asks, finding a smile of his own.

“Don’t mention any of it,” Jean growls. He’s still looking a bit pale.

Mikasa pats his shoulder. “Guess who’s been throwing up at training today.”

Sasha laughs and Jean scowls, a trace of pink dusting his cheeks. “Oh, shut up. All of you.”

“It was good,” Armin grins. “Interesting.”

Eren grins back and this time it’s genuine.

“How was dinner?” Armin winks.

“Good,” he growls. He really doesn’t want to talk about that he decides and frowns at Jean who is sitting astonishingly close to Mikasa today and Eren decides he definitely does not want to talk about that either. About any of it. He’s so glad he’s been at Levi’s yesterday. As happy as he is for them, he doesn’t wish to be in the middle of their…whatever happened to start yesterday.

“So, leaving with snow, huh?” he asks, seizing the first topic of conversation that pops up in his head and wants to mentally slap himself for it.

“It’s great, isn’t it?” Armin beams.

“All settled for tomorrow?” Connie asks.

“Yes. All we have to do is wake up and leave.”

“Good.”

“At what time will you set out?” Sasha asks, rubbing her hand where Mikasa has slapped it away from her bread.

“With dawn,” Armin answers and Eren is glad it’s not too early.

They can have a proper goodbye then.

The rest of the day passes with more exercises outdoors. The snow is still falling, even though not quite as heavy anymore as in the morning, and Eren isn’t surprised when with the last drill being over the Trainees only go into HQ to drop off their gear and hurry back outside to begin to pelt each other with snowballs with boisterous cheering and screaming.

By law they’re adults. By their files they’re Scouts. But they’re still thirteen year old, enthusiastic teenagers too.

Mia, Rita, and Harold walk a bit aside and start to build a small snow animal and when Eren passes it on his way to Levi’s later he has to grin warmly when he sees it somehow looks like Selma. It even has feet made of branches.

He’s still grinning when he steps into the café, his mind set on the determination that he won’t let his armour crack any more than it already has.

He’s still determined when he is standing in the tiny kitchen in the staff department, listening to the familiar movements of Levi’s closing routine and washing his own share of dishes, along Levi’s cup.

Today’s cake and tea are resting in his stomach, warming him, and he nearly doesn’t feel the scalding heat of the dishwater as it runs over his skin and the china in his hands. It’s nice china, he notices as nearly every evening. It’s white and simple and unadorned, but classy. It fits in here and the thought makes him smile.

Levi appears in the doorway and slips out of his apron. “Finished?”

“Yes,” Eren says, towelling dry the plate.

He turns around to put it back where it belongs and hangs the towel onto its provided hook and stops utterly dead in his thoughts as he senses a movement in his back and suddenly feels something move through his hair. It’s fingers. Cool, careful fingers and they are pulling at his strands over his neck, causing a rush of pleasant shivers to run down his spine, making his heart race, his stomach drop, and he feels like the room is out of air.

He whips around, his right hand shooting up to the back of his head in protection, just in time to see Levi’s hand in midair.

“Leaf,” he explains simply.

And yes, now Eren can see it himself, caught between Levi’s index finger and thumb.

Oak, his brain supplies rather unhelpfully.

“Oh,” he manages.

“Did you run through the woods today by any chance?”

“Um…yeah,” he starts and presses forward. “The kids were full with energy this morning when they…uh…saw the snow and I wouldn’t have been able to keep them concentrated on theory stuff. So…you know, I thought the sooner they learn to loathe the cold wetness of it all, for this season at least, the sooner I can get them interested in that other stuff again with the learning part in the warmth inside?”

He is rambling. He knows he is.

But Levi doesn’t seem to mind. He nods. “Did they like it?”

“Yes.” Eren nods too and orders his heart to calm down again. It does and he’s grateful. He’s back on safe grounds. “Yes, they did.”

“Hm. Dinner?”

Something in his still adrenaline pumped body makes Eren’s sharpened senses listen up. 

It's barely there but there is a hesitation in that familiar question. A faint ambivalence as if the expected answer would be ‘no’ and he wonders if he’s always missed it or if it’s only there tonight.

He has always thought it was a casual question, as if being asked ‘shall we?’ or ‘the weather sure is nice today, isn’t it?’. It only dawns on him now that it maybe isn’t casual at all. And that it probably never has been.

Frowning he thinks back. When has he ever given away the feeling that he eventually would decline? Or that he didn’t want to be here? He can’t recall. However, he also can’t recall initiating the actual dinner part either even once.

He thinks about Mikasa’s daily question at lunch and startles. She hasn’t asked him today. She hasn’t asked him yesterday either.

Because the day before yesterday, he realises, they talked.

Has he let Levi hang in the air for the whole past year? Levi isn’t the one to just assume things or to make others do something they might not be alright with. So he asks when he’s uncertain. Even if that means asking every single night if dinner is an option.

It would explain the cake too.

Eren cringes inwardly. Has he really been such a self-absorbed idiot all this time?

“Yes,” he answers, to both Levi’s question and his own, silent one. And now that he knows what to look for he catches the short flicker of softening in Levi’s eyes.

He truly has been such a fucking idiot. He has to fix this. “Always,” he adds. And because he really, really needs the message to come home he holds Levi’s slightly frowning gaze. “You don’t have to ask. I like this.”

“Okay,” comes eventually.

“Don’t feel obligated to it, either,” he continues. “Just…tell me when I’m a plague and I’ll leave, alright? I don’t want to impose on you.”

Levi nods, just barely smiling at the oak leaf that’s still rotating slowly between his fingers. “Okay.”

“Good.”

They fall silent in the tiny kitchen, and Eren feels the tension in his shoulders again. He only hopes he did the right thing here, because if Levi really has been thinking he’d rather be everywhere else for dinner but here, what else has he been thinking?

Stop, he tells himself, just stop. Go through this evening and the evening after that and the evening after that and figure it out one step at a time.

He always rushes forward with the force of a bull and he needs to fucking stop doing so and look at his surroundings before he misses even more important things.

He inhales deeply. Sighs.

“Tea?” Levi asks, eyebrow lifted.

Eren chuckles. “Yeah, actually. Tea would be great.”

“Then come. The corduroy chair is off limits though today.”

We’ll see, Eren thinks, grinning. And follows him upstairs.


	14. A Corduroy Chair

The morning air is biting cold when Eren stands outside HQ and watches the Exploration Squads in their final preparations before their leave. 

It’s that familiar hustle and bustle in the air, but as opposed to his early days the mingling anticipation is more of a happy kind than an anxious one. 

Mikasa stands next to him, as does Jean, while Connie and Sasha talk to their leaving friends and to a few horses they’ll miss as soon as the procession will be out of sight. But they’re both grinning widely and Eren is looking forward to working with them. 

The first trace of dawn is already greying the black of the night sky when everybody is ready to go and the final goodbyes start. Armin comes over with skipping steps, punches Jean’s arm with a grin and then hugs Mikasa and Eren tight before Sasha pulls him into a group hug with Connie. 

“Take care, guys,” he says, grins at Eren one more time and then they are gone. 

It feels odd with them being away. It’s strangely quiet on the grounds without the people that have been occupying it for the last ten days. But they all know the new recruits will arrive tomorrow and with them it’s definitely going to become noisy soon. 

“Hello my favourite Instructor trio.” Hanji greets them from her chair as Connie, Sasha, and Eren stand in her office later that day. “Tomorrow is the big day and I am looking forward to working with you.”

They grin. 

“Since Eren already has practice with training first years I am handing him over this task for the next term as well, but not completely. You will do the theory with them, Eren, and some of the gear and resilience drills, which you will continue to do so with your current Corps.” 

He nods. “Alright.”

“Sasha, you and Connie will share teaching them about Survival skills, handling the horses, cartography, and also some of the gear drills.”

“Yes,” they say. 

“I want you to talk to each other about the progress and work together where you can. Since I don’t know who and how many will come tomorrow I don’t have any numbers or names yet, but I will provide you with everything you need as soon as I can, maybe in the course of the day, maybe not until Friday morning. 

“Introduction round will be on Friday when everyone has settled in, training starts on Monday.” She smiles. “I’ve got a good feeling about this. Make it a great year, yes?” 

They agree as she dismisses them with another beam. As far as Eren can say for himself he’s confident that this is the best solution for all of them, and he is glad that he doesn’t have to say goodbye to Harold, Rita, and Mia just yet and can continue teaching them. They’ve already asked him if he will leave them with the next term.

They indeed are happy when he starts his next training lesson and can tell them that they won’t have to part, not completely at least, and they are beaming at the news of Connie and Sasha. 

Since there is still an impressive amount of excitement about the snow, Eren opts for another set of drills in the woods and by the time evening approaches they finally are becoming a bit tired. 

When he asks Levi later that day if they’d been that exhausting too, Levi blinks at him over his cup of café closing tea and bursts into full-throated laughter.

“What?” Eren asks. 

And Levi laughs again. 

The sleeves of his shirts are rolled up again, his top button is undone and Eren can’t stop looking. Levi is beautiful when he laughs and Eren—even though he can't shake the feeling that this somehow is completely on his expense—certainly won’t be the one to break his amusement.

Something has shifted between them since yesterday. Something he can’t really put a finger on but it is there. It is there in Levi’s open laughter and in the way he seems to be just a bit more relaxed.

And Eren is painfully aware of how he himself is dropping his guards more and more. He can’t help but opening up and even though he knows it’s him who will be hurt in the end, it’s just too good to stop.

So much for being careful, supplies a voice in his head that sounds like a strange mixture of Armin’s and Mikasa’s.

They take their time tonight before they head up to Levi’s place and this time Levi doesn’t ask. He simply carries their dishes into the staff department, hands the clean and dripping china to Eren to towel them dry, and then they leave. 

And upstairs their own, small revolution continues. 

“Your turn to decide on the tea, mine to make dinner,” Levi says as soon as they step into the kitchen, Eren’s coat on a hook on the entrance door, his boots next to Levi’s shoes on a rack close-by. “Tomorrow it will be the other way around.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Levi explains. “If this is what we will do from now on, it is only fair, don’t you think?”

“True.”

“Hm.”

“So, if I were about to choose a tea you don’t like…”

“Highly unlikely in my kitchen. With my tea.”

“…you’d have to drink it?”

“Yes.”

“And you would.”

“Yes.”

“Interesting.”

Levi lifts an eyebrow and starts to look through the pantry for bread and cheese.

“So that would go for my cooking tomorrow too? Because I’m not that good,” Eren mumbles, looking at the buildup of tea cans and trying to decide on what he would like to drink today. Up until now Levi has mostly done the cooking and tea choosing part and Eren has merely assisted. 

“It’s not too bad either.”

Eren smiles. 

“How is everybody at the headquarter, now that Armin is gone?” Levi asks with a rustling of goods from the storeroom.

“Good. Connie and Sasha are looking forward to training and Jean and Mikasa are together.”

The rummaging sounds stop and Levi emerges with a loaf of bread and various cheeses and something that looks like a decisively neutral expression. “When did that happen?”

“Two nights ago, apparently. They’re all very secretive about it.”

“Hm. How do you feel about it?” Levi asks after a short pause in which he started to cut slices off the bread and even produced a small jar with butter.

“It’s okay.” Eren shrugs, still looking up and down the collection of tin cans. “It’s weird it took them so long, now that I think about it. But it’s good. It fits.”

He means it. It’s taken him a day to come to terms with it, but he’s realised he is actually happy for them. They don’t show their relationship status too openly. Unlike Connie and Sasha they don’t walk arm in arm in their free time, but by the way they look at each other at breakfast and lunch it doesn’t matter. 

“Hm.”

Eren has finally decided on the Oolong. It seems like the perfect day for it. The rectangular tin can with the dent on one side and its faded golden letters that once spelled ‘Afternoon Blend’ weighs heavy in his hands as though it’s just recently been refilled and when he opens it, it indeed is filled all the way to the top and the leaves look fresh and pretty. 

He fills the needed amount into the tea sieve and heats a kettle with water while Levi, finished with making the bread, already carries everything to the table. He gives a brief, approving hum when he sees the tea choice of the night and Eren smiles again. 

They sit down and eat in silence until they are finished and it is time to move over to the fireplace. 

“You do know, I actually like this chair, don’t you?” Eren asks as he plops down in the corduroy seat next to the freshly lit flames and earns another raised eyebrow. 

“Is that so.” Levi says. “Why?”

Because it smells like you. Because it makes me dream about you. Because I know you prefer your leather chair and this doesn’t feel like a compromise but like a perfect fit. Because I love you.

“Because,” Eren answers. “It likes my arse.”

“Does it.”

“Yeah. It just told me so. See?” He leans forward and makes the fabric creak. 

Levi snorts.

Eren grins and takes the two differently coloured pawns. “The real question here is: Why do you like yours?”

Of course he already knows the answer. Because it’s comfortable. Because it smells like leather and nature and a day out under the open sky. Because it’s hugging him from behind and makes him feel safe and protected. Because it was a gift from Hanji and probably the only gift—especially one this generous—he’ll ever accept. 

Levi just looks at him for a moment. His eyes are warm again in the firelight and shine like liquid. “Because it likes my arse.”

Eren chuckles. “That’s what I thought.”

“Oh, shut up. Left.”

Eren opens his fist with a white pawn in it and places the pieces back onto the board to let Levi make his first move.

“How’s Selma the Bird?”

“She’s fine. We renewed the tape today. As it seems she will be ready to fly by the end of next week.”

“Hm. How’s Harold feeling about that?”

“He’s looking forward to it, actually. He says she needs her freedom. He’s even bringing her leaves so she has a part of the forest with her.” Eren moves one of his pawns and snuggles back into his chair. 

Levi smiles. “Selma is a lucky girl.”

“I guess she is.”

A few hours later Eren is beaten and reluctantly moves out of the seat. It’s hard to beat Levi at chess even on a good day, but these days his mind is too distracted to focus on strategies on the board. Considering the circumstances though, he has to admit to have done surprisingly well. 

He slips back into his coat and shoes and as every night Levi accompanies him down to the café door to lock up behind him. 

The bell tinkles as the door opens to let in a blow of snowflakes and icy wind that makes the hairs in Eren’s neck prickle in contrast to the prior cosiness they’ve brought downstairs. The world is completely mute under the floating snow and so still that it seems that Levi and he are the only two people awake. 

Before he has the time to change his mind Eren treads out of the café and out into the road, leaving behind the prints of his boots as his steps crunch in the frosty snow under his feet.

He turns around to say goodnight, but the words seem to have lost their meaning and his voice leaves him in a puff of breathless air. 

Tiny flakes of snow rest on Levi’s ebony black hair and the pale white of the night mirrors beautifully in his eyes as he wilfully fills his lungs with the clean, fresh air and something warm begins to rise in Eren’s stomach until it feels like it will spill over any moment now. Levi really loves winter. 

And Eren begins to do so too. 

“So,” he says as soon as he’s found his voice again. His words are oddly loud in the otherwise so quiet and empty street. “Until tomorrow then.” 

“Yes,” Levi says and looks up at him. “Until tomorrow.”

Eren nods and is just about to turn as Levi speaks again and makes him stop. 

“Thank you. It’s been nice. I like it too.”

Eren stares back. He knows what Levi is referring to and that he is only returning his own gesture from yesterday of being honest and actually saying out loud that these meetings are what they do now.  And yet there’s a brightness in his eyes and what Eren sees in it makes his stomach flip over with memories and a longing so fierce that he knows he has to leave. 

Now. 

“Good,” he says. “Goodnight, Levi.”

“Goodnight, Eren.”

All the way back to his flat Eren replays this evening over and over in his head.

He has to think about this. Really, really think about this. 


	15. Conifers

“Sasha, I think I need your help,” Eren says at breakfast.

“That sounds serious.” She stuffs a spoonful of porridge into her mouth and smiles. “What is it?”

“I need to learn how to cook,” he admits.

“You know how to cook,” Jean huffs. “We all do.”

Eren scowls at him. “Yes, but I don’t know how to do it properly.”

Jean rolls his eyes. “Oh, here we go,” he mumbles.

Ignoring him Eren turns back to Sasha. “Do you think you can help me with that? I know that I’m already in your debt but–”

“Only that you’re not,” she interrupts him with a smile. “I am here, am I not? _We_ are here. And sure. What do you want to know?”

“Everything you can tell me.”

“That might take a while.”

Eren shrugs. “I’m okay with that.”

She nods. “Sure.”

“Thank you.”

She beams, her eyes sparkling wickedly. “That wouldn’t have anything to do with dinner, would it?”

“Perhaps,” he admits, staring at his food and can feel the treacherous heat creeping up his neck.

“What are you planning on doing with your Trainees today?” she asks.

He glances over at the table where they sit at, chatty and loud and refilled with endless energy he doesn’t know where they get it from. “Gear drills again, as it seems,” he sighs.

“Make it a lunch in the woods where we had that squirrel lecture,” she says. “Bring a kettle.”

Sasha smiles so warmly that he nearly feels ashamed for being such a bad friend. He is never around, only when he needs something, and yet here she is. Offering her help yet again and even knowing him well enough to know he’d want to start as soon as possible.

“You're a life-savor, Sasha.”

“Don’t mention it.”

He remembers his talk with Levi. “One thing though? Whatever you plan on cooking, please don’t make it rabbit. At least not today.”

“Good point,” she says seriously, looking over at Harold. “Don’t worry. I know just the thing.”

They meet at noon. The wood is still white with snow, even though by now it has stopped falling and the world is bright under a clear sky.

Sasha keeps her promise and joins them, packed with food and followed by a grinning Connie.

After their drills Eren has ordered the Trainees to light a fire and now they gather around it while Sasha tells them what to do with just enough explanations for Eren to understand and remember without swamping the teenagers in them.

She makes them peel and cut onions and garlic and potatoes and bacon and reminds them that they can use the snow for water supplies.

“That can be useful,” she adds. “Sometimes you don't know when you will come across a pond or river, so it's always good to know how to help yourselves.”

“A friend of mine told me the ocean is so salty that you can't drink it,” Derek says. “Is that true, Sash- oh, sorry, Instructor Sasha?”

Eren smiles and so does Sasha.

“Yes,” she answers. “Believe me, I tried. It wasn't nice.”

Her confession is answered by a few giggles and they continue with the lesson. Soon there's nothing left to do than watching the caldron do its work and calm chattering fills the forest while Connie and Sasha join Eren on a long log

“Hm, firs,” Sasha sighs and inhales deeply as stretches out her feet and looks up at the treetops surrounding them. “Do you smell that, Con? They’re really something, aren't they?”

Connie smiles at her and takes her hand in his and even though Eren isn't envious his thoughts trail off to Levi again and to last night.

He’s been turning it over and over again in his head and just wishes for someone to tell him if he is imagining too much and to advise him what to do because when it comes to this his reason is gone. He wishes Armin would be here with his sharp mind and honesty, wishes Jean would tell him to just get it the fuck over with in whichever way, wishes for Mikasa to tell him a simple, firm yes or no, but he knows it's not as easy as that.

This is his choice to make. His alone. And he hears their answers in his head anyway, all of what they would or could say, sees their faces and maybe it isn't really necessary to talk with them after all.

Sasha laughs about something Connie has said and Eren snaps out of his reverie. This is not the right moment to ponder about this. He’s got a class to teach.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“Hello Eren,” Hanji greets him with a smile from the Sparrow’s counter, her evening coffee in front of her and her eyes, enlarged by her thick glasses, looking tired. “How was your day?”

“It was good, thank you. How is it going with the new recruits?”

“Good so far. Admissions are still open until nine, I'm only here to make myself awake again.”

“You know what helps with that, don't you, four eyes? It's called ‘sleep’. In your case plenty of it.”

“Look who’s talking,” she retorts.

Levi scowls and puts a cup of tea onto the counter next to her coffee. “Here.”

“Thanks,” Eren says, slipping out of his cloak with a smile. He already knows it's the Gunpowder again.

“Cake?”

He looks up. That's a new question. And for a moment he has no idea what to do with it.

Hanji's gaze flickers between them and she sighs theatrically. “Yes, pear please. It looks divine. And Eren will sit down with me and have a piece too.”

“Tch.”

“Alright.”

“I heard Sasha and Connie went into the woods with you today, Eren,” Hanji says, her voice chirping. “You were all out at lunch. Survival training?”

Eren stares at her smug grin. It's obvious she knows everything again. Has Levi told her something? Going by Levi’s small, ponderous frown he hasn't. And it’s not like he knows about Eren’s cooking lessons.

Sasha.

Eren sighs inwardly and just hopes his ears were already red from the cold when he stepped inside. “Yes.”

“Hm,” she muses. “Nice of her. Thanks.” She accepts her share of cake from Levi and wolfs it down in record speed.

Levi clicks his tongue. “You really don't have any patience, do you?”

“Nope.” She’s already finished, gulps down her coffee—it's still steaming, how does she do that?—and slips into her coat. “Have a lovely evening, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't.”

And gone she is.

Levi frowns. “She's hiding something.”

Eren, still busy with his first bite of pear cake with caramelised sugar sprinkles, nods hesitantly. “That's what I thought.” He swallows. “Thank you for the cake.”

“Hm,” Levi hums and suddenly Eren notices the silence around them. They are alone. Alone as in: just the two of them.

Despite the inviting weather and the early hour the café is empty and his idiotic heart speeds up again in foolish anticipation. He really needs to figure out how to stop it from doing so.

“Had a good time in the woods today?” Levi asks, looking into his cup of tea.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Yeah,” Eren repeats.

“Hm.”

Silence.

Quite unnecessarily but desperate for a distraction Eren looks around. “Quiet day?”

“Yes.”

“Was it good?”

“Not bad.

“Hm.”

This is silly. This is just another evening and just another conversation, even though Eren has absolutely no clue how it became this awkward.

He clears his throat and goes with the first thing that comes out of it. “Do you keep with your statement that you will eat whatever I cook today?”

Levi meets his gaze, obviously biting back a smile. “Last time I checked this was a workday. You'll make bread. With cheese. Out of my pantry. How dangerous can it be?”

Eren shrugs. “I don't know.”

“It will be fine. You know I'm not picky.”

True as that might be, it was not Eren's point. But alright. Levi is right. It’s his pantry.

 _His_.

“I should pay you for the food,” Eren bursts out loud.

Levi frowns. “You do every evening.”

“No, I mean for my share of dinner,” Eren explains, feeling the blush spread to his face for good now.

They look at each other and probably this is what Armin meant with their ‘weirdly silent way of communication that no one else gets’.

Eren doesn't want to be in debt, but Levi doesn't mind the money part and it is his home, which makes Eren a guest in his eyes and which implies that he should provide the meals by any rules. But Eren is too stubborn and maybe it is also a thing of stupid pride but whatever it is, he won't budge, meaning Levi—who is scowling now—will get his share of money anyhow in one way or the other and may it be in such an absurd way that it doesn't make any sense at all. Levi would accept the money, knowing that Eren needs to do this as much as he himself doesn't want to, and that when it comes to hurt pride Eren would be on the shorter end in this, not to mention that his bullheadedness outweighs Levi’s by lengths.

Levi exhales, nods and shrugs. “We'll make it work.”

Eren gulps. “Thank you.”

“Hm.” Levi tends back to the remains of his tea. “You've got sugar on your lips.”

Startled, Eren's hand shoots up to his mouth to wipe it away. He frowns. There’s nothing there.

And this is when he catches the soundless chuckle from across the counter.

“Haha,” Eren says, heart racing like an idiot again and he just wants to reach over the counter and kiss the irritating bastard. Hard. “Very funny.”

Levi smiles. “Are you finished? I'm hungry.”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

All in all it is an odd evening.

Levi brews them a herbal infusion while Eren prepares their dinner and the proximity in the small kitchen does nothing for Eren's nerves. As doesn't Levi's expression when he decisively takes his first bite of his bread or the buzzing silence afterwards during their game of chess, both of them sitting in their respective favourite armchairs.

Therefore Eren doesn't know if he should be relieved or reluctant when they go down to the café, their unspoken words still hanging heavily between them.

“Until tomorrow then,” he says, striding outside into the streets as determinedly as he can. The air is biting cold again and he welcomes the reality of it.

“Mh. Good luck with the new Trainees.”

“Thank you.”

There’s that silence again and something in it makes Eren examine Levi’s face. It's calm and relaxed and there’s no frown between his eyebrows as he looks back. And for the blink of an eye it's all there. Everything he wishes for, everything he never even dared to hope to see some day, everything laid bare for Eren to read and his whole being wants to cheer and laugh and sing out loud. And still.

And still.

Not yet.

He wants to. Wants it so much that his body aches, screams, is raw with it, urges him on to just go with his instinct, take this leap, but this is what he always does and what always gets him into trouble. They're both tired. It's late. Too late to have a clear head. Too late for him to be absolutely certain he wouldn't regret it, even though it takes everything he’s got to not reach out.

Not. Yet.

Levi nods, eyes warm and patient and god, Eren loves him for understanding.

“Goodnight, Eren.”

“Goodnight, Levi.”

Forcing himself to keep his hands in his pockets he turns around and hurries home, his heart filled with joy, his nerves alight with jubilance and his stomach warming with the anticipation of something new, something precious. Something _beautiful_.

When he steps into his own small kitchen he is still beaming so hard that his face hurts and he is still beaming when he sees the envelope on his table and the short note attached to it.

 

‘I am sorry to drop this on you tonight, but I thought it would be better this way and you would want to know.

Come to see me if you need to. I don't mind the hour.

H.’

 

Beam a bit dampened and not knowing what the hell she could be this serious about at this time of the day he opens the envelope and pulls out a list of names, titled ‘2nd Exploration Trainee Corps’.

He skims through the list, still smiling when he reaches the end, sees it, and he has to sit down as his happiness falls through the floor.

His heart is pounding again, but now it is different, yet all too familiar.

He hears screams in the woods, orders to retreat, then to fight, telling him to flee. He hears the sickening crack, smells blood and rage and desperation that's mingling with resin, forest and conifers, sees her face—so beautiful but broken—, stands next to her empty grave, and his hands begin to shake as he stares down at the paper, hoping sheer willpower would change that one last name at the end of the list.

Anna Ral.

Petra's sister.


	16. Two Glasses

Eren swallows dryly and just for a second, a short, selfish, little second, he wishes he would have followed Armin to undiscovered, new lands after all.

Then he thinks about Levi and knows going away again never was an option. He shakes his head and clenches the paper so tightly that it crumples in his grip. 

Work. He has work to do. In only a few hours he has to be out there and face this.

And to do that he needs some sleep. So sleep, he will. 

He undresses and quickly slips under the protective sheets of his cold bed, feeling lonely, small, and lost. Of all the battles they had, of all the things he’s done and experienced in that war, this is one of the few memories that stick with him most. 

There’s Shingashina. There’s that Survey Mission gone horribly awry in more than one way. And then there’s Annie. The fury he felt that day seethes up in his guts again and his eyes burn in rage about the familiar feeling of being utterly helpless—not only back then but also in hindsight, all these years later. 

Shingashina was simply a nightmare. Both times. That mission was so formative because of its surprise and all its aftermath for himself. Annie, however, he sees as his own, personal failure and he still doesn’t understand why she did it and why they didn’t notice it earlier. Still doesn’t understand why he can forgive her for being misguided but can’t forgive her friends and most of all himself for that mistake.

He wants to go back to Levi. Wants to take that step and feel his warmth, his embrace, and his strength and just listen to his voice and breathe him in. 

Maybe he’s still awake.

But this is his own war and Eren stays and tells himself to sleep. Sooner or later he will. He’s done more improbable things and he will need every bit of rest he can get when tomorrow comes. 

He closes his eyes, takes a shuddering breath, and starts to count. 

 

~*~*~*~*

 

He doesn’t sleep. 

He also doesn’t go to Hanji, even though the temptation is calling out to him and he knows she wouldn’t judge him for showing this weakness. 

And when after a couple of very long hours later he steps into the Sparrow, Levi already awaits him with an observant glance and it’s so fucking good to see him. 

“Hanji told me this morning,” he says instead of a greeting. “Sit down, I’ll bring you the tea and some cake.”

Admittedly, the day itself hasn’t been too bad, considering. But unable to get down any solid breakfast or lunch after his restless night and a whole day of Introduction and talking to demanding Trainees Eren is tired, hungry, and utterly exhausted and senses with a fit of shame that his eyes begin to burn in relief at Levi’s sight and the offer of comforting food.

He fights back the tears. He hasn’t cried all day and he won’t cry in the middle of Levi’s café. He won’t cry full stop. 

“Actually,” Eren says. “I’d rather go right upstairs if that’s alright.” He looks into Levi’s steady eyes and right now it’s all he needs to keep himself pulled together.

Levi nods and hands over his keys, alongside a cake-loaded plate. “Take it with you. You look like you haven’t eaten all day.”

Eren wants to hug him right here and now. Wants to race behind the counter and kiss him, but he holds himself back. 

Not today, he tells himself, not here. Not like this. Not out of a sadness. Not again.

So he simply says “thank you,” and drags himself up the stairs, the plate with a generous piece of rich chocolate cake in his hands.

In Levi’s flat he horks down the sugary food and plops down in his favourite armchair. He breathes in, fills his lungs with Levi and home, and feeling wonderfully safe and warm he closes his eyes.

He’s gone in no time.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“How are the new recruits?” Levi asks. 

They sit at his dining table, just finished with eating after Levi closed the café and woke up Eren from his nap in the chair. He is staring into the tea cup in his hands with a frown, the fingers of his right hand brushing over the cup and there’s a tension in his shoulders that Eren has been feeling himself all day long. 

“Good,” he says and meets Levi’s gaze. “Loud,” he adds with an exhausted sigh.

“You don’t say,” Levi says, smirks shortly at the playful kick aimed at his shin—the bad one this time—, but as soon as it’s been there the amusement is gone again. 

“She looks like her,” Eren answers Levi’s actual question. “Same hair and eyes. The same laugh. Nearly the same voice and temper. It’s like you constantly expect Auruo to show up and start bickering with her.” 

He stares into his own, by now nearly empty, cup of the strong black tea he’s chosen. “She asked about you.”

“I’ll be expecting her soon, then.” 

Levi looks out of the window as they finish their tea. Around noon it has begun to snow again and a multitude of white flakes dance in the blackness of the night. 

Then his eyes meet Eren’s again and the careful note in his voice makes Eren’s stomach twist. “Care for something stronger?”

For a moment all Eren can do is look back, but eventually he finds his voice and a nod. “Yeah, actually.”

Levi stands up and the thought occurs to Eren that maybe, certainly, agreeing to this might have been a bad decision indeed. 

He’s never really reacted well to alcohol, always been a lightweight and a clingy drunk, so he usually avoids it altogether, not seeing the fun in it or the aftermath anyway. But all thoughts of declining after all fall out of his head as he observes Levi who is standing on his tiptoes now, sifting through a cupboard. The sleeves of his white shirt are rolled up again and the dancing flames of the lamps paint his face in warm light, but not strong enough to conceal the darkness of the circles under his eyes or the tension in his shoulders, around his mouth, in his back where his shirt rode up to reveal a strip of pale skin. 

He produces a bottle and two tumblers which he places onto the table, uncorks the bottle with a resonating ‘pop!’ and pours them each a generous amount of alcohol before handing over Eren’s glass with a brush of cool fingers that makes Eren’s heart lurch. 

They stare at each other for a moment and Eren wonders if Levi is thinking about the same thing he is. If he feels the same need of being held. Just held. 

Levi says something.

Eren blinks and realises they both still hold on to the glass and Levi is looking at him expectantly. “Sorry, what?”

“Relax, it's just a drink,” Levi assures softly as he lets go and Eren nods, relieved. 

“Thank you.” He glances down at the amber-coloured liquid that laps invitingly against the walls of the glass in his hand and runs down again in oily curtains.

Levi raises his glass in silence and Eren does the same.

The whisky hits his nose first, smells like woods and smoke, but in a soothing way the Forest of Giant Trees never did or ever will, and then the flavour seems to explode in his mouth in a crush of heat that runs down his chest and settles there warmly, igniting a wave of artificial comfort inside of him. 

It doesn’t last. 

He senses Levi shifting on his chair, probably to ease a fit of cramps or pain, and all he wants to do is to take the physical ache to feel it himself.

“You still think of that day, don’t you,” Levi says, just as Eren wants to blurt out some banality to fill the silence. 

“How could I not,” he says, nearly whispering. 

“We’ve been through this,” Levi says calmly. There’s no accusation is his voice or gaze, only patience. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“It still feels like it,” he admits, hearing his voice crack. 

“I know.”

“It’s everywhere I go. It’s like,” he searches for the right words. “It’s like this wound that won’t heal.”

“Like my leg?”

Eren swallows. Levi has always understood him better than anyone else. “Yes.”

“I can live with my leg. Why can’t you live with yours?”

“Because.”

“You have to learn to forgive yourself for that, Eren. It was only one decision out of many you made that day and we others all made our own. It will never go away. But as opposed to my own injury yours will heal if you allow yourself to let it.”

_ “You only hate yourself these days, Eren,”  _ he hears Armin’s voice in his head.  _ “You should stop with that.” _

This is the core of his problems, Eren realises. The explanation for why he hasn’t let himself look at Levi back then. Why he never saw it coming until it was too late. The reason for his guilt and his flight out of that bedroom that night. The reason for him stomping off to see the ocean he never searched for for his own sake. The source of his denial. Of his pain. It’s been eating him up and he let it. Because it was easier than to accept it and move on and because he wanted to suffer.

He exhales. He really has to stop behaving like a child. 

“How?” he asks.

“By remembering who they were,” Levi says softly and with more patience than Eren thinks he deserves. “Not how they died. It wouldn’t help anyone, neither their memory nor us.”

Eren nods, looking into his glass. “And how do I do that?”

“By remembering the things that counted. Little things mostly. Small gestures and conversations. Eld’s rabbit stew and his terrible jokes. Auruo’s strong tea and his annoying morning whistling. Gunther’s evening knitting and the face he made when he lost a loop. Petra’s Sunday writing.”

Eren smiles and this time it’s warm. “Yeah, Anna mentioned her letters too.”

“How is she?” 

“Strong,” Eren says, grateful for Levi stirring the conversation back to the present and telling him so with a nudge of his leg against his. “She wants to explore the new world.”

Levi nods. “You said she asked about me?”

“Yeah, but she’s more curious and excited than anything else. She asked me a couple of questions about what happened back then and how Petra was. She was so little when it happened that she never really got the chance to know her.”

“She wants to remember.”

“Yeah.”

Deciding it would help and probably be best to get it over with Eren gulps down his drink and grimaces.

“How can you drink this stuff?” 

“I usually don't,” Levi says, his eyes about to smile. “It's Hanji’s stash.”

“Does she know you’re stealing her whisky?” Eren teases, feeling strangely courageous. Apparently the single piece of chocolate cake with two slices of bread and nothing else doesn't save him from getting drunk almost instantly. “And when does she drink it anyway? I’m here every night.”

“I'm not stealing anything,” Levi is grinning now. “She only drinks it. I’m the one buying it. Refill?”

He really shouldn't. But it warms his cold bones and Levi promised nothing would happen. 

Eren glances at the bottle and holds out his glass.


	17. Lit Windows

Eren awakens to the smell of fried bacon and eggs and roasted bread and—most irritatingly—to the scent of Levi all around him.

He shoots up–

And instantly regrets every single life decision he's ever made.

“Fuuuuuck.”

His head is in agony. His mouth tastes absolutely awful, it’s incredibly dry too, and his stomach is clenching worryingly with nausea. He’s felt this way only a handful of times and all were after experiment sessions with Hanji in which she wanted to test his resistance—and with that his reaction—to alcohol. It hadn’t ended too well. His Titan abilities might heal injuries quickly. They can bring him back from being nearly dead within the course of a few minutes. They do not, however, enhance his liver function or cure a headache.

“This is why I don’t drink,” he reminds himself and blinks at his surroundings.

There's a glass of water and a pair of pills on the nightstand—Levi’s nightstand, his brain helpfully hammers in—and he thinks, hopes, that the pills are pain killers as he swallows them and washes them down with a mouthful of the water. The water tastes heavenly and the glass is empty much too soon.

He tries to remember last night and piece together what has happened and what could have happened, but after accepting the second drink there’s only a big space in his head filled with absolute blankness.

He glances down at himself. He’s still wearing his boxers, but that is all he is wearing. This can’t be happening.

Just as he is about to decide between the urge to hide back under the blanket and endure Levi’s scent for the rest of eternity or doing the thing he sooner or later will have to do anyway, which is to get up, the door opens.

“I thought I heard you,” Levi states simply.

Eren stares. It really shouldn't be fair to look like he does after a drinking night.

“There’s breakfast,” Levi continues. “Your clothes are over there on the dresser and there’s a toothbrush for you in the bathroom.”

And then he’s gone again.

Suppressing a wince at the obnoxious throbbing sensation in his head Eren crawls out of the bed and fumbles his way into his neatly folded clothes, leaving out only the harness of straps. He imagines Levi wrapping him out of them and for a second he wants to die.

At least it's a Saturday and he won't have to go to work like this.

Never again, he tells himself, still tasting the whisky on his tongue, and hastes off into the bathroom.

There’s indeed a second toothbrush in a second glass next to Levi’s and given any other circumstances it would make Eren smile. Now he only grabs for it and fiercely brushes his teeth until his mouth bruises and begins to steam under the effort.

He doesn’t shower. But he washes his face, combs his hair and binds it back together until he is at least presentable, if not completely clean, and faces his own, short walk of shame.

Levi is waiting for him at his dining table, reading a newspaper and still looking as fresh as a daisy. His own plate and the one waiting for Eren are filled with food—bacon, eggs, and beans—and he eyes Eren with scrutiny over his read, before he folds his paper to start eating as well.

Eren sits down, inhales, and notices he is ravenous. So much so, that it doesn't even faze him when Levi unsolicitedly refills his plate with a second batch of eggs and bacon.

“What happened yesterday?” he asks as soon as he is sure he can handle the answer.

“You dozed off right in that chair after one and a half drinks and I thought carrying you through the streets and to your own bed would be inconvenient. So, as you might already have put together, I carried you into mine.”

“We slept together?”

“Not tonight, no.”

Eren cringes. This truly can’t be the time for Levi to decide to mention it for the first time ever, can it? On the other hand this is probably as good an opportunity as any other time. And also, he has to admit, he probably did that answer to himself anyway.

Thinking really fucking hurts.

“But where did _you_ sleep?” he asks.

Levi glances over to his armchair and, sure enough, there's a second folded blanket resting on the seat pillow.

“I'm sorry,” Eren mumbles, suddenly feeling very stupid and very sober.

And very grateful. Every other person would probably make fun about him or scold him right now. Or both. Apart from a little well-deserved teasing Levi doesn’t do either, at least not just yet. Hell, he even cooked him a warm, hearty breakfast and let him have his own bed.

“Well, it's not like I never slept in worse places. More toast.” He points at the bread basket and Eren helps himself to two triangles. They are already buttered and he crunches them without further words to strengthen himself for the reprimand that certainly will come.

“Did you know you steam when you're drunk as a skunk?” Levi asks out of the blue. “Must be the Titan blood.”

“What?!” Eren’s head snaps up, makes him wince. “Hanji never told me that.”

“You should see your face.”

He groans. “Aren't you feeling sick at all?”

“No.”

“After how many drinks?”

“Two.”

“And I had nearly two as well?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Not fair,” Eren mumbles and he is sure he hears a muffled chuckle from across the table.

He chews his bread, drinks his tea and wonders shortly about how nice this is, despite his own stupidity and the feeling of queasiness. Luckily enough the pills, the water, the food, or the tea, or maybe a combination of all four, help and by the time Eren helps Levi clean up in the kitchen at least having his eyes open to colours and light doesn’t hurt any more.

“Thank you,” he says, accepting a dripping cup from Levi to wipe it dry with a tea towel. “It was delicious.”

“Of course it was. You had what to your whisky yesterday? Two slices of bread, a piece of chocolate cake and tea?”

Eren smiles sheepishly at the grumbled thanks that's hidden somewhere between these words and nearly misses the rest of it.

“You need to take better care of yourself,” Levi says calmly.

He frowns at the cup in his hands. Apparently that was it with his period of grace. But he deserves it. Levi is right. And it isn't really an excuse that yesterday was an exception anyway. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not about you feeling sorry. I know you do. But if you keep on rushing into things you’ll end up regretting, I can only do as much to help you out of them, Eren.”

“I know.”

“I can’t protect you from hurting yourself by doing the same mistakes over and over again. The only one who can do that is yourself.”

Levi scowls into the dishwater and even through his headache, his nausea, and the blurry thoughts Eren gets the hidden meaning in the words and it makes him sick all over again.

Now. He has to fix this now.

Heart hammering, he clutches the cup and takes a shuddering breath. “Listen…” he gulps and forces himself to hold the eye contact when Levi looks up. “I’m sorry for running away that night.”

Levi goes still. Swallows. Just looks back at him with a frown, his one hand still deep in the soapy, hot water, the other holding out a dripping plate that now slowly sinks down at his side. His shoulders are suddenly tense, his eyes are cautious and the trace of old hurt in them that mirrors his own pushes Eren to say it all.

“It surprised me that it happened. I was stupid and…and I was scared that you would hate me and I didn’t know what else to do. And when you didn’t say anything on the next morning I assumed you thought it was a mistake. So I tried to forget it and went away. I’m sorry for that too. I never wanted to hurt you, even though I guess I did a lot. Mostly I didn’t even know what I was doing myself up until recently.” He takes another breath. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t even expect you to understand. But I thought you deserve to know.”

When he is finished the only sound in the room is the constant ‘drip, drip, drip,’ of the water from the plate and Levi is still looking at him, frowning.

“I don’t hate you, Eren,” he says softly. “I never have.”

“I know,” Eren croaks, his throat still tight with emotion. “Like I said, I was stupid.”

Levi sighs. “I guess we were both a bit stupid. I should have said something.”

Looking at his feet Eren shakes his head. This is more than he deserves. “I would have left anyway.”

“Maybe,” Levi says. “But we could have saved some time instead of running around each other like two headless idiots.”

Eren snorts. And even though his heart is still racing and his thoughts are throbbing in his head the heavy knot deep inside his guts has finally begun to untie itself.

“Thank you,” Levi says and smiles hesitantly, nudging his shoulder against Eren’s arm.

“You’re welcome.” He nudges back and takes the dripping plate.

They continue in silence and it is easy, familiar, and warm.

It’s still early, Eren notices as he regards the dark world outside through the kitchen window. It has stopped snowing again and the world shines in a paling grey that is about to become white. The first houses in the streets glow through their windows like awakening eyes and the chimneys send out their first puffs of smoke.

“Did I really steam?” he asks.

Levi inhales gravely and when he looks at Eren, his smile is almost boyish. “No. You snored though.”

“Shut up, I did not!” Eren gently kicks Levi’s foot but chuckles. “How late is it anyway? Don’t you have to open your café soon?”

“Not for another half hour,” he says and empties the sink before wiping it dry. “Will you be alright today?”

“Yes.”

“Good. You should go and see Hanji then. She was worried and will probably be shitting her pants if she doesn’t see to you today to fuss over you.”

Eren smiles. “I will.”

“Hm.”

As things turn out, Eren doesn’t have to go and visit Hanji since she is already waiting downstairs for her fix of morning caffeine when he and Levi step down the stairs into the café. Her eyes spot Eren and the mixture of emotions on her face is outstanding.

Levi sighs and unlocks the door for her. “Come in, four eyes, and close that mouth before the flies call it their home. Eren. Tea?”

“Yes, please.” Because yes, apparently he won’t leave just yet.

Hanji sits down in silence, taps the fingers of her right hand on the counter and as soon as she has her cup of coffee and Levi and Eren are sipping their tea, it seems to burst out of her. “Are you–”

“No,” they answer in unison.

Hanji and Eren grin.

Levi scowls. “Look at you two. Having a big crisis yesterday and it is all forgotten over some stupid stuff. So much for the leaders of our Military Division.”

“ _Our_ Military Division,” Hanji corrects him with a cackle. “Not yours anymore.”

“And thank fuck for that.”

“So,” Hanji beams. “What happened tonight?”

As an answer Eren drinks his tea. Just because he’s decided to not behave like a child any longer it doesn’t mean he will step into _this_ discussion. He can only lose. Hence he props himself up on his chair and observes them with increasing amusement and awe.

“We slept,” Levi says flatly.

“In one bed?”

“None of your nosy business.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“This café has been existing for about eighteen months now. You were here when it opened.”

“You know what I mean.”

“You didn’t elaborate.”

She grins. “Is this the first time you came down the stairs together in the morning?”

“Define ‘morning’.”

Hanji squints her eyes. “So it is the first time. Interesting. Any morning…contact?”

“Don’t you have a job to do?”

“Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need my coffee to do it. Also, I was looking for Eren and he wasn’t at his place.”

“So you just figured you could look for him in my bed. By waiting down here, freezing your bony arse off in the cold.” He glowers at her and drinks his tea. “Reasonable.”

She grins. “How are you, Eren?”

Eren sighs. He at least has to react to this one. “I’m alright, Hanji. Thank you.” She doesn’t have to know about his awkward hangover.

“I see.” She smiles and it is soft now. “I’m glad. How’s Anna?”

“She’s alright. Gave me an honest fright though for a second,” he admits. “Thanks for the heads-up.”

“Of course. Will it be alright?”

“Yes.” He looks at her in reassurance and she nods.

“Good.”

And as Eren has seen her do so many times before she gulps down her hot drink in one go, wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and rushes out of the café and into the streets.

Levi exhales and looks at her departing figure. “She’ll always be nosy.”

It takes Eren a moment to get what he means exactly, but then he catches Levi’s slightly worried frown and he nods with a shrug. “I’m okay with that.”

Levi looks back and him and smiles. “Okay.”


	18. A Key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a great Sunday, guys. <3

After yesterday’s hangover breakfast Eren’s own, usually so savoury weekend routine of tea and toast with butter and honey seems oddly scarce. 

Nevertheless he indulges in its rich sweetness, his mind recapitulating the memories from the night before, which has been an interesting experience. Their prior morning talk and Eren’s apology had eased the way for a lot of promising anticipation and knowing looks which, ultimately, ended in nothing much happening than himself going home, desperately turned on, and asking himself why the fuck he is doing this to himself.

While he takes care of the remains of his breakfast his gaze wanders over to the napkin on his kitchen wall and he sighs. This is why.

Tracing the lines with his fingertips he smiles at the drawing and grabs his coat to help Connie and Sasha with settling in. They already moved into their new place on the day the Exploration Squads left, but Eren offered his assistance with going through the Instructor manuals and timetables.

Sasha greets him with a wide smile only a few moments after he has knocked and Connie grins at him from the table which is already loaded with paperwork.

Eren is pleasantly surprised to see that despite the rather scarce interior and the few things they own they’ve already made it a home in only this short time. His own quarters never looked like this and he’s been living in them for over a year now. There’s a picture from Jean hanging in their living room, one of the ones he must have drawn recently—it’s them sitting in the Sparrow—and a couple of house plants are scattered all over the place. A small collection of wooden animals rest on the window sill, a bear, a wolf, and some other animal that Eren doesn’t recognise but that somehow reminds him of a fish. Connie must have improved his carving.

The whole homeliness is only enhanced by the faint smell of broth that hangs promisingly in the air and Eren smiles.

“Nice place,” he says.

Sasha beams. “Thank you, Eren. Cookies?”

Of course she bakes too, he thinks.

Soon they sit around the table, the plate with baked goods between them and Sasha even brews him some tea, which he accepts gratefully and recognises immediately as one of Levi’s.

“We already went through the list what the first years should know,” Sasha says after they’ve discussed general procedures, drills, and teaching methods, tucking a strand of hair that keeps on falling into her face behind her ear as she looks down at the papers. “But I don’t really know where to start.”

“I was thinking about resilience and strength training,” Connie says, pointing at a sheet of paper with a sequence of drills for abdominal muscle formation.

“Yeah, I’d start with that, but not for too long before the gear test. Remember how they made us have the test during our second week? I did it as early as possible last year too,” Eren answers. “We don’t need it anymore like we used to but it’s still essential. If they don’t have the feeling for it they will have to leave, so it wouldn’t make sense to wait too long with it. But testing them right away isn’t the right way either. They need to have had at least a bit of muscle training before that. Otherwise some of them will only fail because they’ve got nothing to steady themselves.”

“Yes that was what I was thinking about,” Connie says. “I probably wouldn’t have made it too otherwise.”

“Yeah, they’re not all trained beforehand, surely.” Sasha sighs. “I always tend to forget that.”

Eren smiles. “Do you already feel fit for training the second-years, Sasha?”

“Yes.” She nods. “Based on the lessons with you I already know them and can tell how far they are and what to teach them.”

“Good. I could take over the first-years then mainly next week and have Connie assist me, so he can tell you about their progress if that’s okay with you two.”

“Fine with me,” Connie agrees and looks at Sasha.

“That sounds good. Thank you, Eren.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Harold will probably want you there though when they let Selma free,” Sasha adds. “Isn’t that supposed to be next week?”

“First we need to let her train her injured wing again,” Eren says, chewing on a cookie. “But yes, if it is healed enough we could start trying that by the middle of next week.”

“Should we make it a lesson with both classes, perhaps?”

“It might be a bit over the top having two classes watch a bird learn to fly,” Eren smiles. “But I could ask Harold to lend her to me so I can show them how to take care of a broken wing before we remove the tape.”

“Good. It’s settled then.” Sasha nods and grins. “How was the stew yesterday?”

Eren rolls his eyes and wants to sigh. He just managed to not think about it for a while, but apparently there’s no way to avoid the subject here after all. “It was pleasant. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She winks and grabs a cookie to stuff it into her mouth with a lot of crumbling. “Want to know how to make these too?”

Eren glances at the plate which, due to him and Sasha alike, is already nearly empty and sighs, defeated.

“Yes, please,” he admits and grabs another cookie of his own. The sugar and the fat seem to calm his nerves and even though the question of what he will or won’t do tonight is back in his head, he now thinks he at least will be able to handle it. Whatever may happen.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

When he is standing in Levi’s kitchen again at dinner time, however, he isn’t so sure about that anymore. Eager to keep his hands busy Eren fumbles with the tea supplies as he prepares tonight’s herbal infusion while Levi is stirring in a soup with potatoes next to him.

It’s silent again, just a bit too silent, and Eren’s nerves are up in arms while the pleasant tingle of ‘any time now’ between them makes his stomach swoop.

Yes, this has been nice. It  _ is _ nice. But he has been wound up all day yesterday and today even more so and now, with Levi right besides him, it all starts coming back to him.

Levi’s eyes three nights ago, telling him goodnight. Levi in the snow. Levi in his arms. Levi’s smile.

Levi, who is now standing closer to him than necessary.

And it bursts out.

“I hate this!” He cringes. No. That’s not how he meant it. Not at all. On the contrary but it’s just not enough anymore and the tension between them makes him dizzy. He stares at Levi, who looks back at him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for him to explain.

So he starts anew. “Am I stupid here again?”

“I don’t know,” Levi says mildly. “Are you?”

“I don’t know,” Eren says. “I don’t know if–” He doesn’t even know  _ that _. Too many ifs are in his head. 

What if I do something wrong? What if this is a silly idea after all? What if I get idiotic again, even though I know I want this so much? What if you find out I’m not worthy? What if it doesn’t work out?

Usually he wouldn’t even think about these questions and take his chances. But he already has screwed this up in the past and he doesn’t want to screw it up a second time.

“You want something to change,” Levi says, still looking at him.

Eren swallows drily. What if I only hurt you again?

“Yes,” he confesses.

Levi steps even closer until Eren can feel his alluring heat and smell his scent.

He is smiling, smiling up at Eren and he is close, so close, looking at his mouth with steady, yet questioning eyes, slightly parted lips and then his fingers brush over Eren’s inner wrist with an unsaid meaning and Eren can’t breathe anymore. 

“This?” Levi asks.

“Yes.” Slowly Eren reaches out with his free hand to trace Levi’s cheekbones with his thumb, lets his fingers wander further over his neck, over the soft stubbles of his undercut and into his hair and Levi makes a harsh gasping sound just before their mouths meet, finally, wonderfully, perfectly slotting together and it is all Eren remembers and so much more, because this time he knows he wants it and this isn’t a dream and he isn’t afraid anymore.

Levi’s thumb brushes over his wrist again, sending thrilling sparks through his body as his knees get weak, and Levi lets him cling on to him as his tongue tenderly slips into his mouth, once, twice, before Eren loses count as he is pressed against the kitchen counter with a hand resting on his hips and he groans because he can feel Levi everywhere and it is so good.

“How far do you want this to go tonight?” Levi asks as they part for air, mouth red and wet and Eren is dazzled by the sight. “Tell me where I need to stop.”

The question makes his head spin at the possibilities, and he loves Levi for asking, for caring, for understanding him, and he scrambles together enough of his voice so he can answer.

“No actual fucking,” Eren rasps, hating himself for asking so much, for needing it to be different tonight.

“Everything else is okay?”

“Yes.” He nods. “Yes, please!”

Levi makes a sound again and this time it’s a hungry growl that shoots right through Eren’s veins, down his spine and into his cock and Eren bends down, crushes their mouths together and wants to protest when Levi is meeting him with lazy strokes of his tongue that take the haste out of their kiss, make it tormentingly slow and gentle and sinful but then Eren feels Levi’s hips pressing up against his in a languid motion and he screams at the sudden friction, the heat, the want and oh, yes, he wants it too. Needs it. He rearranges his position, presses back, feels thumbs stroke over his stomach next to his hipbones and over his inner arm as he begins to kiss back as well until all he can taste and feel and think is Levi, Levi, Levi and yes!

Levi’s kisses travel away, over his chin and jaw and settle for a spot in his neck. Teeth graze over Eren’s skin and he whimpers, begs, until he feels it again with another thrust of Levi’s hips and Eren is on fire, wants to conquer him as well and pushes back and back and back, frantic, chaotic, rough.

“Eren…fuck, yes!”

He wants it to last, but it’s already over. Levi looks up at him, eyes hazy and pushes their hips together once more and Eren bursts, falls into grey, blackened eyes that firmly hold him in place as he comes, shuddering, gasping, and one moment later Levi goes still in his arms, tightens his grip on him, just before Eren can feel him twitching against him, silently, but holding their gaze so intensely that Eren wonders for a curious second if he could go again right away.

Beautiful, he thinks.

They stand there like this for a while, pressed against each other and breathing hard. Eren feels Levi’s head sink against his chest and a pair of arms wrap around him and lets his own hands run over his back as he lets his nose nuzzle into Levi’s hair and closes his eyes.

“So much for taking it slow,” he says after another few moments have passed and Levi chuckles against his chest and blinks up at him.

“So much for being too old. I came in my pants.” He grimaces.

Eren laughs and kisses his brow. “You are wonderful.”

“You are weird. What I am is sticky. I need to take a shower now. We both do.”

“Hm,” Eren agrees lazily, nearly protesting when Levi loosens their warm embrace, but grinning contentedly when he sees how wobbly his movements are.

“What do you think?” Levi asks. “Can you keep your hands to yourself?”

“Probably not,” he admits.

“Let’s give it a try anyway.”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

He doesn’t keep his hands to himself. 

It’s hot and steamy in the shower and slippery in a lot of interesting ways. It doesn’t particularly help that Levi is naked.

It doesn’t particularly help that his kisses taste like tea and flying either.

It’s only when Eren is back at HQ and about to open the door to his quarters in the middle of the night, saturated and grinning and for the first time in his life utterly content with himself and the world, that he notices the second key next to his in his pockets. It’s small and made of brass and it matches the door to Levi’s café.

He doesn’t have a clue when Levi has put it there, but he admits to himself with a smile and a cheerful kick of his heart that he doesn’t really need to know anyway. 


	19. A Ledger

As much as Eren tries to keep a serious expression on Monday, he is failing heroically.

It already starts at breakfast when he steps into the mess hall, sees Mikasa’s grey eyes that remind him of Levi and he grins like an idiot.

She lifts an eyebrow and doesn’t comment any further which makes him beam even wider and Jean only sighs and scowls at his porridge.

“Fucking finally.”

While Sasha bursts into a fit of giggles Eren kicks Jean’s leg under the table in revenge, but he only kicks back and grins.

He is glad that the first-years are demanding and keep him occupied for the day. Connie and he begin with general drills of running, weight lifting, and sit-ups to test their limits and it doesn’t surprise Eren when the first groaned protests begin long before the sun has reached its zenith.

Anna does well and already seems to have made friends with a boy with wild, blond hair, called Lennard.

The afternoon they spend with first theory lessons which—after the straining morning drills—are welcomed with collective sighs of relief.

“I swear we weren’t like this,” Connie mumbles as they part for the day and Eren only smiles to himself. By now he has the feeling they all were.

“No, of course not,” he says with his most serious expression. “Remember that crazy girl who ate a potato during Introduction rounds?”

Connie laughs. “Hey, don’t talk about my wife like this. She’s got a good taste. And as she said: If she would have waited it would have ended up being cold.”

Eren grins. “Always looking for the good, simple things in life, huh?”

“Yeah.” Connie shrugs. “Isn’t that what it is all about?”

Eren thinks about Levi. About his voice or his eyes when he laughs. About his expression when he takes the first sip of freshly brewed tea. About his fingers that soaped Eren’s hair ever so gently under the shower.

And he smiles. “Yeah, it is.”

Connie sighs happily.

“So,” Eren grins. “ _Wife_ , huh?”

Blushing fiercely, Connie punches him in the shoulder, but he chuckles. “Shut up!”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

Bookkeeping night is an experience for itself that day.

Eren’s own, small pile of paperwork doesn’t seem to make any sense whatsoever and after a while he is tempted to just give up for the day. He could swear the info sheets and checklists are getting dumber and dumber with every month and besides, it’s much more interesting to watch Levi anyway.

He is back to his usual evening attire of rolled up sleeves and undone top button and his fringe falls over his brow as he writes in his ledger, surrounded by lists and books. His pen scratches quietly over the paper, his fingers bend and stretch with their movements, and from time to time the faint crease between his eyebrows deepens.

“Don’t you have anything more interesting to look at?” His voice is mild but he doesn’t look up from his work.

Eren shifts on his chair. “No,” he admits and earns a soft sigh.

The frown deepens slightly. “You’ve got an odd taste.”

“I taste just fine, thank you,” he mumbles, hears what he’s saying and flushes. “I mean…I…oh, fuck.”

The corners of Levi’s mouth twitch and his knee nudges against Eren’s leg, where it stays. “Get back to work.”

And Eren tries.

A regulation sheet about running in the hallways.

A ten page long pamphlet about weapon oil brand changes which changes nothing but the brand.

An order for gherkins with a twenty page thick list of its ingredients, nutrition values and further information.

Eren sighs and courses his fingers through his hair. These are definitely getting dumber and dumber.

Levi glances up at Eren’s paperwork. And smirks knowingly. “Gherkins?”

“Yup. They’re fascinating, apparently. Or at least that’s what it says on this sheet.” He scowls at it.

“I know. They also make you bloat and fart. End of page nine, I guess.”

Eren chuckles and signs the damn thing.

Eventually—finally—he has signed everything or added his own notes.

Stretching with a yawn he stands up to refill the tea pot. It’s not his night on tea duty but Levi is still working, so he guesses he’s got a free pass; there’s still one more infusion of the Oolong left anyhow and all he has to do is boil some water.

By the time Levi is finished Eren has long moved into his favourite chair with his book and he closes it now after marking his progress, while Levi stores away his ledger, the folders, his pen, and the jar with ink.

Eren doesn’t have to check the late time on the clock to know that they won’t play any chess today.

“Can I stay?” he asks.

Levi answers by pulling him into a kiss, their first kiss since they parted the night before, and Eren smiles into it.

It’s testing this time, slow and soft and exploring and the fingers that brush over his hips directly over the hem of his trousers make Eren shudder.

“Of course you can stay,” Levi says. “Shall we move over?”

Pecking Levi’s lips once more Eren squeezes his hand. “Yes.”

For a small moment Eren feels irritatingly intimidated and self-conscious as Levi closes the bedroom door. But then Levi looks up at him and it’s all gone.

“Tell me when to stop,” Levi says.

Eren nods and shudders despite the warmth of the hearth from the other side of the wall. “It’s okay.”

They undress each other, holding each other’s gaze when Levi unbuckles the straps of Eren’s gear, and begin to kiss again when Levi pushes the whole thing down Eren’s hips while he blindly steps out of the remaining loops. His hands are on Levi’s waist, pull the bottom of his shirt out of his trousers and ease the buttons out of their holes until he can slip the soft fabric over Levi’s broad shoulders and finally look at him.

He has already seen him. All these years ago when he didn’t know what he was doing and yesterday under the shower too, but this is _it_ and he can’t look enough. Letting his hands wander over Levi’s abdomen and chest, Eren feels his heartbeat under his palms and swallows as it speeds up. Levi’s skin is so pale, so much in contrast with Eren’s own, tanned hands and Eren traces the lines and firm muscles under his fingertips that begin to flush with delicious heat while Levi tucks at Eren’s shirt to push it over his head and discards it onto the floor without folding it first.

Cool, firm fingers are on Eren’s waist, on his back, stroke over his sides and make him shiver again and he bends down until he finds Levi’s mouth with his, exchanging tender kisses that slowly become deeper. He feels himself being guided backwards until something nudges against the back of his legs, makes him gasp and he realises they’ve reached the bed. Gripping Levi by his slender hips he pulls him down with him, shuffles back until they are both completely on the mattress, searches, fastens his grip around Levi’s arse and presses their hips against each other.

Levi chuckles into his mouth and it becomes a hiss as Eren rolls his hips upwards, still pressed against Levi and then there are hands catching his wrists to guide them up and fondly press them into the mattress on both sides of his head where slender fingers loosely slip between his.

Heart racing and heat prickling all over his body Eren lets his thumbs brush over Levi’s and over his palms, squeezes their fingers together and tries not to writhe. Levi’s hands still have calluses, even though not nearly as much as before, and Eren feels their strength. It is simmering underneath and its contrariness to the decisive gentleness of Levi’s touches makes Eren’s cock hard, desperate for friction, but he wants to savour every moment, wants Levi to do with him whatever he wants.

Levi only looks back at him, eyes blown-wide and hungry and Eren loses himself, groans, jerks his hips into the empty air after all and squeezes Levi’s fingers once more. Lips press against his neck again, find his pulse and brush over it, followed by a lick, unhasty and wet and heated, a scratch of teeth, teasing puffs of cool air blowing over it and Eren throws his head back with a groan.

“So receptive,” Levi murmurs.

“Yes,” he moans again and Levi is everywhere and his hair tickles Eren’s neck, his collarbones, his shoulders, and his throat, he feels the warm muscles move under his hands and he wants more as every single nerve-ending in his body comes to life.

Levi takes his time as his kisses trail down Eren’s chest, lips brushing, tongue licking, teeth scratching, until he loosens the intertwining of their fingers with a parting squeeze to let his hands follow.

Eren looks down at his black hair and pale hands, looks as the elegant fingers open the buttons of his trousers and pull them down, looks as they trail over his thighs, his twitching cock and still looks when he is taken into a hot, wet mouth that wraps around him, slippery, tight, so fucking good, grey, blown-wide eyes staring back into his and it’s too much yet not nearly enough.

He is close to the edge already, so fucking close, and he fists the bed sheets, shuts his eyes, in an attempt to delay it, but Levi hums, brushes his fingers over Eren’s hipbones and the checkless flood of his orgasm crashes over him with a cry. He snaps his eyes open, only to see that Levi is still looking at him, swallowing with a slight frown and he can’t tear his eyes away all the way through, until he is empty and the blood has stopped rushing loudly through his ears.

When Levi lets him go Eren reaches out with shaking fingers and brushes the fringe out of Levi’s eyes, so he can see more of his face, cheeks pink, mouth swollen and red, eyes bright and dark at the same time.

“Not bad indeed.” He smiles, pressing a kiss onto Eren’s inner wrist.

Eren bursts into giggles and feels a new wave of warmth wash over him at Levi’s grin. “Come here,” he says and sits up to meet Levi in another kiss. “My turn.”


	20. A Pair of Wings

Waking up next to Levi, Eren decides, is his favourite time of the day. 

It means seeing Levi’s bed hair and feeling fingers brush through his own, tousled strands. Sleep-warm skin against sleep-warm skin. Lazy kisses and silent whispers under the sheets.

It doesn’t matter that it’s in the middle of the night and long before any of them has to get up. He’s known about Levi’s problems with sleep and has his own share.

He’s known about Levi’s habit of sleeping with a knife nearby as well. He still sleeps with it under his pillow, pulling it with a startled awakening in a quick, swift motion. Eren has seen it happen too many times to be fazed by it and answered Levi’s slightly apologetic gaze merely with a smile as he pulled him back into his arms.

“I can’t go back to sleep,” Levi says after a while.

Wide-awake just the same Eren chuckles softly. “Me neither.” He runs his fingers through Levi’s hair. “Tea?”

“I’ll boil some water.”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

Nighttime tea is delicious. 

And when they go back to bed Eren listens to Levi’s rhythmic breathing until he drifts off again.

A simple breakfast together is nice too; tea and porridge and stealthy smiles over newspaper halfs.

With these memories in mind the day passes quickly. The morning training begins with another session of muscle formation drills for the first years that Eren concludes by showing them Selma.

As he explains to them how Harold has found Selma in the outskirts of the town and what they did, Anna smiles at him and by now he can return it without the heavy knot his his guts. After having spent one whole day with the girl during training yesterday, Eren has to admit that even though she resembles Petra a lot on first sight, she’s her whole own person. She is much more calm and less chatty and her smile comes not quite as easy, even though it’s just as genuine as he remembers from her sister.

Lennard is standing next to her and they listen intently as Eren keeps on explaining and shows them the bandaging tape and Jean’s sketch so Selma can stay in her cage for now.

In comparison to Harold and his friends the  enthusiasm in this class remains limited and even though Eren isn’t completely surprised he finds it fascinating how two groups can react so differently to a similar situation. They show interest and concern for the formerly broken wing and some even take notes, but open fondness and uttered worries fail to appear in this group, while Selma watches them from between the bars of her portable home with curious, blinking, black eyes and a few cautious chirps.

Things are completely different in the afternoon when Eren is back in the classroom with the  First Exploration Trainee Corps, the birdcage standing on the teacher’s desk and the teenagers surrounding him with expectant gazes.

Harold is the bounciest of them all, beaming next to Rita and Mia, who smile at him in anticipation.

It’s good to see them again. Even though it has been only half a week since he’s last had classes with them he misses each and every one of them. He misses Mia’s quietness and Rita’s boldness. Derek’s skills with the gear and Percy’s questions. Harold. Especially Harold. In only two years he’ll have to let them go completely.

But not today. And Eren decides to ask Sasha about switching teams on Thursday or Friday. She has to get to know and train the other Corps eventually after all.

“Alright folks.” Eren grins at them. “Let’s give Selma back her wing, shall we?”

They all nod eagerly, once more astoundingly silent considering their usual liveliness.

“Harold? Would you want to remove the tape?” he asks.

“If that’s alright.”

“Of course,” Eren says and smiles. “Should I hold her again?”

“Yes, Sir. Please.”

It doesn’t escape Eren that Selma is much less reluctant to be held than two weeks ago. Probably the time amongst people and under the careful care of Harold has gotten her used to humans. At least far enough that she isn’t as frightened anymore. She still doesn’t particularly like to be held, but it’s easier to catch her and she struggles less.

This time Harold’s hands are warm as they set to work and he looks much more relaxed as well. Soon the last strip of her bandage is gone and by now the whole class is so full of suspense that it is nearly tangible.

“Does the wing look good?” Percy asks nearly under his breath while Harold carefully pats Selma’s head.

She chirps.

“We’ll have to see,” Eren says. “There isn’t really any other way than to let her try using it and observe how it goes. Would you like to, Harold?”

“No, you can do it, Sir.” Harold smiles.

“Okay then,” Eren smiles back. “Then make some room for her again, I’ll put her down on the floor.”

Just as two weeks ago they settle down in a loose circle, some of them in a tailor seat, some of them on chairs, while Eren places Selma into their midst. She moves her head quickly and instantly begins to hop around.

“She walks funnily,” Mia says, concerned.

“She probably has to get used to her second wing again,” Harold says calmly and Eren observes him a bit more closely while Selma chirps again and begins to try out both her wings with a hesitant flutter.

Apparently drills with Sasha have done Harold well, even though it’s only been one and a half days. But may it be that or taking care of Selma or something that happened during the past week, he seems to be more confident than the last time they sat here. Less anxious. He’s also got a fresh bump on his forehead.

Someone pokes Eren’s upper arm and, unable to hide a grin, he looks to his right. “Yes, Rita?”

“You’re smiling more often today,” she says point-blank. “Did something good happen?”

He remembers nighttime tea. Waking up to Levi’s scent at the break of dawn and kissing his neck. Feeling fingers trace his own eyebrows and grey, sleepy eyes looking into his, completely unguarded and in hesitant awe.

He remembers watching each other getting dressed. Having breakfast together with their feet touching.

Kissing goodbye for the day.

“Maybe,” he simply answers, trying to stay serious, but he feels his grin widen despite all attempts and she grins back.

“Good. You’ve been looking kind of sad sometimes. I’m happy you’re not anymore.”

“Rita?”

“Yes.”

“Where has Harold gotten that bump from?” Eren deflects decisively, returning her impish grin. He knows Harold won’t mind his question, can hear him giggle already.

A chuckle escapes her. “He fell out of bed.” She whispers, loud enough that they all can hear them. “But shh! Don’t tell him I told you.”

“I heard that, Rita,” Harold says, but he still smiles and she only pokes her tongue out at her friend.

“You really did fall out of your bed?” Eren asks him, curious.

“Yes.” Harold shrugs his shoulders. “It’s fine, though. I cooled it right away, so it will be okay. I’ve had worse.”

“I guess you have,” Eren agrees.

Selma is trying out her wings again and this time she manages to float up into the air shortly.

“Will we have lessons with you again, soon, Sir?” Derek asks. “It’s not that Instructor Sasha isn’t cool or anything,” he adds quickly. “But it’s odd having a new teacher and not seeing you all day.”

A couple of Trainees nod and yes, Eren truly misses them too.

“I think you will,” he says and earns a round of smiles that turn into a wave of gasps as Selma, with a powerful flap or her wings lifts up from the floor, flies…

…higher…

…and higher….

…and lands on a table nearby with a few last flutters and another cheerful chirp.

Surrounded by exulting second years, Eren beams.

He’ll have some good news for Levi tonight.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

As things should turn out, he isn’t the first one to tell Levi the news. 

By the time he’s dropped off his gear, went through one single piece of paperwork—a sheet on new boot linings which looked like it’d be done within a few harmless minutes rather than the agonising half an hour it actually took—and went over to the café, he already finds Harold, Mia, and Rita sit at the counter, chattering to Levi with seizable excitement.

They all look at him as he steps in, three pairs of beaming eyes, one pair solemn and steady but warm, and he grins.

“Hello,” he greets the four of them.

“Hello Sir,” comes threefold from the counter.

Levi remains silent, but smiles fondly at the tea pot in front of him, which he now lifts to fill Eren a cup, placing it into the counter next to Mia’s coffee without a comment.

“We were just telling Captain Levi about Selma, Sir,” Harold says. “He says he’s happy she can fly.”

“I bet he is,” Eren grins and looks at Levi. “Could I have a piece of cake, please?”

“You’re lucky. I’ve still got apple, apple and apple.”

“We took the last piece of cardamom cake,” Rita explains. “Sorry.”

“No worries, Rita. Apple it is, I guess.”

“Clotted cream?” Levi asks.

“Perfect.”

“Instructor Eren, Sir,” Mia says while Levi busies himself with fetching the cake. “Captain Levi says you were very brave during the war.”

Feeling a bit awkward at the compliment Eren takes hold of his tea. As far as he can remember he’s always been the one getting in trouble for not being in control of his Titan. Or getting kidnapped. Or both.

“Did he?” he asks.

“Yes. He says you’ve been protecting your friends.”

“Well, my friends have been protecting me too,” Eren says. “It’s what friends are for.”

Harold and Mia and Rita nod earnestly.

“I hear you’re having lessons with Instructor Sasha,” Levi says, handing Eren his cake and Eren is grateful for the change of topic. “Do you like it?”

“Yes,” Harold says. “She is fun! She likes food.”

Levi smiles into his cup of tea.

“We miss Instructor Eren, though,” Rita adds and when Eren carefully but not too gently boxes her shoulder she grins with sparkling eyes and boxes back.

They talk about their lessons from yesterday for a while, about maps and Sasha herself and when they leave Eren tells them he’ll pay for their expenses which they accept with wide beams, thank yous, and a salute before they leave.

“Keep the money,” Levi says as soon as the three are out of the door.

Eren looks at him over a bite of apple cake and ultimately nods. He’s already won the war with the dinner money. There’s no chance he’ll win this as well. Not today at least.

“Okay. Thank you.”

He takes his time with the food while Levi begins to close the café—sign, tables, chairs, and floor—and after he’s counted the day’s taking they both move over to their usual spot.

It’s Levi’s turn to make dinner.

And Eren is already musing about today’s choice of tea. 


	21. A Pot of Jasmine Tea

Winter solstice begins with a drawn knife in the dark. 

Eren isn’t surprised when he wakes up to Levi shooting up in his bed again in the middle of the night, listening into the blackness before realising who lies next to him and that it is alright.

This time Levi doesn’t lay back down though and gets up with a rustle of the bed sheets.

“Everything okay?” Eren asks, propping himself up on an elbow.

“I just need to think.” Levi’s voice cuts through the nocturnal silence, yet sounds calm. “Go back to sleep.”

And Eren does.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

However, when he opens his eyes again and the space next to him is still deserted and by now even cooled down he follows, only to find Levi sitting at the dining table. He looks so small wearing his nightshirt and wide trousers, his shoulders hanging slightly and his gaze fixed on his hands that hold a nearly empty cup; the only source of light the moon and lamps outside.

“What are you doing out here?” Eren asks with a yawn, feeling the warmth of the bed leaving his body and missing it. There is an intangible cold in the living room and it’s not because of the died out fire in the hearth or the late hour or the missing comfort of the down blanket.

Shining eyes settle on him as Levi answers. “I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“It’s alright.” He pads over with naked feet and kisses Levi’s brow. “Is there more tea?”

“Yes.”

Going into the kitchen he fetches himself a cup as well and sits down at the table, facing Levi. The tea is soothing and still warm and the flowery scent goes easy on his still slumberous mind.

It’s Jasmine tea.

Eren frowns. Levi usually drinks it when something dejects him.

“Did I wake you?” he asks.

“I don’t know.” Levi gazes out of the window.

“Should I go home again?” he offers softly, looking firmly at Levi so he knows it would be alright for him to say yes. “Because if I’m a bother I don’t mind.”

“No. I probably can’t sleep either way.”

“Hm.” Eren keeps on drinking his tea and since they’re at home and Levi doesn’t mind him staying here he stretches out his feet to nudge them against Levi’s for reassuring contact. Levi’s mouth shortly twitches before he stretches his legs as well to easily tangle their legs in an unsaid understanding.

The tea is assuaging, but Eren feels something is up.

“Are you having second thoughts?” he asks carefully. “About us?”

Levi meets his gaze and shakes his head. “I’m new to this, Eren. I don’t know how to behave in a relationship. I don’t even know if I fit.”

“Oh, we fit,” Eren grins, nudges Levi’s legs and Levi smiles shortly.

“It’s not how I meant it.”

“I know,” Eren says softly. “What makes you think I know what to do or that I fit? Because I don’t have a manual or experience either.”

“Are you worried?”

“I screwed up once,” he simply says with a shrug and rubs an invisible stain on his cup as he holds their gazes. “But if you ask if I am worried about you or us? No.”

Levi frowns.

“This is new to me too,” Eren adds after a while. “But that’s okay. We can figure it out as we go. We’ve done stranger things.”

“I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“You never have,” Eren says, startled.

The hurt in Levi’s eyes is old and Eren recognises it instantly.

“Hey,” he pokes Levi’s foot with his and waits until Levi meets his eyes again. “We already talked about this. I left back then because I was a stupid idiot.”

“I should have said something on the next day. I shouldn’t have let it happen in the first place.”

“This is not solely on you. We both made and let it happen and kept silent about it.”

“I should have come after you when you were gone. I knew something was wrong.”

“Well, it wasn’t your best day.”

Levi snorts and it sounds bitter. “No. I guess it wasn’t.”

Eren takes a sip of the flowery tea. “May I know why?”

Eyes settle on him again, lonely and soft and sad and he shivers.

“Don’t you remember at all how we chased after you in the fog that day?” Levi asks. “You were like a fury and stormed off, big arse Titan as you were. We didn’t know if there were more out there. But you heard Jean scream Armin’s name and ran.“

“Oh.” Eren swallows, staring uncomfortably into his cup.

He remembers his rage that day, his fright and his desperate need to protect his friend, but somehow his own doing has all gotten inconsequential to him, regarding everything that happened afterwards. He’s never thought about how Levi might have felt about his impulsive reaction, not even on that day. Helping Armin—or anyone he cares about—comes as natural to him as breathing. He simply thought Levi had experienced something for himself that was too awful for words. Now that he understands his blood is turning cold and he doesn’t really need Levi’s following words to explain.

“I’d already lost two people I loved to a situation like this, Eren. Nearly exactly the same. A supposedly simple, fucking stupid mission. Fog. And when we found you, eyes blank and Armin and Jean crouching next to you, all pale and agitated…what should I have thought?”

Never has Eren heard Levi’s voice sound like this before. It’s brittle and raw in the otherwise so quiet, peaceful night and it is close to breaking.

Driven by instinct he stands up and walks around the table to sit down next to Levi, heart twisting and ears ringing. He pulls him into his arms and buries his nose in the top of his head, holds him close, breathes him in, and feels relief when arms wrap around him and hold on tight in return.

“Fuck, I didn’t even consider that,” Eren explains as calmly as he can and he wants to seriously kick himself for never thinking about that part of the battle. He’d been gone for roughly quarter an hour before he came back.

Levi snorts again. “Of course you didn’t. And it’s alright. I know why you went after Armin and that you’d do it again. I don’t want to change who you are.”

“You lost me twice that day though,” Eren concludes, gently running his fingers through Levi’s hair and not letting go.

Levi inhales sharply and holds on so tight now that it nearly hurts and breathing is hard, but Eren doesn’t care one bit.

“I did not leave back then because of anything you did or didn’t do,” he says, his throat tight and his blood heavy with emotion. “I wanted it too, everything of it. I wanted you. You were wonderful. You _are_. But it caught me off guard and it scared the hell out of me. I should have stayed. I know that. I think I somehow knew it back then too but I didn’t want to lose what we had before and didn’t know what to say.

“I should have talked to Armin or I don’t know. Fuck, I should have talked to _you_. Instead I went exploring and missed you…god, I missed you so much. Tell me whenever I do something this fucked up again, alright? Sometimes…” he exhales.

“…you just don’t think things through?” Levi ends his sentence for him, his voice muffled by Eren’s shirt.

“Yes.” Eren hugs him closer again and inhales his scent, lets it mend his sorrows so he can do the same in return.

“Come back to bed,” he says when moments have passed and both of their breathing is back to normal again. “It’s lonely in there without you and cold.”

“Says the furnace,” Levi grumbles, but there’s a faint trace of mirth in his voice and Eren chuckles again.

“Well, someone has to warm your freezing feet.”

“True.”

They clean the used china before they move into the bedroom again, watching the silent night on the other side of the kitchen window as they work, dishes passing hands with brushing fingers, shoulders so close they are nearly touching.

During their talk snow has begun to fall again, covering the world under a new layer of hushing white.

More words are unnecessary anyhow.

At least for now.

They haven’t even closed the door to the bedroom when they are all over each other. Stumbling over their feet they somehow manage to find their way to the bed and after toppling onto it everything blurs into a haze of heat as they are caught by a blaze of need and reopened desolation so fierce that it rips right through them. Their hands are shaky as two sets of fingers tear off their clothes in their urge for simple, desperate touch and their mouths are greedy as teeth catch lips that brush and nibble and suck in return in a never-ending chase of claiming and being claimed. Levi tastes like tea and home and Eren wants him, yearns for him, wants him everywhere, until he is a part of him.

He begs and moans and whimpers when strong fingers pull them together, not that gentle anymore but greedy now, gripping, scratching, clinging on, and he wants it,  _ needs _ it, has longed for it for so fucking long he can’t stand it anymore; fingers digging into Levi’s shoulders and back he pulls them together in return—closer, closer, and closer, slippery and wet, messy kisses and quick-quick-quicker—until it burns and stretches and then it only feels wonderful again because Levi is finally deep inside of him, looking at him, through him, right into his soul, stroking his cock again and again, whispering his name with swollen, wet lips and sparkling, blown-wide eyes and Eren yells as the relief crashes over him like a wave, never turning his eyes away. He barely notices that he takes Levi with him after a few more deep thrusts, beautiful and undone, and when they lay next to each other again and wait for the world to catch up with them, sweaty, panting, and exhausted in all the best ways, he reaches blindly for Levi’s hand to intertwine their fingers; pale grace between tanned paws. Just as it should be.

They look at each other, Levi squeezes his hand and Eren squeezes back.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

Levi’s feet truly are ice-cold and he chuckles knowingly when he tucks them under Eren’s legs as they slip under the freshly changed covers and Eren can’t help but think that if his only purpose as a Titan after the war solely is to warm Levi at night, he might be more than alright with that. 

“I love you too. You know that, right?” Eren asks into the silence.

“Hm,” is the only response he gets to that, but there’s an arm sliding around his waist as Levi rests his head on Eren’s chest, pulling him closer again.

Warm. Easy.

Right.

Good.

“I missed you too,” Levi says sleepily. “I missed your heart.”

Eren doesn’t have an answer left. All he can do is press his lips against Levi’s head and swallow, hold on tight and swear to himself to never ever let something this stupid come between them again while he blinks his burning eyes.

He falls asleep to quiet, rhythmic breathing and tickling hair and an ear resting against his heart, his left hand gently protecting Levi’s nape.


	22. A Trail of Footprints

By Thursday evening the Sparrow is filled with customers. After a quick glance at Levi Eren sits down at the only table that’s free where he accepts his evening tea with an exchange of glances and a brief brush of fingers. No coddling cake today. He’s been having lunch and apparently Levi can tell. Eren orders one anyway.

He begins to drink his tea which is like summer in a cup—it's rich in a dark, green colour, with the taste of grass and it warms him all the way though.

He has been training the first years with Connie again today, taking them through a set of muscle formation drills and in the afternoon through another session of theory about weapons and the military and its history.

It’s nice to share the classes with Connie. The children listen to him and like his less grave spirit. And yet Eren looks forward to his lessons with the second-years tomorrow.

“Thought we might see you here,” Jean says from behind Eren and ruffling his hair he plops down on a seat next to him while Mikasa hangs her coat over a third.

Both their faces are pink from the cold outside and Jean rubs his chest to get warm. The wind truly has been icy since the previous night and given the way they look like they have spent the entire day out in the frost.

“Jean,” Mikasa says. “Tea?”

“Yes, please.” He grins up at her and she nods.

It’s only when she is gone and Eren is shifting on his chair next to Jean in the middle of Levi’s filled café that he realises they’ve never really been alone, unless in a fight or some other silly situation. Not voluntarily at least and certainly not as something like friends, sitting together in a café. Drinking tea. Talking about their day or whatever men talk about. Eren suddenly has no clue anymore.

Jean, however, doesn’t seem to be bothered by the circumstances and produces his carbon pencils and a small sketchbook out of the pockets of his coat. “Busy night, huh?” he says.

“Yeah,” Eren says.

“Any plans for tonight?”

“Nope.”

“Hm.”

Mikasa is still standing at the counter, talking to Levi. Both of their expressions are calm, but also earnest. Mikasa says something and Levi nods, flashing his eyes over to Eren and then glancing down at his hands before looking back at Mikasa and holding her gaze firmly.

“What is she doing?” Eren wonders out loud. Whatever it is, it’s not just ordering tea.

“Nothing much,” Jean answers. “Just making sure you’re alright.”

“Oh.” He frowns. “Oh.”

Levi smiles down at the counter as he speaks and Mikasa shortly takes hold of his underarm, nodding.

Rubbing his fingers over the china of his cup, Eren frowns. They all care so much about him that he can’t shake the inkling of fear that they will lose their patience with him any time soon and turn their back on him because he deserves it or tell him it was all a joke. He looks at Jean, who is so immersed in his drawings and feels the guilt clench his chest from anew.

Eren clears his throat. “I didn’t make it easy for you, did I? I’m sorry.”

The quiet scratching sounds of coal on paper stop and Jean’s tawny eyes look at him calmly. “It’s alright, mate.”

Eren wants to say that it really isn’t. That he know’s he’s been a pain in the arse and even worse. He wants to apologise for the broken nose, for making them trouble all the time and for everything, really. But Jean’s expression tells him that he doesn’t have to because Jean already knows.

“Thanks.” Eren sighs.

“We’ve both been arseholes,” Jean says with an expression that he manages to put somewhere between a smirk and a faint scowl.

Eren chuckles. “I guess we were.”

“The worst.”

They grin at each other briefly.

Jean takes up on his sketching again and it is…nice.

Simply nice.

Eren thinks about Jean’s drawing at Sasha and Connie’s place and glances at the framed ocean sketch next to Levi’s counter. He should ask him for one of his pieces as well, and not just for a presentation for the Trainees.

“Maybe I’ll take him for a walk today,” he offers, answering Jean’s question for a second time.

Jean glances back at him and nods before he tends back to his art. “The snow is nice these days, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Eren takes a sip of his tea. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

“As long as you don’t have to get out there at least. I’ve been freezing my fucking balls off.”

Eren snorts.

“How’s the bird?” Jean asks, glancing at Eren and then the café in a way that makes him wonder what Jean sees when he is drawing. Is he seeing the world as Eren does himself or does he see it a bit differently in form of lines and shapes and rough sketches of shades of light and shadows, certain moments picked out to be recorded on paper in coal?

“She’s fine,” he answers. “We showed her to the first years on Tuesday morning and removed the tape. She seems quite lively and already manages to fly a bit.”

“Will you set her free soon?”

“We guess so, yeah. Probably around this weekend.”

“Good.”

Mikasa comes back with a cup of coffee for herself and a cup of black tea for Jean and they sit together in silence for a while.

“Are you alright?” Jean asks after his first cautious sip of tea.

“All good,” she says. And smiles.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

“Would you like to go out for a walk?” Eren asks as soon as they’ve finished dinner and are about to move to the chairs by the fireside to play chess. It is not their usual routine, but it has been pulling him outside into the snow-covered world for days. 

“Alright,” Levi says.

They gather their coat and cloak, slip into their boots and head out into the black and white night.

It is different than in his dream. The snow is not a thin layer of powdery sugar but thick and heavy and wet and cold under his feet and glistening in the light of the street lamps. They crunch over old footprints and fresh, icy snow alike and Eren knows that Levi won’t accept holding his hand in public, so he doesn’t offer. This is them. And nobody else’s concern.

And it is good.

“I hope Mikasa wasn’t too fierce,” Eren says when they reach the fields that are nothing but pale, vast and beautiful. “I saw her talking to you earlier.”

Levi glances up at him shortly and pushes his nose back into the collar of his coat. “She wasn’t.”

Eren knows Mikasa can’t help herself and that she only wants to protect him, yet somehow he feels he has to apologise for her. “I didn’t tell her to.”

“I know. She’s alright. We both are.”

“Good.”

It’s a strange feeling to walk over the nearly pristine blanket of snow that seems to stretch all the way up to the horizon. No other traces of footsteps accompany their own as they walk over the white planes, only a few traces of rabbits. Their boots sink into the frosted surface of the snow and they simply listen to the sound of nature and their own thoughts.

This is so much better than any imagination. It is biting cold and Eren’s nose has become numb a good time ago. He thinks Levi’s must be feel the cold gnawing its way through his coat by now with his human skin. And yet it is perfect.

“How are Sasha and Connie doing?” Levi asks, his words forming puffs of steamy air in front of him.

“They’re doing fine,” Eren says. “Connie is good with the first years and Sasha seems to manage the others quite well.”

“Any new injuries lately?”

“Apart from falling out of bed not yet.” He grins.

“Maybe this becomes a new record.”

Eren chuckles. “Perhaps. We’ll see.”

The clouds above them part a bit and let the stars blink down on them. The North Star is bright today and Eren smiles at its winking light that’s reflected by Levi’s eyes.

“You were right with them planning a family, I guess,” he says, remembering Connie’s slip.

The corners of Levi’s eyes soften faintly with warmth. “Good for them.”

“Yeah. They've already made themselves quite comfortable here too. It looks like they've been living here for months, not only for the good part of a week. It makes me wonder what I did with my time here. The only personal things I have at my place are my tea supplies, books, and a napkin.”

“A napkin.”

“You heard me.” Eren grins at him.

Levi opens his mouth to say something but closes it again.

Instead cold knuckles shortly brush over Eren’s and Eren already looks forward to warm them later between his own.

For now they continue their wordless walk. Feet gritting over frosted snow, breaths harsh in the peaceful stillness, thoughts in quiet understanding.

One tall figure in green. A smaller one in black.

“Where do you want to sleep tonight?” Levi asks when they turn around to head back.

Next to you. “At your place if that’s alright.”

The small wrinkle between Levi’s eyebrows deepens as he shoots him a curious glance. “I will wake up again.”

“I know.” Eren shrugs. “Me too.”

It’s not only the waking up part that bothers Levi. Eren thinks of his concrite glance at his knife before he put it back under his pillow this night again and recognises it now in the way the wrinkle on his brow deepens even more as Levi buries his nose back in his scarf. So he searches for Levi’s wrist with his hand and lets his knuckles briefly brush over it in return.

“It’s alright.” He doesn’t have to say that he knows that old habits die hard. Doesn't have to say that Levi is only right for having the knife close by when he decides to spend his nights with a Titan by his side, no matter how tamed he might be. They’ve had the discussion before, even at a time when they’ve not even shared a bed yet.

Ever since he first saw Levi wake up like this he’s been keeping a knife of his own under his pillow when he goes to sleep. Except for this week. He didn’t need it. Doesn’t. They both know Levi is quicker and Eren is better with his fists.

“It makes me feel safe,” Eren adds and senses that their shoulders are nearly touching now.

The blinking stars hang over the town far ahead and sporadical windows are glowing in the houses below, almost inviting them to stay outside and bathe in the sea of lights.

“You don't have to ask,” Levi mumbles, eyes fixed on something at the horizon.

There’s a joy in Eren’s chest that feels too big for one heart. He seizes it nevertheless, wraps it around himself until he’s drunk on it and feels the brass key in his pocket pressing against his legs as he walks.

“I’ll fetch my things tomorrow, then.”

It’s not really a question, but Levi smiles and answers anyway. “Yes.”


	23. A Bundle

“Are you sure she’ll be alright?” Eren asks, his heart clenching. 

“She’ll live,” Levi says calmly, handing him a cup of Earl Grey. “Just give her a moment.”

Eren is sitting at the counter in Levi’s café and looks at the door to the bathroom where Hanji has hurried off to a minute ago.

In all his time with the military Eren has never seen her cry like this.

Not during the war. Not when they found the remains of Sonny and Bean. Not after Shingashina. Or Moblit. Not after their victory.

But when Levi and he have met her for the fourth morning in row today and Levi asked Eren if he still wanted to fetch his things later, she burst out into a waterfall of tears and sobs and fled with a choked ‘sorry’.

Eren knows it’s been Levi’s way of telling Hanji without really having to explain everything about it and he’s smiled. But Hanji is still barricading herself in the bathroom and by now he’s starting to get worried.

“You don’t mind me moving in when it upsets her like this, do you?” he asks.

Levi looks at him. Sighs. “We both know she’s not crying over you moving in. Not really anyway. And no.”

“And I won’t get on your nerves?”

“Not as long as you’re telling me when you get bored.”

“Why should I get bored?” Eren frowns, sipping his tea and relaxing at the flavour.

A lifted eyebrow is all he gets in response.

It’s Eren’s turn to sigh. “You do know that you’re the least boring person I’ve ever met, don’t you?” He glances at the door that is still closed shut. “Well…” he admits. “Maybe with one exception.”

Levi frowns but chuckles into his own tea.

“You’ll bring the napkin, won’t you?” he asks when he emerges from behind his cup.

“You know I will,” Eren grins. “I love that napkin.”

“Tch. You’re an oddball.”

“You knew that before.”

“I did.” A warm smile ghosts over Levi’s face just as the door to the bathroom bangs open and Hanji steps out, eyes swollen and red, sniffling and still a bit wobbly on her feet, but otherwise beaming again.

“Are you alright?” Eren asks while Levi puts a cup of coffee alongside a piece of unrequested chocolate cake onto the counter at her usual spot.

“Yes,” Hanji says, steps closer and seizes him in a rib-crushing embrace so fierce, that all the air escapes Eren’s lungs in one single, surprised wheeze.

Catching for breath he swallows. The angle is awkward. He’s still sitting on the bar stool and Hanji is pressing against his side, but he nevertheless manages to wrap an arm around her to pat her shoulder, exchanging a short look with Levi, whose expression is a strange mix of softness, helpless bafflement, and scowl.

“It’s okay, Hanji,” Eren says when he has his voice again.

“You’re crushing him,” Levi mentions.

“I’ll heal,” he insists, right at the same time as Hanji lets go.

And you’re the one to talk, he adds silently with a warmth in his heart.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Eren.” Hanji wipes her eyes.

“It’s okay,” he says again and smiles at her. “Are you sure you are?”

“Yes.” She smiles back and sits down next to him with one last sniff. “Thank you for the cake.”

“Your arse is too bony lately. You need to take better care of yourself, for fuck’s sake,” Levi reprimands her mildly and Eren smiles into his cup.

“What do you think I’ve got you for?” Hanji retorts and begins to beam now, flicking her glance between Levi and Eren.

Eren shrugs.

And Levi only sighs, hanging his apron around his neck and binding it in the back. “Alright, four-eyes. You’ve got three questions.”

Eren silently chuckles to himself. They all know Hanji will get  _ all _ the questions, answers included. It just might take her a while.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

The second-years are giddy when Eren meets them for training just under an hour later and he returns their greeting salute with a wide grin. 

“Alright, folks. What about a set of resilience drills and some theory after lunch?”

His plan is answered with a stunning approval, beaming eyes, and nodding. They really must have missed him.

They begin with a thorough jog over the grounds of HQ. Even though it has stopped snowing and the training ground is cleared of the ice, it is still freezing and the drills are straining them enough that after only one hour they are back to their usual teenager selves. He lets them run further; after all the theory lessons with Sasha they need the outlet and he enjoys the crisp coldness of the day as much as they seem to be delighted to be back under the open sky for a whole day.

As he sees them jog over the grounds and fly through the woods with their gear later while he is making his usual notes, it occurs to him how far they’ve come in the year they’ve been here. Even though his evaluation sheets say so too and it’s all written down in them in his own, scrawly handwriting, seeing it with his own eyes after a few days with the new Trainees is like an eye-opener.

They’ve become strong over the months, strong and resistant and independent. They bolt through the trees easily and not at all that wobbly as they once used to and even though it is their progress and not his he can’t help but feel a little bit proud. Derek is still the most skilled of them, just as he has been from the start, but even Harold moves nearly effortlessly today, chasing Mia and Rita—who has stuffed a handful of snow into the back of his coat with a mischievous cackle.

They finish in the afternoon, just as the daylight starts to fade and make way to dusk. It’s silly, and Eren knows it, but he imagines to feel the turn of the sun already, sensing that—even if it’s only barely noticeable, if at all—the days are getting longer again, the air fresher and livelier.

A good day for moving and starting from anew.

“Great work today,” he grins at them when they have returned to the grounds of HQ and he dismisses them with a salute. They smile back at him and hurry off into their weekend and to dinner, certainly hungry after today’s exercises.

Harold, Mia and Rita, however, stay behind and approach him now, eyes bright and hopeful.

“Instructor Eren,” Harold begins. The bump on his forehead has healed and Eren counts exactly three injury-free weeks. Definitely a new record. “Selma’s flying is getting better and we would like to let her free again tomorrow. Would you like to join us, you know, since you helped us with her and everything?”

“That’s great, Harold,” he smiles. “Of course, I would.”

Three faces grin up at him.

“We were thinking right after breakfast,” Rita says. “Just where Harold found her, perhaps.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Eren grins back. “I’ll be there.”

They smile once more and he watches them leave with eager steps before he turns around to gather his things and clean his flat.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

It has long become dark again when Eren stands in the doorway of his own quarters, one big bundle resting on his back that fits everything he owns: A couple of books—one of them from Armin, one of them missing because it’s already at Levi’s, one with a pressed blue flower he found at Shingashina—a small box with stationeries, a couple of clothes. Sanitary articles. And, last but not least, a napkin. He’s been careful when he removed it from the kitchen wall and stacked it between two books so it will not crumble up on his way. 

Everything else—paperwork, files, folders, his gear and maintenance supplies—he will leave behind, as well as his his tea supplies consisting of one pot, two cups, two spoons, one small can of Earl Grey and one smaller can of Oolong. Where he goes he won’t need them.

It is strange to leave this place. It’s never really been  _ his _ to begin with, but as he lets his gaze wander over it with the knowledge that it never will be, he feels oddly nostalgic.

In theory the papers in Hanji’s office still say this is where he is housed, and he will continue to use it as his office during working hours. But that’s it.

He remembers the day he moved in, his heart heavy with worry of leaving Armin behind even though Armin was the one who’d been leaving, his spirit tired, and his head confused with what to do with his life and himself. He was the one who asked Hanji for the position of an Instructor, but initially he didn’t believe it would be something he’d really enjoy doing and look forward to every day.

He thinks about Harold and Rita and Mia and about how far they’ve already come in this one year alone, thinks about the new Trainees with all their potential and about his own last couple of weeks and has to smile. He’s found his place.

And it isn’t this flat.

He locks the door behind him, leaves, and doesn’t look back.

It’s his turn to make dinner tonight. And after only one night without playing he misses losing at chess.


	24. A Pantry Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a very merry Christmas, everybody. I wish you a calm and joyful holiday. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this story! Your comments, notes, kudos, and messages on it have given me happiness and inspiration and so many, many smiles. You are wonderful! <3

Despite another round of nighttime tea Eren and Levi get up early on Saturday. 

The town outside is still dark except for the street lamps, only a few handful of windows bright with candlelight and the first sign of people being awake. Going by the lit shop and steaming chimney down the cobblestones the baker is already at work, and while he waits for the water to come to a boil Eren smiles at the view from Levi’s kitchen. He’s already familiar with it, of course. A year of evening rituals has already put the image of the street outside so deep into his mind that he can see it with closed eyes, but the morning scenery differs from the one he’s come used to at night. And he likes it.

Levi’s drawing of Selma silently greets him from the wooden door of the pantry where he ceremoniously has pinned it to yesterday night, earning himself a fond frown from Levi, who has gone over to the shelf with his ledger to produce the oak leaf out of it and pinned it right next to the napkin.

“What an odd pair we are,” Eren has said with a grin.

“Who cares.”

The kettle whistles and Eren pours it into the teapot as Levi joins him in the kitchen. He’s hobbling a little again today, even though Eren can tell he tries to hide it, and Eren ponders about how he could persuade him to a foot rub that evening. Maybe it would help.

“Earl Grey?” Levi asks, his voice still a bit slumberous, his hair a disheveled mess, one cheek marked by his pillow, a faint trace of morning shadow on his chin.

“Yes.” Eren bends down to kiss him shortly.

Levi smiles. “Good.”

“I usually eat honeyed toast for breakfast on the weekends.” Eren gets two cups out of the cupboard. “Would you like some too?”

“Hm.”

They roast the bread, spread it, and eat it with the freshly brewed tea while the world on the outside awakens and comes more and more alive and alight alike. The sky is clear again today and even though the iced snow and the frost-glittering trees promise a crisp cold, they have it warm in here, all the way down to their tangled feet.

Levi has finished his first triangle of toast and reaches for the second one. “What will you be doing today after setting Selma free?”

“I don't know,” Eren says, chewing on his own share of honeyed bread. He hasn't given it much thought yet, but now that he does, there's nothing much to be done. He's still got his weekend break on work, not that he misses it in the first place. Armin isn't here anymore and Connie and Sasha don't need his help this week.

Looking at Levi Eren sees how his eyes visibly lighten up with every fresh, crunching bite of his fresh toast and he makes a mental note to buy more bread.

“I should go grocery shopping for us,” he thinks out loud. “And do some laundry.”

“Hm.” Levi nods and smiles. “I've got help with the laundry part though.”

“You do?”

“Yes, Scara. She comes every Monday morning to fetch the basket and returns it on Wednesday around noon.”

“Oh. I didn't know that yet.”

Levi smiles again. “I know. That's why I'm telling you.”

Eren grins over his tea cup. “Any other help I should know about?”

“No that's all. This place isn't too big anyway.”

Taking another sip of his tea Eren frowns. “When do you usually clean?”

“When I can't sleep.”

“Oh.” He blushes. “Sorry.”

But Levi merely chuckles with warm eyes and rubs his fingerpads against each other to loosen the last crumbs of his toast. “We’ll figure something out. Which half of the newspaper do you want first?”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

Eren isn't surprised anymore to meet an already waiting Hanji at the entrance door when they go down the stairs to open the café. 

Levi flips the sign on it to ‘open’ and lets her in with a gust of frost before slipping into his apron and making the first coffee of the day.

“Tea again?” he asks, even though they just had some.

“Yes, please,” Eren accepts their new ritual and sits down next to Hanji, who beams at them and orders a piece of fruit cake to go along with her coffee.

“How was your first week of the new training year, Eren?” she asks, untangling herself from her coat that seems determined to stay on her shoulders.

“Good,” he grins. “Thank you.”

“How are they doing?”

“Quite well, even though they moan about the drills.”

Levi snorts.

“Any further fright?” Hanji asks.

“No.”

“That’s good.” She smiles warmly and starts eating her cake, slowly this time, as her eyes get caught by something on the streets outside. “Oh, speak of the devil.”

Eren turns around just as the door bell tinkles to let Anna into the café, Lennard and Hans—a small, freckled boy with curly, black hair and glasses—in tow.

As they enter the boys shoot Eren a hesitant smile before all three offer a cautious salute and mumbled greeting to him and Hanji, who just grins back at them and waves. Then they turn to Levi.

“Are you Captain Levi?” Anna asks forthrightly.

“I am. And you must be Anna. I’ve heard about you. Glad to meet you.”

Anna grins warmly while the boys begin to whisper as they look at Levi with almost doubting eyes. Eren can nearly hear their thoughts; these days Levi looks less like a soldier than ever and lanky Lennard is already about to tower him.

“Come on, Eren,” Hanji says, sliding down from her chair. “Let’s make them some space at the counter.”

He nods, takes his cup of herbal infusion and joins her at one of the tables nearby.

“He’ll never lose the ‘Captain’, huh?” she says with a grin and Eren chuckles.

“I guess he won’t.”

Taking another bite of her cake Hanji looks at the counter. By now the three Trainees have all sat down on one of the bar stools and while Levi busies himself with more tea and coffee his eyes are concentrated on Anna. “She really looks like her, doesn’t she?”

“Yes, she does,” Eren says. The tea cup is warming his hands with a plume of steam rising out of it with pleasant, flowery scents. Rose and something else, he guesses.

They continue their shared breakfast, listening to the chatter of Anna and her friends and Levi’s calm answers, and after he has finished his drink Eren and Hanji leave the Sparrow together—Hanji towards her office, and Eren towards the forest.

By now the sunlight has long started to brighten the sky in a pale grey through a veil of clouds. The wind is mild, yet cold, and the people that Eren passes take their time with their Saturday errands.

Harold, Rita and Mia are already waiting for him at the outskirts of the town, the birdcage standing between them and Selma chirping happily inside of it as if she would know they are here because of her. A few of their classmates have joined them, amongst them Derek and Percy, all looking expectant and excited.

“Good morning,” Eren greets them.

“Hello Instructor Eren.”

Rita grins. “Good day for flying, isn’t it?”

“I guess it is,” he grins back. 

“Thank you for joining us today, Sir.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Harold.”

Harold beams and removing his gloves he crouches down next to Selma as the others around him fall silent. Selma chirps again as he opens the cage and flutters shortly as his hands reach out to her to carefully get her out of it with calm, soothing mumbling.

She blinks and curiously looks around in Harold’s steady hands, making Eren think of her tiny, concentrated warmth and her quick heartbeat that Harold must feel under his fingertips.

Harold coos gently and with a last, careful stroke of his fingers over her head, he places her down onto the ground.

“I know there wasn’t snow that day but this is where we found you,” he says. “Do you remember this place?”

Selma chirps and Rita links her arm with Harold’s as the bird begins to hop over the icy floor and into a low shrubbery. It rustles in there for a while, followed by silence.

More rustling.

The group holds their breath.

Then comes a flapping sound and a brief moment later a brown figure flies up into the sky, high, higher—far, far away, over the treetops and into new freedom, until it is out out sight.

Eren shoots a glance at Harold and has to grin at his wide beam.

“Goodbye, Selma,” Mia says. “Have a good life.”

I will miss these kids when it’s time for them to go out into the world, Eren thinks. But until then I’ve got two more years with them.

He looks forward to every day of it.

“Well done, Harold,” he says, earning himself three sets of sparkling eyes.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

The rest of the day passes with an incredible amount of nothing of much significance. When Eren returns from his errands the Sparrow is so filled with people that he simply shoots Levi a small smile before heading straight up the stairs. After stocking up their pantry with fresh bread, honey, butter and ingredients for their weekend meals he makes up for some lost sleepless time and cleans the flat. Busy with that he doesn't even notice the day passing by and the light getting dimmer and dimmer and before he knows it it is afternoon and his time to go downstairs.

Shortly he wonders if it should feel odd going into the café from this side instead of stepping in from outside in the evening, but it doesn’t one bit.

Of course he doesn’t even need to go after all. He doesn’t need an excuse to visit Levi in the evening any longer, he’ll see him anyhow when he will be finished with his work. But Eren wants to see him and closes the door of the flat to join him in their usual ritual of café closing tea.

“How is Harold?” Levi asks at their table, entrance door closed, café ready for tomorrow, lights dimmed to a minimum of what is necessary.

“Happy,” Eren says.

“It did go well then.”

“It did.” Searching for Levi’s feet under the table with his own Eren takes a sip of his tea.

“Hm.” Levi smiles. “I’m glad.”

“How was your talk with Anna?”

“Nice.”

He nods.

“They are good kids.”

“They are.”

“You might want to have an eye on Lennard, though. He’s a rebel.”

“What makes you say that?”

Levi grins at him over his tea cup. “Just a feeling.”

Eren rolls his eyes and laughs into his piece of cake.

“So, I was thinking,” he begins when they towel dry their freshly washed dishes.

“Dangerous…” Levi smirks.

Eren chuckles and after poking out his tongue he begins anew. “I was thinking, that you’ve got a very nice bathtub.”

“So I have.”

“Would you like to join me in it later?”

Grey eyes meet his and crinkle slightly. “We could splash around a bit.”

He grins. “I was thinking more about massaging your feet.”

Levi’s smile gets warm and cool fingers shortly brush over Eren’s waistline before letting go again. “We could do that too.”

“Good.”

“Good.”


	25. A Pot with Stew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. It has been a pleasure writing this story and sharing it with you. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your lovely feedback, for every single comment, kudos, message or note on this that told me this story made you smile and happy; it means the world to me. Thank you for staying with me until the end. 
> 
> I hope Christmas is good to you and that you have it warm. 
> 
> Have fun with the final chapter. <3

Eren awakes to gentle fingers playing with his hair. 

Blinking into the darkness of the room he finds Levi’s warm gaze and smiles.

“No knife today?” he asks.

“No.”

Closing his eyes again he snuggles closer until he can wrap his arms around Levi and sighs contentedly as he listens to the soft chuckle against his ear.

“For a Titan you’re impressively fond of cuddles.”

“Am I? I don’t hear you complaining, though.”

“Hm.” Levi’s fingers reach for a new strand to play with and Eren sighs once more as he tries to estimate the time.

His eyes open again in surprise. “We slept through?”

“Seems so.”

“That’s nice.”

“Hm.”

Eren wants to say more but Levi’s fingers trail further, play with his neck now and somehow he forgets all about everything else.

They move lazily in the quietness of the early morning as they undress each other. Levi is so warm from sleep and his lips are soft as they find Eren’s with unhurried kisses, tender grazes of his tongue and feathery touches of his fingers that are warm from sleep too and explore Eren’s shoulders, his back, his arms, his face, his stomach, his cock, until Eren is moaning and rolls them over.

Levi smiles as he looks up at him, his one hand coursing through Eren’s loose hair and the other one on the small of his back and then his shoulder blades as Eren kisses his way down Levi’s chest, over his ribs and belly button, through coarse, black hair, and finds what he is searching for. He brushes his knuckles over Levi’s cock before he takes him into his mouth, his tongue playfully wrapping around the tip, and his eyes observing Levi’s reactions.

His cheeks are flushed, his eyes hazy and his mouth is wide open and Eren hums before he begins to suck, tenderly at first and then harder and quicker, his fingers exploring, caressing, poking, massaging on his mission to coax out quiet moans and gasps, tasting salt, indulging in the heat, and only stopping when he can tell Levi is close.

“What do you want?” he asks, eyes still fixed on grey ones that are darkened and hold him in place.

Levi pulls him up into a kiss, grips him by the hips and flips them back over.

Eren laughs and blindly reaches for the nightstand with the bottle of oil while Levi buries his face in Eren’s neck and continues with his lips where his fingers left off earlier and Eren begins to hurry, feverishly fumbles around in the nearly empty drawer and groans out loud when Levi begins to suck and bite, his fingers wrapped around Eren’s cock and squeezing, stroking, slipping, chuckling now, letting his teeth graze over Eren’s pulse.

His fingertips find glass, finally, and then it is gone again as Levi takes it into his own hands, eases him open, carefully, slowly presses inside of him with his skillful fingers until Eren is alight with yearning, groans, pants, begs for more, and then then the fingers are gone and Levi’s mouth is back on his.

“Turn over,” Levi mumbles against Eren’s lips, his warm breath fanning over Eren’s face.

Eren does and moans when his cock is pressed against the bed sheets that feel rough against his sensitive skin, perfect, frustrating, not nearly enough as he hears Levi busying himself with the bottle once more, slicking himself up and moving on the bed to reposition himself before something slippery and hot and promising is nudging against Eren’s arse and then Levi pushes inside of him, begins to fuck him with deep, maddeningly slow strokes, his hands mapping Eren’s back, his body trapping Eren’s cock against the sheets in perfect friction and all Eren can do is press his face into his pillow, dig his fingers into the sheets and gasp, and feel, and listen and hang on to Levi’s rhythmic breathing and the feeling of him pressing deeper and deeper, as his thoughts are reduced to an endless repetition of yes, yes, yes,  _ yes _ !

When he comes it is hot and hard, screaming into the pillow and barely noticing the hands on his waist tightening their grip with a final push as Levi finds his own release deep inside of him with a shuddering gasp.

They don’t move for a few moments as they wait for the afterglow to fade until Eren feels Levi carefully slipping out of him with a brush of his fingers over Eren’s hips and Eren rolls over again to kiss him with a lazy smile. He stops in his movement when he sees the look in Levi’s eyes, completely unguarded and so full with fond devotion that it makes Eren gulp.

“Hey,” he whispers, running his fingertips over Levi’s eyebrows. “I’m here.”

Cool, sweaty fingers reach out to brush a strand of hair out of Eren’s eyes and Eren nuzzles into their touch, kisses Levi’s palm without breaking their eye contact.

“You are.”

“Hm. I could make you breakfast to prove it to you,” Eren offers with a smile, feeling Levi’s thumb trace his cheekbone and the bruises in his neck tingle as they already begin to heal against his will. “Or, you know, tickle your armpits under the shower.”

“Yes.” Levi smiles back and kisses him. “I’d like that.”

 

~*~*~*~*

 

After his second morning tea with Hanji down in the Sparrow Eren goes back upstairs and begins with dinner preparations. He’s talked to Sasha about this, told her as much as he can remember, and listened to her thorough instructions over a fresh plate of cookies. 

He’s got a whole day for this, but according to Sasha it would be better with a few extra hours to rest before serving and he heeds her advice.

Everything he needs—rabbit, potatoes, root vegetables, and herbs—is already here. All he has to do is gather everything and as he begins with his work images start to fill his head. Gunther sitting in the corner, face lit by a candle and eyebrows drawn together in concentration over a knitted sock. Auruo playing cards with Petra, bickering, but smiling at each other. Levi sitting next to them, drinking tea and brooding over some paperwork. Gherkins perhaps, Eren muses with a grin. Eld peeling potatoes and cutting root vegetables for his stew that everyone loved.

The images are mingling with more recent memories as well. Armin beaming with excitement before his leave to undiscovered lands. Mikasa’s smile that seems to come a bit more easily these days. Connie and Sasha in their quarters, planning the next training lessons. Harold and his friends watching Selma fly into her new freedom. Levi in his café. Levi in the leather chair. Levi sleeping in his arms.

By the time Eren adds the final spices it smells nearly exactly like back then. The pot is even nearly as big too. They’ll probably be able to feed on it for more than one evening.

Good.

He pours a generous amount into a smaller pot which he brought from his office, inhales the rising steam once more with a smile, and closes both pots before making it out into the cold, sunny day.

Sasha and Connie should have some of this as well.

 

~*~*~*~*

 

Of all the places Eren has come to visit in the course of his life this place is one of his favourites. 

He sits on his usual chair in front of his usual, small, wooden table, the window to his left, the simple, plain letters on it standing out in contrast to the light of the street lamps outside. 

 

 

**woɿɿɒqƧ**

**ɘɿoM & ɒɘT **

 

It’s nearly closing time and yet the small café is still busy with the life of a Sunday evening in winter, people seeking comfort from the cold, eager to warm themselves up with a cup of coffee or tea in the toasty comfortness of wooden interior, alone or with friends, partners, family, before they hurry back out into the snow with the tinkle of the doorbell. 

Grassy scents bloom out of the cup in front of him, gently rise up into the air and dissipate in front of his eyes. Levi’s choice for today is a green tea of intense colour. Summer in a cup in the middle of winter. And it is wonderfully relaxing. Promising.

As every night he lets his gaze wander over the gradually emptying café. Over the couple of shelves laden with tea and supplies and a few sealed cans of coffee beans. Over the drawings that decorate the walls and the frame next to the counter that contains Jean’s coal sketch of a sunset over endless water and Eren smiles as he recalls the rushing sound of the waves and the screeching of birds, the sensation of the salty wind and the sand under his naked feet. He still doesn’t miss it. Not one bit.

Nonetheless he wonders where Armin is now. They haven’t heard from them since they left, but he guesses they won’t for a while until there’s news that are worth passing on.

The sound of approaching footsteps interrupts his reverie, just before there’s a plate with a piece of fruit cake with a creamy, buttery icing put in front of him, and Eren grins up as he accepts it. 

“Thank you.”

“Hm.” Levi’s expression is nearly neutral but there’s a trace of a smile in his eyes and then he is already gone again to clean a table.

Taking his first bite of sweet and juicy cake with a pleased hum Eren listens to the familiar sounds of Levi’s closing routine. There’s the snap of the door being locked, the sound of wood against glass as the sign in it’s window is flipped over from  _ ‘open’ _ to ‘ _ closed’ _ . The silent swooshing of tables being wiped and the creaking of chairs getting rearranged and put up. The rattling of dishes being cleaned, and ultimately the till opens with a ring as Levi counts the day's takings .

Levi still won’t let Eren help and so he takes another bite of his cake and enjoys the lifting taste of dried fruit and sugar.

Soon he hears the telling sound of running water as Levi washes his hands and refills the kettle and his smile widens.

Emerging from behind the counter in his personal and unofficial attire Levi joins Eren at their table, puts his own cup of tea next to Eren’s and sits down, facing him.

“You didn’t cook stew by any chance, did you?” He asks, eyebrow lifted and now his smile is open and unguarded.

Eren grins. “I did.”

A foot nudges against Eren’s legs under the table and he untangles them to intertwine them with Levi’s.

“Sasha?” is all Levi asks.

“Sasha,” Eren agrees. “She did quite a good job, I suppose. It smells nearly the same. ”

“Hm. It’s been wafting down here since noon. Took me back.”

They smile and drink.

Picking up a few last crumbs of his cake with his fingers Eren lets his gaze wander over the empty café again. “It looked like a good day for you.”

“It was.”

“Good.”

“Hm. You?”

“It was.” Eren smiles.

“Good.”

Finishing their tea in mutual silence they exchange looks and smiles and impressions of their day and after a while both cups are empty, washed, dried and put back to their rightful place in the staff department.

Dinner awaits them. Eld’s stew. And Levi will probably choose Gunpowder tea to go with it. They’ll play chess in their respective favourite chairs in front of the fireplace, hold on to each other at night, and tomorrow their modest routine will start from anew.

Eren wouldn’t have it any other way.

This spot on earth is his home. Theirs. Whatever surprises will await him at training next week or whatever the next year holds in place for them, this is his most favourite place.

And as long as he can return to it things will be alright.

He can feel it.

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com).
> 
> Feedback is loved. <3


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